Fundamental flaw.

I wish I were prolific in some way, fearless of imperfections and consequences of putting a part of me out for others to see. I wish I had confidence and ambition for the things I do, instead of giving up half way in everything, telling myself it's guilt or that I'm only taking a break.

I used to say that I wish I were smarter, but I'm convinced that's not going to happen—not that it'll help anyway.

Foiled by a warped mind

Addicted and sleep

I might be getting reliant on the drowsy effects of Benadryl, something that has been more pronounced since my hands left the grotesque and diseased-looking stage. Unless I get less than seven hours of sleep or had been awake for more than seventeen hours, I find my mind filled with rushing thoughts and plans as I lay down in preparation for sleep. Failure to become drowsy within the half-hour mark just makes me more agitated and more prone to notice my father's loud snores. I've always had these problems with falling asleep, but nights without drug induced drowsiness seems especially vivid and restless.

Last night was especially bad since I slept very restlessly, dreamt much, and woke up a lot.

Lack of activity doesn't seem to be the issue, since I am yawning profusely by the time I physically settle down in bed--my mind just starts running in fast forward, thinking about ways to do things I didn't get to do.

Playing music seemed to help clear thoughts from my mind last night, though I am always in fear of waking up my father and be subjected to a round of questioning and criticism, since I only have my phone's speakers as a music player.

Marketable skills

I has none.

Rather, all my potential marketable skills are all very unremarkable and noncompetitive. If you consider the combination of skills, however, I may be slightly more unique—slightly. Who would want someone with a skill set like this anyway?

In other news, I walked past $10 on the ground and failed to pick it up. A second later a kid noticed it and it was gone. One can say that maybe it's not meant to be mine, but I actually really could use that money. I'm about $200 in my accounts and 20k in debt, with no job.

I'm poor, guys; don't bother robbing me.

Seriously. When someone, on multiple occasions, tell you that no matter what your intentions are, he/she is getting a certain attitude from you, it fucking means either you are unaware of how fucking negative you are or that you're doing something wrong.

It's not saying that you are wrong or he/she doesn't want to talk to you or tell you stuff or that he/she is not listening to you because he/she is a insolent child because he/she fucking can.

Who's the one being arrogant and unable to taking into others' comments now?

Medic: the experience

Turns out there's still paperwork to be done after getting there, and now I have signed my rights away twice and received a yellow plastic card for it. The doctor couldn't really tell me anything I didn't know and couldn't do anything besides waiting for it to get worse again, as expected. At least I know I'm way heavier than I used to be (ugh) and my blood pressure is 113/65.

Also was told twice to go get an exam at the gynecology dept.

I was told by the nurse (dark skin and pretty gray-blue eyes) that the doctor (not Dr.Sue but Dr.Su) was weeks new. He looked young, but what was funny caught my attention were his blood-shot eyes. Also had the attitude of an ABC. Just saying.

Spend the remainder of the afternoon in Hillsdale Mall, B&N, T.J. Maxx, and Michaels. Michaels had this type of soft-cover bound sketchbook that I wanted on clearance. But I missed it ;____; And they need more people working there, if I had to wait 10 minutes for help :\

Came home with fatigue and a headache.

That's actually not very accurate. I came home fine, but after dinner I felt very meh and tired and my head felt kinda funny and stuffy. Really wanted to do something, but just can't muster the focus. Currently being slightly passive aggressive by refusing to be socially convenient and entertain T's comments about DE:HR. Fuck his game.

Medic!

First time going to see a (general public) western doctor in years. I wonder how different they are from university health center doctors. I mostly want their opinion on what I'm reacting to, since I'm pretty sick of not allowed to eat anything and be told I have toxins in my body that I need to get rid of. I hope this doctor is open-minded enough about eastern medicine to accept that it has been working, but also that it doesn't tell me what is wrong with me, exactly. (Also that it's all thanks to the eastern medicine that I am able to sleep and social and go places in the 6 weeks that it took to assign me a damn primary care doctor.)

The second thing I wanted to ask is if there's anything I can do about the mite/flea/mosquito bites on my legs. I've got about 23 of them, and they've been waking me up early morning (6-7am), itching like crazy until I use hydrocortisone.

Fifteen minutes before I have to leave.

Nervous? Yeah, a little.