Marketable skills

I has none.

Rather, all my potential marketable skills are all very unremarkable and noncompetitive. If you consider the combination of skills, however, I may be slightly more unique—slightly. Who would want someone with a skill set like this anyway?

In other news, I walked past $10 on the ground and failed to pick it up. A second later a kid noticed it and it was gone. One can say that maybe it's not meant to be mine, but I actually really could use that money. I'm about $200 in my accounts and 20k in debt, with no job.

I'm poor, guys; don't bother robbing me.

Medic: the experience

Turns out there's still paperwork to be done after getting there, and now I have signed my rights away twice and received a yellow plastic card for it. The doctor couldn't really tell me anything I didn't know and couldn't do anything besides waiting for it to get worse again, as expected. At least I know I'm way heavier than I used to be (ugh) and my blood pressure is 113/65.

Also was told twice to go get an exam at the gynecology dept.

I was told by the nurse (dark skin and pretty gray-blue eyes) that the doctor (not Dr.Sue but Dr.Su) was weeks new. He looked young, but what was funny caught my attention were his blood-shot eyes. Also had the attitude of an ABC. Just saying.

Spend the remainder of the afternoon in Hillsdale Mall, B&N, T.J. Maxx, and Michaels. Michaels had this type of soft-cover bound sketchbook that I wanted on clearance. But I missed it ;____; And they need more people working there, if I had to wait 10 minutes for help :\

Came home with fatigue and a headache.

That's actually not very accurate. I came home fine, but after dinner I felt very meh and tired and my head felt kinda funny and stuffy. Really wanted to do something, but just can't muster the focus. Currently being slightly passive aggressive by refusing to be socially convenient and entertain T's comments about DE:HR. Fuck his game.

Ow.

Just thought the world should know.

Oops, the plan to keep updated on my trip just pretty much fell flat...again. We'll see what'll happen with it. >_>;

This is pin a lie.

Tired. So tired. And I'm not even done yet.

All I have to show for only sleeping 2.5 hours the day before recieving my undeserved alumni pin is a self-decorated tassel, because I couldn't be bothered to order the shiny symbol of ΨΧ.

I probably should see what can be moved back so junk doesn't clutter the world next six months.

D: (And of course it has absolutely nothing to do with the alarms)

I'm afraid of leaving my room to make food because I've been hearing frequent coughing from the lungs. This makes at least a week since the coughs started...so please stay home and insist on being visited upon instead—please don't spread the germs and bring others down. It's not a courteous nor polite behavior. In fact, it's a little invasive, so please stop staying over when there's coughing like that already. And since there seems to have no intentions in containing the potential threat to a room, I am now overwhelmed by the need to spray the air with disinfectants from my door to the bathroom, just to make sure that area is safe to walk through.

Ha! Dead circuits in the house.

So I came out of the shower to find a portion of the house out of electricity: two of three sets of outlets in my room, hallway light and outlet, all of the living room plugs (save two), and one kitchen wall outlet (the one with the router)--essentially, everything along and near the central divide between the housing quarters and the living quarters. Or between the bathroom and bedrooms and living room and kitchen. I suspect it's whatever that causes the area above the ceiling valve-thing above the foot of my bed to make echoing noises whenever it rains. (The valve noises is how I can tell it's raining outside!).

A blown fuse wasn't the problem; it would have killed off all of the outlets in both bedrooms (6 total) plus the hallway plugs, anyway.

So I spent some time rewiring my room: one outlet strip is moved to the outlet next to my table, from which the stereo, laptop, external hard drive, heater, and router (brought in from the kitchen) draws power. The iPod now draws power from my laptop through an USB extension cable and hooked up to the stereo. It hangs in mid-air behind my chair because the alternative is to drape the almost long enough cable down the other side of me, thereby greatly increasing my risk of tripping and somehow knocking into the heater, inevitably burning some gratings onto some body part.

By the way, did I mention that I've been sick and sleep deprived for the past week and is currently forced to keep awake on chocolate-coated espresso beans? After demolishing about a third in about 10 days, they don't even seem strong enough now—I have to eat off the chocolate first, then crunch on the naked bean for the bam. And I'm pretty sure the sugar in the chocolate is making me more sick. A said I sound even more sick than when I first announced that I have finally succumbed to whatever that has been going around. Due to running around campus delivering (late) Valentine's roses without an umbrella in the the rain. (I just tried to spell umbrella with an e (in place of u), then again with a p (in place of the b), and some other odd variations. Ha, I'm getting more and more out of it.)

These three weeks seemed to have largely restore my ability to stay semi-functional with little to no sleep, something I haven't done much since junior year of high school. Actually, even then, it wasn't done with this degree of frequency. Or in sickness.

Wow I suck this quarter. Terrible on tests, not writing papers, no ambition, a fucking wreck,forgetting to do online homework, skipping classes, not working on important projects, sleeping about 3 hours on average with a pretty bad flu, biting off more than I could chew, accidentally wiping about 8GB of files from my computer then prioritising its recovery efforts before my lab report that was due the next day...Oh, and spending all this time blogging. About the only thing that got done was the double major petition.

I am such a fucking genius.

I now have renewed intense dislike for incompetent human beings...

...I almost forgot those existed, what with my style of scholastic failure. I also forgot that they exist in my classes. It's really been too long since I had to work with other people. The group I had chosen to sit with was perfectly fine—maybe less than the absolutely bright and know what's going on kind, but they are great to converse with, with intelligent inputs and what seems to be a drive to do well.

But now that I was switched to a new group...

THEY ARE MORE INCOMPETENT THAN I. For once in such a very long time, I actually had to be nervous about what my group members were up to, whether they got the stuff done, and was worrying about the deadline (21:00).

And then, at 19:30, the one who holds all our communication lines (emails) finally sends something, saying she's sick. One email didn't go through, the other girl just didn't respond. So I had to add on whatever bits she missed (which was quite a lot) and patched enough things on the powerpoint to cover up for the lack of sources on her part.

I DON'T LIKE WORRYING ABOUT SCHOOL WORK AND TEAM MATES. IT'S BAD FOR MY HEALTH D:

In other news, I think a politics-related post is imminent. I can't stand not talking about it any further.

OMG WUTS WRONG WIF ME

Shall I compare myself to a freakishly heavy rolling cart going over a hill?

It's always "I don't wanna do it" until I get started.

Then there's no stopping the rock. Or cart, in this case. 

Breaking from the results of procrastination.

ハイ、お久しぶりです。日本語はもう中々忘れてしまった様ですね。

Yes, I am currently in the middle of suffering from my completely, guiltily conscious and self-inflicted results of my avoidance problems. 

Yes, I am currently in the realm of 'I'm screwed and is past the redemption point, shit.' 

[Redemption at Amazon 

Low prices on Redemption. Qualified orders over $25 ship free]

Right, if only. 

But even I know I should stop for a bit (and probably should go shower) when I start hovering and squinting at the screen from less than twenty centimeters away. ('Six inches' sounds shorter, but I am attempting to rebel against American acculturation.)

'Twas going to say 'I'm such an 'effing wreck,' but on second thought, I can do worse. I really can. My study ethics are just completely down the drain, probably wrecking havoc on my transcripts. (I am too scared to check.) 

What with all the familial and social turmoil since last year this time, I think I feel drained. 

(I can never tell, until I look back and say, 'wow, what a deep, dark pit I was in, and am I still shaking off the reminants of shadows?')

My enthusiasm for persuing the cognition-intensive is dwindling. The drive for the pursue of perfection seemed to have been weakening since, oh, about three-and-a-half years ago. Seems like a very, very long time ago. In my young age, though, perhaps it is. It was 17% of my life ago, after all. That's close enough to one fifth, isn't it?

The way I cannot even consider admitting and write about some things until it's early morning and when time is tight (actually, I've given up on submitting it with full points attached).

(Not lying to yourself is painful. Physically percieving my own admittance to failure really, really hurts.

Why do I never fucking learn?)

Now that my skin is much more comfortable to live in, it's really time I work on not being a coward, face my shortcomings, battle against those terrible habits of indolence, steer myself from taking the path of least resistance (really, you're better than protein in a sizing column!), and stop fobbing myself off thinking that 'this is good enough' or 'it's too late.' 

And remember that I disliked those qualities enough to hurt others with it. 

And remember that I hate those qualities in myself, every time I experience it. 

Work, amygdala, damn it! 

(Or maybe they are working; it's only I who learned the response wrongly.)

...I am so very afraid and unwilling to look into the future. I am tired and no longer sure of my goals. I have always overestimated myself in the worse moments. And then underestimate myself in the wrong moments. I am no longer sure, while people around me seem to be over their uncertainty and are moving fowards. 

How rotten must I be, questioning myself only as critical moments approach? 

Not putting thoughts into necessary consideration just because I didn't want to? 

Ha! How like me.

Sometimes (with a frightening increase in frequency) I wish for someone to go spoil to. But this is probably only because I feel (am?) displaced from a place of comfort and security. I fancy that to be not far from the truth. 

Saying I am like a kitten kicked out of home and made to fend for myself would be unfair to those who are more similar to that situation than I. 

Perhaps that is what Byakko felt in his short residency in my place of study. Unanchored. Dislodged. Uncertain. 

Assimilating my feelings as a cat's seems terribly like regression and retreat from the actual truth, doesn't it. I am doing more and more of it. It's avoidance to pacify myself; fooling myself into thinking problem further diagnosed and closer to recovery is something that served me well in the past. 

What wonderful habit with such wonderous personality. 

Fuji Rash

Thomas treated Ben and me to an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet today...and I came back to the house with rash all over my face. Now the last time I went, I ate a lot less sashimi and nothing happened, so whether it's an MSG or some other allergic reaction, I do not know.

The three of us also went bowling (like last time? LoL)...but again, I don't think it was that, since I didn't touch my face during that time (I think).

Argh, face bloated up like a pig D:

Sleep

I think something has gone wrong with me again. I have lingered in the space between tiredness and insomnia before, last year or before the last, during school or on vacation. It feels like where I am now, between feeling unenergized and knowing sleep would not come soon nor take hold of me well until the mornings.

Yes, partly would be because I have been suffocated by the mucous between my nasal passage and my throat and have been hacking my lungs the very same vile things out.

I don't think that is the cause, however. Gaining consciousness in an hour before sunrise or after only 5 hours of sleep, completely awake (though unwilling to get out of bed) does not feel pleasant. Restless? Perhaps. At least that is how I last described it.

If There Was a Choice...

Oh, I know exactly how I got into this state of mind. And frankly, the
simplest solution would be the Esc key. If only I had a key like that.
These things are becoming not worth my attention, my energy, none of it is
anymore. Perhaps the problem is my own—others certainly don't seem to have
problems like mine...well, then again, others certainly aren't
[stupid, timid, lost, nosy] enough to pursue a solution to prevent
themselves from getting into my situation.

I'm at the end of my tolerance. Oh, surely, I've been managing for a while.
Even that is getting to be too tiresome now. I'm not understanding, I'm not
caring, I'm not kind, I'm not patient, and I'm fucking socially awkward.
I'm afraid of criticisms, rejections, and hated looks.

I can't help even if I want to.
Everything more than staying quiet and offer acknowledgment will ruin
things, I'm sure.

And the biggest problem of all: I can't fucking stop asserting myself
somehow. Can't fucking stay away, can't NOT DO ANYTHING AND SEE IT MANIFEST
AND GROW AND FESTER AND DECOMPOSE.

Yet it's what I've been trying to do all this time.

And it's killing me.

I feel dead.

Grass-cutting Noise Monster

Whose the hell thought that driving that grass-cutting noise monster at eight forty-five in the morning would be a fucking good idea? And the leaf-blowing machine? Even the workers need earmuffs for those!

And here I thought I can avoid being woken up by noisy things by sleeping early and waking at a reasonably early time. Damnit.

Magnificently WONDERFUL

And before I got out of the door this morning, things could not possibly be more absolutely, magnificently WONDERFUL.

It's kinda funny how I always complain about the little things (well, maybe not super tiny, but not very important nonetheless), but not on the more important ones. Somehow, there's reluctance there.

Death Week ♥

It's barely almost 1 am. Eyes are dry, droopy and, according to Mother, red.

Tomorrow I go to Japan Town for the Sakura Matsuri...and to buy stuff in Kinokuniya. Oh, gotta go get money before leaving tomorrow. Parents will not be going, so aunt will take me there.

Could not contact Larry this afternoon, nor now. Well. Isn't this just dandy, right after missing my train because Amtrak ticket sellers was slow and made me miss my train.

Watching 1x08 Doctor Who: Father's Day. Made me dislike Rose more and made me ♥ his dad. Hmm...no blood even for a fatal injury.

This week:
S: Study Bio
M: Study Bio
T: Bio exam 1 & Study Calc
W: Calc exam 1 & Do Chem Lab
T: Chem Lab & Study Chem
F: Woke up at 7:30 for breakfast in DC, studied more between that and classes, Chem exam 1, failed, came back and sort of packed and cleaned, googled Mokona=Modoki with Amy (got me interested in Tsubasa/xxxHolic again), walked to Amtrak station, got there 10min early, was in line for 15 because of some stupid women (though I already reserved my ticket; the reservation machine was broken), waited more while said women fiddled with how to print the ticket for 5min, waited for the next train for 50min, and didn't get to Milbrae Station until 8:50. Yeah, great, just a joyful week. Oh, and guess what, I'm watching creepy Doctor Who 1x09, while I should be showering and sleeping and waking at 9am so I get out the door by 10.

Yay for stress and self-loathing and Rose is really starting to irritate me. Little kids going 'mommy' is creepy. And Christopher Eccleston is bleh...like he's always grimacing. Gah, the 'mommy' kid is creepy.

Yes, I'm getting ranty. Should go sleep. Or shower, then sleep. Er, not before I finish this episode anyway.

Sanctuary is Home.

I've been irritable and tense. Not stressed, exactly, but maybe I've been stretched too thin. Or maybe I've been so accustomed to be pressured into finishing my work on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights that I have not been able to recover. Too many classes, too undisciplined in time management.

But it's not stress, in those other days.

Smaller and smaller things are getting on my nerves. My anger grows and grows each day. My EQ is slipping. Falling. Crashing.

Before, I ranted and raved about my woeful life, not meaning it to catch other's attention as much as wanting me to focus on myself. I don't understand why I did it anymore. I was angry. I wrote. It made me feel better. Maybe it distracted me. Let me reexamine myself. Though, I have begun to dislike myself for it. Perhaps that's not exactly accurate either. I have stopped feeling like typing an account of these things. Or anything else at all.

...So maybe I still understand why I wrote.
So maybe I am still doing the same thing.

But I have been doing more thinking than writing and spent more time being angry then being contemplative...and my outlet for everything has been going the wrong direction.

I don't like what I'm changing to.

I think I am just surviving now. Overloading myself so that this...school thing is getting less enjoyable. It's just like eating a too big piece of meat.

Home is sanctuary now. It is rest it is relaxation it is happiness it is spoilage it is care it is home.

Oh, and I am also ashamed of everything.

I seriously need some fucking time off to myself.

Yay! PMS Whinge

Side note: That (title) is proof of too much HP fanfiction.
_______________

I have foreseen it, I prepared for it, but it still feels uncomfortable. At least there is no mess this time. The pain and sore back is normal, but the urge to guzzle (wait, now we're switching to Southern speak?) anything with chocolate is not pleasant on my conscience.

Bah.

As I Thought...

Went to Plant+EnvironSci building to check server status and stuff this morning and went back to the room to double check everything again, according to their instructions. Borrowed Amy's cable/port to check, but to no prevail.

Calc break 1000-1050. Garris and Thomas(Shiwei) are also in Kouba. Don't know which discussion section they're enrolled in, but that doesn't matter.

Just went into ITexpress (in the Shields Library) and asked about the connection, and as I thought, the server is not receiving the newly registered physical addresses. Who knows when they'll get everything fixed...currently outside, in the courtyard of the library, because the heating is too warm for what I have on. Aren't you proud, Larry? I'm actually wearing clothing too warm for indoors!

Wireless eats batteries like it's been deprived all its life.

I suppose I'll go to the CoHo for some lunch and hop over to see if I can get in today's 1310-1600 CHE2b lab.

Edit 20070103 12:04: oops, there are no labs this week.

This Curse on electronics of mine is getting annoying. Is there someone up there that really wants to see the extent to which I can adapt to adversities in college? Because that someone is overdoing it. It's not amusing anymore.

I really don't need to not be able to connect to the LAN the day before classes and the day after New Year's. Neither do I deserve all this shite after incidents all last quarter. And I'm referring to more than my Curse. I hope I can at least sleep well tonight.

Waking up bright and early tomorrow so I can lug all this stuff to...Plant and Environ Sciences building, since it's the closest place with wireless coverage.

Fuckinghell I hate my life right now =)

I wish death to all those morons who were making noises all evening =)