I might be getting reliant on the drowsy effects of Benadryl, something that has been more pronounced since my hands left the grotesque and diseased-looking stage. Unless I get less than seven hours of sleep or had been awake for more than seventeen hours, I find my mind filled with rushing thoughts and plans as I lay down in preparation for sleep. Failure to become drowsy within the half-hour mark just makes me more agitated and more prone to notice my father's loud snores. I've always had these problems with falling asleep, but nights without drug induced drowsiness seems especially vivid and restless.
Last night was especially bad since I slept very restlessly, dreamt much, and woke up a lot.
Lack of activity doesn't seem to be the issue, since I am yawning profusely by the time I physically settle down in bed--my mind just starts running in fast forward, thinking about ways to do things I didn't get to do.
Playing music seemed to help clear thoughts from my mind last night, though I am always in fear of waking up my father and be subjected to a round of questioning and criticism, since I only have my phone's speakers as a music player.
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
08 September 2011
05 August 2011
Drugs
Forgot to take a Benadryl before sleeping last night. Sleep came with a slight difficulty, but that is fairly normal for me. Will consider taking one or less pill than usual tonight. Not taking anything didn't seem to affect my hands much, either.
04 August 2011
HAAANDS!
They are healing up quite nicely. I have been going out and eating out quite often in the last several days (Saturday, Monday, Tuesday), and other than a little bit of rotting on the R middle finger, palm side, things have gotten much better. My hands and arms are much less unusually red, the affected skin are becoming less dry and obviously abnormal, the middle knuckle cracks are healing, and R backside webbing is slowly getting thinner.
Not being constantly uncomfortable in my own skin is oh so very nice.
Still taking nightly Benadryl (2) and one during dinner if I'm out, though. Might try reducing the nightly intake by 1 in a few days, since I don't really need it anymore. It seems that the side effect of drowsiness is fairly common in most people. Why can't I be one of those individuals?
Not being constantly uncomfortable in my own skin is oh so very nice.
Still taking nightly Benadryl (2) and one during dinner if I'm out, though. Might try reducing the nightly intake by 1 in a few days, since I don't really need it anymore. It seems that the side effect of drowsiness is fairly common in most people. Why can't I be one of those individuals?
21 July 2011
Progress, part II: Brimming with experience, just not in my area
I have meant to say in the last post but kept forgetting. One of the worse parts of the leaking is the smell. I could always smell the liquid that oozed from my skin. I could smell it all the time and smelled it everywhere. It made me all the more convinced that my hands are rotting.
My hands by this point has worsened. One giant blister covered R3 bottom knuckel, palm side, giant blisters that covers a third to half of each palm--there was very little skin on my hands that weren't somehow affected. My arms are also getting redder and more itchy. Sleeping, despite the supposedly calming effects of the medicine, is still very difficult. I would have problems getting to sleep and would wake up from itching and/or scratching. I would give up on trying to sleep and sometimes would just sit there until it's warm enough to get out of bed. I had started to dread sleeping some time ago, so at least I would be able to consciously lessen the itching sensation. I think I'm sleeping only a few hours every night by this time.
By this time I'm not eating most seafood except fish that is not tuna/salmon, no eggs, no fried stuff, no tropical fruits.
6 days later there was very little, if not no improvement. The eczema has spread to the other fingers on each hand, further onto the arms.
When we got back home I didn't think much of it. The gel was a little thick and dried fairly fast--it made a shiny, tough surface on top of my irritated, but unbroken skin (unlike every other part of my hands). My hands have been constantly itching for the past month, so I didn't think much of the back of my hands itching or took heed when my aunt said my hands looked more swollen since it has been looking swollen for weeks and I can't really tell whether it's more swollen since I stare at it all the time.
He put the gel on me around 15:00. But 17:30 I decided to wash the gel off because I felt that it was making my wrist hard to move and it was uncomfortable. I had thought that the glossy surface that the gel had made caused the illusion of a more swollen arm. After washing the gel off, though, I felt the back of my left hand and wrist swelled and hurt much more--and realised the suddenly worse areas were all places the gel had been placed. The back of my had was red, felt tight, stung like a bed of needles, and swelled to convex dome from my knuckes to my wrist. I couldn't move my wrist anymore.
Thinking back, while I'm most likely reacting to the gel, washing with just water probably agitated the skin further. I'd been taking very minimal showers because showers hurt like hell.
My hand worsened two-fold. I remember that I haven't been sleeping or would not even try to sleep until early morning already, but my hand oozed so much more that night that I decided I'm not going to sleep at all. It was painful and itchy. Going under the covers would only make me mind my hand even more. I stayed out in the living room and huddled under blankets on the black chair, planning to doze once I got very, very sleepy, but determined to occupy myself with only fics until then.
I got about half an hour of sleep last night.
My hands crusted over from the liquids, breaking through skin that would not heal all over the back of both hands. The three giant blisters palm-side are tough, covered my palms in one giant pouch in each hand and a couple on two fingers, very puffy and filled to the brim with liquids on the inside.
17 June 2011 - Millbrae
Went to a doctor here who's supposed to be very good but expensive according to my uncle. The doctor is a PhD of age eighty-odd who can read medical texts of Russian, English, and Chinese and has a lot of confidence. He also had a lot of advice to give. Said what I had was "hot-poison" and gave 5 days' worth of medicine that smelled like some medicine-y soup with pork, but tasted bland but a little salty. Also a soak that smelled the same, but contained far more sticks and leaves that it made the soak very thick. I felt like I was marinating my hands. He just said it was possible that it's both fungal and dermatitis.My hands by this point has worsened. One giant blister covered R3 bottom knuckel, palm side, giant blisters that covers a third to half of each palm--there was very little skin on my hands that weren't somehow affected. My arms are also getting redder and more itchy. Sleeping, despite the supposedly calming effects of the medicine, is still very difficult. I would have problems getting to sleep and would wake up from itching and/or scratching. I would give up on trying to sleep and sometimes would just sit there until it's warm enough to get out of bed. I had started to dread sleeping some time ago, so at least I would be able to consciously lessen the itching sensation. I think I'm sleeping only a few hours every night by this time.
By this time I'm not eating most seafood except fish that is not tuna/salmon, no eggs, no fried stuff, no tropical fruits.
6 days later there was very little, if not no improvement. The eczema has spread to the other fingers on each hand, further onto the arms.
23 June 2011 - Millbrae
With the medicine gone, we went back to the doctor to see what he has to say. He didn't have much to say, but changed the medicine so it's stronger in nature. When we went back to get teh medicine, the doctor smeared some aloe gel on the back of my left hand, saying to see if it helps and if it does, I can go back to get some. He smeared a lot on my hand and I had to spread it all over the back and around my wrist.When we got back home I didn't think much of it. The gel was a little thick and dried fairly fast--it made a shiny, tough surface on top of my irritated, but unbroken skin (unlike every other part of my hands). My hands have been constantly itching for the past month, so I didn't think much of the back of my hands itching or took heed when my aunt said my hands looked more swollen since it has been looking swollen for weeks and I can't really tell whether it's more swollen since I stare at it all the time.
He put the gel on me around 15:00. But 17:30 I decided to wash the gel off because I felt that it was making my wrist hard to move and it was uncomfortable. I had thought that the glossy surface that the gel had made caused the illusion of a more swollen arm. After washing the gel off, though, I felt the back of my left hand and wrist swelled and hurt much more--and realised the suddenly worse areas were all places the gel had been placed. The back of my had was red, felt tight, stung like a bed of needles, and swelled to convex dome from my knuckes to my wrist. I couldn't move my wrist anymore.
Thinking back, while I'm most likely reacting to the gel, washing with just water probably agitated the skin further. I'd been taking very minimal showers because showers hurt like hell.
My hand worsened two-fold. I remember that I haven't been sleeping or would not even try to sleep until early morning already, but my hand oozed so much more that night that I decided I'm not going to sleep at all. It was painful and itchy. Going under the covers would only make me mind my hand even more. I stayed out in the living room and huddled under blankets on the black chair, planning to doze once I got very, very sleepy, but determined to occupy myself with only fics until then.
I got about half an hour of sleep last night.
My hands crusted over from the liquids, breaking through skin that would not heal all over the back of both hands. The three giant blisters palm-side are tough, covered my palms in one giant pouch in each hand and a couple on two fingers, very puffy and filled to the brim with liquids on the inside.
Progress, part I: The middle of the story, since I don't even remember when it started getting bad.
Until I tried to remember how long this eczema has been a problem to keep friends and family up to date, I didn't realise how my sporadic complaining here serves fairly important documentation purposes. While I know I still can't be bothered to write about everything from day to day, I will make more of an effort to log my condition more regularly so I don't have to recall everything then get intimidated by the volume of words/abridge until it's essentially useless.
I don't quite remember what sort of condition I was in since last entry. But it has been a few days and the post has become huge, so I'm going to post in parts, as I get them done. The notes for the last three days (including today) is already done, but I'm going to post my logs in order and dated with the correct day.
I also have had some small bubbles (blisters) on my toes since the beginning, which was what got me thinking it might be an infection of a fungal nature
This degree of swelling made everything difficult, something I don't emphasize enough but is incredibly debilitating, mentally and physically. I had to fight the scratching reflex day and night, which made doing anything requiring thinking almost impossible. I was complain-y irritable at best and quite depressed and hopeless at times, and always disgusted at my hands. I still don't think my feelings at the time is unjustified--if looking at pictures of bad eczema makes you feel disgusted, try imagining seeing your own hands in that state, always in view, and looking like they are about to rot off. I became completely obsessed and preoccupied with them.I could spend hours at a time looking at my hands and peeling the flaking skin off. I was miserable because I really couldn't do jack shit. I couldn't draw or woodwork. Going out the door was problematic because my hands looked so gross. I loved using my hands to do stuff. Taking their ability to even type was devastating.
Physically, I had problems taking care of myself on a basic level. Teeth brushing, showering, changing, pulling on pants, pulling off pants, eating, getting onto bed...all of them risk breaking the blisters and cause my hand to swell and leak and itch badly afterwards. All I could do was to sit and read online--it took the least amount of movement and contact, but provided the entertainment needed to keep me distracted enough to forget about my hands. I drowned myself in fandom.
The doctor didn't really know what's up exactly, prescribed two days' worth of soak that smells like flowers and "cool"-type medicine for "wet-poison". The cat liked one ingredient of the soak--turns out it's in the same family as catmint. The medicine tasted like flower tea. Couldn't tell me whether it's fungal or eczema.
Wasn't sure what's supposed to happen after soaking and taking the medicine and the soaking stung a little, so after two days with no improvement but increased redness in the affected areas (Left: little, ring, inner wrist; Right: little, ring, webbing on back), we decided going out to Chinatown again would be super helpful.
I don't quite remember what sort of condition I was in since last entry. But it has been a few days and the post has become huge, so I'm going to post in parts, as I get them done. The notes for the last three days (including today) is already done, but I'm going to post my logs in order and dated with the correct day.
13 June 2011 - Chinatown
Went to see a what an Eastern medicine doctor makes of my hands, since I've been itching and it has been getting worse with both antifungal medication and glucosteriods before that. The blisters has grown huge--about 0.5cm on average-- and covering about 2/3 of my fingers and about 1/4 of my palm, hands swollen to the point that I have trouble doing much, including holding a fork to eat. I have been leaky every night and have trouble sleeping. Have trouble curling my palms because of the blister that's growing on the right webbing.I also have had some small bubbles (blisters) on my toes since the beginning, which was what got me thinking it might be an infection of a fungal nature
This degree of swelling made everything difficult, something I don't emphasize enough but is incredibly debilitating, mentally and physically. I had to fight the scratching reflex day and night, which made doing anything requiring thinking almost impossible. I was complain-y irritable at best and quite depressed and hopeless at times, and always disgusted at my hands. I still don't think my feelings at the time is unjustified--if looking at pictures of bad eczema makes you feel disgusted, try imagining seeing your own hands in that state, always in view, and looking like they are about to rot off. I became completely obsessed and preoccupied with them.I could spend hours at a time looking at my hands and peeling the flaking skin off. I was miserable because I really couldn't do jack shit. I couldn't draw or woodwork. Going out the door was problematic because my hands looked so gross. I loved using my hands to do stuff. Taking their ability to even type was devastating.
Physically, I had problems taking care of myself on a basic level. Teeth brushing, showering, changing, pulling on pants, pulling off pants, eating, getting onto bed...all of them risk breaking the blisters and cause my hand to swell and leak and itch badly afterwards. All I could do was to sit and read online--it took the least amount of movement and contact, but provided the entertainment needed to keep me distracted enough to forget about my hands. I drowned myself in fandom.
The doctor didn't really know what's up exactly, prescribed two days' worth of soak that smells like flowers and "cool"-type medicine for "wet-poison". The cat liked one ingredient of the soak--turns out it's in the same family as catmint. The medicine tasted like flower tea. Couldn't tell me whether it's fungal or eczema.
Wasn't sure what's supposed to happen after soaking and taking the medicine and the soaking stung a little, so after two days with no improvement but increased redness in the affected areas (Left: little, ring, inner wrist; Right: little, ring, webbing on back), we decided going out to Chinatown again would be super helpful.
17 June 2011
02 June 2011
End of the quarter and everything, except I'm not in school anymore
Woke clawing at my hands again at approximately 08:00, but at least I got five hours of sleep this time.
The heaviness in my head that accumulates with each waking hour is doing a number on me. Almost dozed off at my computer a few times so far, and have been a little prone to leaning back, stare, then have my head droop and eyes closed in a parody of a nap. The chair is comfortable.
The heaviness in my head that accumulates with each waking hour is doing a number on me. Almost dozed off at my computer a few times so far, and have been a little prone to leaning back, stare, then have my head droop and eyes closed in a parody of a nap. The chair is comfortable.
01 June 2011
Never thought I would dread sleeping as I did, fearing the lack of control slumber brings.
Awake since 5:30, with only two hours of sleep.
The coughing, after the last four days of silent hell, is finally doing what it's supposed to do. Doesn't make it any less obnoxious, just much less hurty.
That said, I couldn't fall asleep until at least 03:15 last night due to coughing spasms that wouldn't go away.
Then at 05:00 I woke up finding myself clawing fiercely at my fingers and wrist, unable to stop myself, feeling the hundreds of blisters on my fingers pop and the liquid inside coating my fingers.
Half an hour later I quelled the urge to scratch and laid my hands above my bed covers, idly considering the possibility of getting Elizabethan collars for my hands. My coughing spasms resumed soon after due to my uncovered throat and sternum, at which point I thought since I don't seem to be too tired, screw this. Not going to chance waking up scratching up myself again today.
Tiredness is pressing on my forehead now; maybe I will go take a nap sometime this afternoon.
I'm tired of my disabled hands. I can't do much when they're this swollen from inflammation. I also can't do much studying with this lack of sleep, either.
But I'm almost scared of sleeping and what it not brings.
The coughing, after the last four days of silent hell, is finally doing what it's supposed to do. Doesn't make it any less obnoxious, just much less hurty.
That said, I couldn't fall asleep until at least 03:15 last night due to coughing spasms that wouldn't go away.
Then at 05:00 I woke up finding myself clawing fiercely at my fingers and wrist, unable to stop myself, feeling the hundreds of blisters on my fingers pop and the liquid inside coating my fingers.
Half an hour later I quelled the urge to scratch and laid my hands above my bed covers, idly considering the possibility of getting Elizabethan collars for my hands. My coughing spasms resumed soon after due to my uncovered throat and sternum, at which point I thought since I don't seem to be too tired, screw this. Not going to chance waking up scratching up myself again today.
Tiredness is pressing on my forehead now; maybe I will go take a nap sometime this afternoon.
I'm tired of my disabled hands. I can't do much when they're this swollen from inflammation. I also can't do much studying with this lack of sleep, either.
But I'm almost scared of sleeping and what it not brings.
04 November 2010
The temperature was in the mid-twenties in the evening. Ridiculous.
It's NOVEMBER. NOVEMBER! Girls are still wearing tank tops and shorts, and I'm not layering five layers on top and two on the bottom.
Not that I mind, but it's November! The month before December!
Mrow. So tired. When will I be able to run and not be tired? ′Д`;;;
Cross-post.
Not that I mind, but it's November! The month before December!
Mrow. So tired. When will I be able to run and not be tired? ′Д`;;;
Cross-post.
27 September 2010
'Splody hand.
The portion of my right hand under the ring finger has been aching since two days ago. At first I thought it was just from bowling on Friday, but the eczema flared up last night--the finger swelled enough to cut off circulation to the tip of my finger, itched enough that I couldn't sleep, and oozed enough cellular fluid or leukocytes to soak through two tissues.
The swelling and itching didn't go down after applying fluocinonide and startedexploding oozing after I put on hyrdocortisone in desperation, despite knowing that it had only made the eczema worse in the past.
The tingling fingertip scared me, but I had no way to share because it was 2am and I had no internet.
The swelling and itching didn't go down after applying fluocinonide and started
The tingling fingertip scared me, but I had no way to share because it was 2am and I had no internet.
12 June 2010
This is pin a lie.
Tired. So tired. And I'm not even done yet.
All I have to show for only sleeping 2.5 hours the day before recieving my undeserved alumni pin is a self-decorated tassel, because I couldn't be bothered to order the shiny symbol of ΨΧ.
I probably should see what can be moved back so junk doesn't clutter the world next six months.
All I have to show for only sleeping 2.5 hours the day before recieving my undeserved alumni pin is a self-decorated tassel, because I couldn't be bothered to order the shiny symbol of ΨΧ.
I probably should see what can be moved back so junk doesn't clutter the world next six months.
21 March 2010
Caching in and catching up on sleep
I've been awake for 6.5 hours thus far today, and I'm foreseeing about 8 hours total of awake time at the most, considering how I'm already sleepy after my accidental 3-hour nap. Granted that this is potentially used for flu and general recovery from the past two weeks, it's probably fair.
Ah, went to FIRST SVR yesterday. Wanted to go Friday and deal with some paperwork on the way, but was too dizzy from the flu to drive back on Thursday. Early finals times are a mixed blessing.
Vacation until the twenty-eighth. Must use this time to do all the backlogged drawing and webby stuff.
Medicine, shower, phone call, then sleep again.
So sleepy.
Ah, went to FIRST SVR yesterday. Wanted to go Friday and deal with some paperwork on the way, but was too dizzy from the flu to drive back on Thursday. Early finals times are a mixed blessing.
Vacation until the twenty-eighth. Must use this time to do all the backlogged drawing and webby stuff.
Medicine, shower, phone call, then sleep again.
So sleepy.
06 August 2009
Yeah, sometimes it hurts during the first or second day, but the pain never came close to the verge of throwing up. Could feel the urge to do so. Don't think much would have came up, though, since the ingested half a cup of milk and slice of bread would have been close to 4 hours past digestion.
I wonder when was the last time I had to sleep off some sort of pain while waiting for the Ibuprofen to work. Probably never.
Ah, and it's been a while. Hello again. Life has been rather depressing. Rather, lacking in motivation and direction, for whatever reason.
ETA 20091023: It turns out that the next month was almost as bad. It happened at home and I slept from 1600 to 1900 because of that.
I wonder when was the last time I had to sleep off some sort of pain while waiting for the Ibuprofen to work. Probably never.
Ah, and it's been a while. Hello again. Life has been rather depressing. Rather, lacking in motivation and direction, for whatever reason.
ETA 20091023: It turns out that the next month was almost as bad. It happened at home and I slept from 1600 to 1900 because of that.
07 February 2009
Birfdae.
I woke up hardly an hour ago, but today is still shaping up to be the best one in the past 3 years. Surrounding days notwithstanding. After all, I wasn't staying up getting my heart tugged around, inevitably pulling hard on the tear gland. Nor was I staying up avoiding my birthday party, not because of the company but because of an impending test.
This year, despite being lost about my direction in life and a real need to finish that report and plan this presentation and sort out that research schedule, today I will play. I slept for 17 hours (19 would be a better number) and is ready to forget about everything else, just for a day.
As an afterthought, maybe today just feels great because it's been somewhat crap for the past two weeks. Huh.
This year, despite being lost about my direction in life and a real need to finish that report and plan this presentation and sort out that research schedule, today I will play. I slept for 17 hours (19 would be a better number) and is ready to forget about everything else, just for a day.
As an afterthought, maybe today just feels great because it's been somewhat crap for the past two weeks. Huh.
28 August 2007
07 June 2007
Badminton
For the first time, the "themed nights" at the DC is bad. Well, maybe not as bad as it can get, just not as good as the other themed nights. I was especially disappointed in the supersalty!salmon-tomatoes thing and the slightly un-fresh!Mahi Mahi. I got the last bubble bottle though, yay.
Afterwards I went to play badminton with Thomas & Garris. Well, I pretty much only played with Garris, since we're too n00b to play with the ex-badminton team member :] It was still fun feeding Garris birdies, as I cannot vary my shots to save my life. Hitting the birdie back to where ever the person is is almost an instinct `0`;;; And as out of shape as I am, my arms and legs are sore just from playing for the better part of two hours. I'm glad I did, since it would hopefully reduce my emerging insomnia tendencies (as my father would have suggested) and I have forgotten the subtleties of the game. There would be hell to pay tomorrow though °0°!!!! I'm sure right forearm and thigh will definitely be difficult...and hopefully my hand will not shake tomorrow...wah...though there is no saying for the rest of the muscles ><;;;;
Gah, I will everything will just be over :[ A lot of things are starting to get on my nerves again.
Afterwards I went to play badminton with Thomas & Garris. Well, I pretty much only played with Garris, since we're too n00b to play with the ex-badminton team member :] It was still fun feeding Garris birdies, as I cannot vary my shots to save my life. Hitting the birdie back to where ever the person is is almost an instinct `0`;;; And as out of shape as I am, my arms and legs are sore just from playing for the better part of two hours. I'm glad I did, since it would hopefully reduce my emerging insomnia tendencies (as my father would have suggested) and I have forgotten the subtleties of the game. There would be hell to pay tomorrow though °0°!!!! I'm sure right forearm and thigh will definitely be difficult...and hopefully my hand will not shake tomorrow...wah...though there is no saying for the rest of the muscles ><;;;;
Gah, I will everything will just be over :[ A lot of things are starting to get on my nerves again.
05 June 2007
Sleep
I think something has gone wrong with me again. I have lingered in the space between tiredness and insomnia before, last year or before the last, during school or on vacation. It feels like where I am now, between feeling unenergized and knowing sleep would not come soon nor take hold of me well until the mornings.
Yes, partly would be because I have been suffocated by the mucous between my nasal passage and my throat and have been hacking mylungs the very same vile things out.
I don't think that is the cause, however. Gaining consciousness in an hour before sunrise or after only 5 hours of sleep, completely awake (though unwilling to get out of bed) does not feel pleasant. Restless? Perhaps. At least that is how I last described it.
Yes, partly would be because I have been suffocated by the mucous between my nasal passage and my throat and have been hacking my
I don't think that is the cause, however. Gaining consciousness in an hour before sunrise or after only 5 hours of sleep, completely awake (though unwilling to get out of bed) does not feel pleasant. Restless? Perhaps. At least that is how I last described it.
Tuesdays
Only on a Tuesday do I slam the window shut in irritation in the morning, only to open it back up an hour or two later. When I wonder if I'm slowly growing restless and insane, it's usually a Tuesday morning.
Tuesday mornings usually mean I have an urge to kill.
Tuesday mornings usually mean I have an urge to kill.
02 May 2007
If There Was a Choice...
Oh, I know exactly how I got into this state of mind. And frankly, the
simplest solution would be the Esc key. If only I had a key like that.
These things are becoming not worth my attention, my energy, none of it is
anymore. Perhaps the problem is my own—others certainly don't seem to have
problems like mine...well, then again, others certainly aren't
[stupid, timid, lost, nosy] enough to pursue a solution to prevent
themselves from getting into my situation.
I'm at the end of my tolerance. Oh, surely, I've been managing for a while.
Even that is getting to be too tiresome now. I'm not understanding, I'm not
caring, I'm not kind, I'm not patient, and I'm fucking socially awkward.
I'm afraid of criticisms, rejections, and hated looks.
I can't help even if I want to.
Everything more than staying quiet and offer acknowledgment will ruin
things, I'm sure.
And the biggest problem of all: I can't fucking stop asserting myself
somehow. Can't fucking stay away, can't NOT DO ANYTHING AND SEE IT MANIFEST
AND GROW AND FESTER AND DECOMPOSE.
Yet it's what I've been trying to do all this time.
And it's killing me.
I feel dead.
simplest solution would be the Esc key. If only I had a key like that.
These things are becoming not worth my attention, my energy, none of it is
anymore. Perhaps the problem is my own—others certainly don't seem to have
problems like mine...well, then again, others certainly aren't
[stupid, timid, lost, nosy] enough to pursue a solution to prevent
themselves from getting into my situation.
I'm at the end of my tolerance. Oh, surely, I've been managing for a while.
Even that is getting to be too tiresome now. I'm not understanding, I'm not
caring, I'm not kind, I'm not patient, and I'm fucking socially awkward.
I'm afraid of criticisms, rejections, and hated looks.
I can't help even if I want to.
Everything more than staying quiet and offer acknowledgment will ruin
things, I'm sure.
And the biggest problem of all: I can't fucking stop asserting myself
somehow. Can't fucking stay away, can't NOT DO ANYTHING AND SEE IT MANIFEST
AND GROW AND FESTER AND DECOMPOSE.
Yet it's what I've been trying to do all this time.
And it's killing me.
I feel dead.
01 May 2007
Grass-cutting Noise Monster
Whose the hell thought that driving that grass-cutting noise monster at eight forty-five in the morning would be a fucking good idea? And the leaf-blowing machine? Even the workers need earmuffs for those!
And here I thought I can avoid being woken up by noisy things by sleeping early and waking at a reasonably early time. Damnit.
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