Avoidance is the easy way out. It also makes me feel like a larger and larger pile of shit every time I do it, but at the time, it's easy. Even if I have to deal with the emotional backlash later.
I don't think I'll be a good parent, if it ever comes down to it.
I feel like I need to complain and complain. This opportunity is crazy amazing especially because it was luck. And while it's moving so quick, it's also so restrictive, consuming. The first two are annoying, the last one down right frightening. I never thought I would be doing this, see. Never considered it a possibility and never saw myself doing this other than a hobby I dabbled with.
I just. Can't. Don't. Know. What to do with myself.
This started because I was lazy. I thought I would be okay with the boring stuff. Four months later I couldn't snatch up the offered opportunity fast enough, despite lacking knowledge. Then I became stuck in the middle, like being shown the sky and the cage all at once. Being prodded for better, faster without knowing where it all leads to, then a sudden shock to the collar for trying the wrong direction.
I hate being blamed for a general disorganization, thoughtlessness, and rashness. Opportunity to make it big quickly is great, but, fuck, the nebulae of expectations, structure, position, and general state of things is driving me up the walls.
There is never time to figure things out, what with being kept at maximum capacity 99% of the time, and these vague expectations translated to underachievement and I can't fucking stand it.
