In RL, I do better than I probably look

A few months ago I got a comment on an old post.

"Dude your blog is NUTS and that's not a good thing."

Oops.

Hahha. Yeah, oops.

Sorry dude, I really only used this place as a place of wallowing in the muddy depths of depression when I don't have a good person to complain to anymore, and besides the fact that I'm doing much better mentally, if something is minor I do have someone now to get that out to so it doesn't fester.

This place back when I started was a fangirling space because I really wasn't comfortable with any other space I found. That phase came and went and I abandoned it a bit as I found some other fandom spaces I could lurk in. Then I came back and used this as a semi-public place akin to screaming towards the ocean, all the way into a scary time in the mental sinkhole I'm still afraid of falling back into, and all the way out of it.

It looks like chronicle of someone who never got better, but the story is pretty biased, the recent bits are only sporadic potholes in the grand scheme of "doing pretty okay".

Life's far, far from perfect—I'm quite underpaid with a skill no one in the industry respects; I don't know what the loving fuck I'm doing with my life; I'm essentially renting the house I grew up in, burdened by all the things my parents left behind when they moved overseas, unable to move out because of obligations and having no money; My health is sub-optimal and has a handful of daily discomforts and inconveniences; Talking/thinking about jobs and careers and how little I'm earning gives me fucking anxiety and feeling like a disappointment—but I'm 90% functional and not trapped in a depressive spiral. I hate my body, but probably not more than one standard deviation away from the average women. (Having someone to tell me a highly realistic solution every time I try to use that as a springboard to the whirlpool of shit probably helped.)

So yeah, the past several years here is a record of just the cesspool. In regards to health I'm definitely a little desensitized at this point. The rest is pretty okay.

I know I have some escape ropes in my backpack now.

Guilt.

Everywhere, around every corner
The direction does not matter.

There's really no suitable perpetual audience for this sort of stuff.

It's been a while since I felt crappy like this.
Feeling so doubtful and unsure.
Also needy.
And fat.

Maybe I desperately need some kind of acknowledgement, too.

Stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck
In poor living situation.
I hate it so much.


One can only dump this on another so many times before one feels guilty for ruining precious social experiences and fear for being seen as too egocentric.

We skipped over autumn again.

It has gotten cold. My bed isn't warm enough and I shiver frequently now.

Go away, white fat!
Build up, brown fat!

Damn, couldn't get Wednesdays off, after all :\

No early Thanksgiving break for me :\

All I feel is my extra bits of stomach and the distance we will soon have between us.

They are dominating my motivation and necessity to accomplish.

The Joy of computers

I knows the meaning of it.

I'm rather pleased by the Lenovo Ideapad Y560 I received from UPS today. I'd been waiting all Labour Day weekend for it since it arrived in a check-in station 20 minutes away from my dwellings. Technically, my Dad received it for me since I was away in the Sunset-Richmond area for some free museum touring and didn't come back until almost midnight.

But yaaaaay, computer. I'd been giddy--pawing at T and wagging my invisible tail--every time I saw a laptop today.

Nice, pretty computer. I didn't want to worry about how it'd look because I know I would obsess otherwise, but it's actually pretty nice. It's actually pretty suitable to my tastes. It matches with my phone but hopefully not down to the cracks. Anyway, too tired to stuff my computer full of programs before some sleep right now.

Darkness is my friend. So is the TV

The sun was too bright this morning at eight. It pierced through my eyelids every time my barrier of pillows and blankets collapsed. It never bothered me before. Now the ceiling light is causing the same problem. Too bright. Maybe watching too much House does this.

I should be slaying demons in style instead.

I wasn't the least bit hungry until that last bit came out, despite only having had one meal nine hour ago in the last day. Stomach is more interested in food now, but Brain is still pretty meh about it.

Runaway Child

Can't help but think that I had just been doing voluntary work that went unappreciated during these past few days. Later, despite of actually having given advance notice, the higher power was angered from my phelgmatic delinquency of not promptly returning home, choosing instead to spend time socializing with friends and not be holed up at 'home' with a rather undesirable living and social arrangement.

What the bloody hell did I do wrong now?

Sweating like a cat.

For the first time since I've been back home, the weather feels like summer. Summery weather will persist until tomorrow, at least, and...it seems that I'll be heading in to forty-something degree weather tomorrow. At least after tomorrow, the difference in weather will not be that great from home?

In other news, this is the longest I've been on a computer in one session for more weeks that I care to count. Oh, what a blissful nine hours. Thank you for the early registration time, administrators. Thank you for giving me an excuse.

Catching up

Comic Con. (4-5 weeks ago)
Dad's computer died. (While I was in San Diego)
My computer died. (3 weeks ago)
Started going back up Davis weekly for research group meeting. (3 weeks ago)
Started obsessing over making Japanese cooking.
Car got a headlight knocked off in our own driveway by family. (Tuesday)
Got into accident on the way back from Davis. (Thursday)

Headachey since I was woken up at 11 to go to Half Moon Bay for fresh fish. Pretty sure it's just low blood sugar and a relative lack of sleep before we got back and got something in me. But I've hd low energy all day, and twelve hours after waking up, the headache returned.

I'm supposed to be out on a Godfather marathon mystery night by 10am tomorrow, but I have heard nothing of it since a five days ago and is not even sure if it'll be happening. I do believe the bunch of them are having a reunion of sorts tonight, though, so they'll probably not appreciate disturbances.

Gastrointestinal Issues

I wonder if there's some psychological thing going on with me lately. By this season, I'm usually constantly consciously hungry. Hunger signals seem to have gotten much more easily ignored or not perceived. Then the stomach makes a lot of noise to compensate. But it has been making a lot of noises regardless, for some reason. Perhaps this is an inherited trait that is just starting to show through?

I still eat and want to eat, but knowledge/perception of the hungry-satisfied-full boundary seem to have faded quite a bit.

It's slightly worrying.

Eyes and a finger.

The inner fold of my eyelids are a little further in (both eyes!) today. It gave the illusion of wider eyes, but on closer inspection, my eyes now look a little strange, like some barely noticeable make up. The down side is the utter weariness below the eyes that most certainly accompanies the double lids above.

I think it's time for some long overdue mud skin care tomorrow. Before I go over to dinner because I won't get back until the next day, probably. Curses, Stockholm syndrome!

In related news, I chopped off a small chuck of my left index finger nail making dinner. A tenth of a millimetre deeper would have meant pain and a bloody finger. Thank you, nails.

In other news, brain is about to go 'splody from all the astronomy, astrophysics, and astrobiology concepts and terms, even if it's just wiki.

I think...I might be doing better. But that's only because there's someone who keeps me in line. We're half way through this already; I found myself afraid to let go of that crutch. It's comfortable. And not so lonely.

A little afraid to get comfortable.

'Cus, hey, socially hesitant and unsure is not exactly new, is it?

Yeah, sometimes it hurts during the first or second day, but the pain never came close to the verge of throwing up. Could feel the urge to do so. Don't think much would have came up, though, since the ingested half a cup of milk and slice of bread would have been close to 4 hours past digestion.

I wonder when was the last time I had to sleep off some sort of pain while waiting for the Ibuprofen to work. Probably never.

Ah, and it's been a while. Hello again. Life has been rather depressing. Rather, lacking in motivation and direction, for whatever reason.


ETA 20091023: It turns out that the next month was almost as bad. It happened at home and I slept from 1600 to 1900 because of that.

I realized, with some degree of disgust, that I am feeling accomplished from a ridiculously small amount of interpersonal communications. 3 phone calls, 2 emails, and one meeting today. Oh, and another call shall be made...oh, fine, I'll do it now.

So let's recap(itulate) a little, without chronology, with a touch of melancholy self-hating, shall we?

This is point in time is not quite the end yet, so I shall reign in the reflections for a couple more days. But ruminations are certainly permissible, I think.

I walked out of Genetics final feeling quite lost and with plenty of regret. I am done with the class—the one (real) class that I enjoyed—and I prepared far too inadequately for it. Not as inadequate as the studying I tend to do for o-chem, but the guilt is worse. They weren't difficult questions, but only being able to recall the page and recognize the questions (the same questions) without the capacity to recall the details and the actual answer sits more heavily on my conscience than walking out of a(n) (o-chem) test knowing I have failed because I had absolutely no inkling to the answer.

I probably have grown quite attached to the professor, too. He was incredibly willing to share what he knows, and will answer questions beyond what was asked. My relatively numerous (but can still be counted on one hand) number of not-relevant-to-test-material-but-related questions probably facilitated that. He's also the adorable bumble-y grandfatherly types with a good sense of humor and love of metaphors...and I think I'm somewhat more easily attached to parental figures these days.

So tired and down but I know I shouldn't be.

I just felt like I failed the professor, the parents, and the self because I didn't study enough when I bloody knew my capabilities are far from my performance today. I know I can be brilliant, and there was absolutely no excuse for getting less than 95% today because all the answers were there and available and are things I have seen and should have remembered. And from what I've seen, calculated, and went through, I don't think there's really a chance for his curve to keep my grade in the borderline A-/A range (in which case I think I have accumulated enough "extra" points for an A).

Disappointment to the world, I am.

Self-hatred? Check.

(Too consumed to even talk about the internet problem anymore)

Drug(s).

It seems I had forgotten the wonderful wonders of CAFFEINE. COFFEE.

But it's been rediscovered. And now I'm running on no dinner and two cups of (barely passable instant) coffee and will be looking towards a third. Now I know the secret to O-Chem motivation: get high on caffeine. It's actually interesting and fun given that I'm awake and slightest bit giddy.

About time to pop another Ibuprofen, too, it seems. Can feel it in the lower abdomen (uterus) and lower back already...This stuff's punctuality is to be admired. Every six hours, on the dot, number of recommended tablets notwithstanding.

I know I have a third bag of instant somewhere around here. If not, I'll just beg Kitsu for her grounded ones.