Caffeine, Food, Sleep, and the Bad Place

Too much, not enough, even less, and getting there.

Caffeine tolerance level plummeted since college, now manifests as nervous nausea and unsettled mindset. Possibly learned to associate with due-dates.  Exacerbated if coupled with insufficient food intake throughout the day. Need to get out of here.

Calories today involved 2 slices of sprouted wheat bread with salmon cream cheese spread, 4 creamers, two shots of Keurig coffee (10oz total, Gloria, Hazelnut), and about 20 blackberries. Not enough by far, but though of eating makes me guilty and smell of ginger is making me sick. Conflict stopping attempts to eat.

5-6 hours of sleep. Three hours of driving, with about 45 minutes of traffic. Trapped trapped trapped.

Equally spacey and twitchy. Tired, can't sleep on bed (too comfortable, don't deserve it), folding in on the floor is nauseous (fat.).

Feeling like I need to sob.

This is what I have always been afraid of after that time.

Never had such an urge to bust open the ale but is being told I can't drink alone. /boohiss

LoL Stress (Might be a tiny bit manic) & Growth

I've been getting the sort of tight clenching in my stomach that usually comes with presentations and unknown social situations. These build slowly enough, though, that I can't pin down a cause or a trigger. Suddenly I notice the anxious rolling in my gut, the lack of appetite, or restlessness. Then I notice the other small things—worse-than-usual concentration, wide eyes, constantly changing windows and tabs, fine tremors, shallow breath, or less often increased heart rate and actual stomach pain.

Side note: lack of appetite is a huge flashing sign for something gone wrong for me. Usually, even if I didn't feel like eating, I could eat. I almost never have the heart to deny myself food, and the year or so I did that was a time when I was in a very bad place. Can't really even seriously consider doing drastic food-reducing or meat-denying since in fear of going back there.

I can't recall any specific triggers for the nervous spells. It's definitely too mild to be a panic attack; it feels closer to anxiety, but again, too mild. It doesn't even always happen when workload is high. It just happens while I work on my computer-related deskjob. Didn't think it would have anything to do with stress until T suggested it.

If it happens early in the day enough, sometimes taking a walk or going on lunch break helps. Sometimes eating the lunch I have little appetite for helps. Sometimes watching TV helps.

Getting nervous in my stomach is worse when it comes late in the day, though, because it stays with me until I've had enough of work. Usually gets better on the drive home, if traffic doesn't piss me off.

Today, though, it stayed with me and got worse as the day drew to a close, all throughout the drive, and after sitting down at home. I felt restless, too loud, unstable. Everything was distracting. Couldn't really handle multiple tabs, let alone TV, computer, and conversations.

After a while I escaped to the bedroom and read lying down probably for almost an hour. But it was past 8:15 by the time I felt okay enough. Appetite was still not there, but I wasn't at such a manic place in my head. Dinner was pushed to after nine because Father knew I didn't have an appetite. Not that it really mattered because I only made myself eat a bit anyway.

Yeah, it's Not Healthy. Dunno how to deal with it. Don't even think I should be getting stressed. If it is, then that just makes me feel like a failure for not being able to deal with small things.

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In other news.

I haven't been here a while. Not that I haven't been back to that Bad Place several times—I still feel bouts of worthlessness and irritability and sleeplessness, but talking helps. Knowing People are there helps, even if I feel too worthless to talk to them.

Sometimes, my lack of goals and direction still overwhelms me.

But I guess I don't feel as alone. Lonely, sometimes, yes, and irrationally abandoned, sometimes, yes. But after three years and after this Chinese new year vacation, I really took to heart and started to believe that there are a few people who will give me unconditional love, no matter how unspectacular and worthless and burdensome I may or may not be.

The realisation didn't come without litres of tears.

But even when I fall into the Bad Place there is something a little more solid inside that used to feel so achingly hollow. A little bit of comfort, warmth, and security, reminding me in the back of all the muddy thoughts that, sure, everyone else may be too good for me, but there are some who are so, so good that I still won't be abandoned no matter what.

All of these entries are a rambling of thoughts, something I started to get myself out there in a superficial way then morphed into rationalizing, self-calming, and introspection exercises when I need them. So it wasn't until I got to the end of the last paragraph that I realise I've been mentioning things that help. Granted, this stuff isn't written when I'm emotionally compromised, but this feels like a stage in growth. I'm learning.