Yasashiburi...na.

self-assumed wittiness discouraged. I'm really not in the mood for it. But I don't want to completely disallow comments, so thus this warning.

For a while, I was sure of deserting this place. This web place. Because I was scared and felt...unsafe of revealing more than I have. Because, as ridiculous as this may sound and as much as I don't intend this to happen, this web place misinformed others. Hmm, led others to believe my sullen, pessimistic side to be all I am, this webplace radiates. The only thing that can be blamed on me is not putting up discretions: WARNING—biased and a fraction of the author is represented, as she is too good and avoidant to tell every fcking little detail about her life to a bunch of imaginary audiences that can't do a thing and might get overly concerned

But whatever. There's also the thing about me being too busy to write. Unlike those who find their interest in academic/school subjects (and often I envy them), I have more particular hobbies that tends to just waste time. There is also newspaper/robotics/APs to blame. The whole managing thing in newspaper and robotics really stressed me out, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

I still think newspaper is much more pathetic in time management wise than in robotics. At least the robotics folks don't get stuck in something as menial as trying to vision the fcking layout before getting any content done. That's my job. YOU go out and get the contents and layouting will be smooth and pretty. If you care about the layouts on pages so much, then stop trying to make me work with no content and let me LEAVE when there's nothing to do rather than lecturing me about how I've let the team down. Or, let me whine about other pages more. "Centerspreads are the arts and graphics manager's [treasure]" my ass. I can't do a fcking thing with no content.

It's suprising how much steam I still have after two weeks. Maybe the reason is the approaching deadline night and the endless centerspread talk again. Oh, that and Mr. Lee's extreme worries are getting on my nerves. 50 doesn't quite equal 100, even if you round, thank you.

I'm 60% regretting taking AP gov't. Their scheming, plotting, loophole-finding, doubting, biased frame of mind is exhausting. I don't know how politicians stay happy in that depressing environment. WHY must I take a stance?

I think I'm getting neurotic and am definately getting more avoident because of increasingly negatively annoying humans I must interact with. It makes me want to run into the woods and stay a hermit (crab). Actually, I've already did that twice! Except the one on labor day weekend was anything but solitary, even if sleeping in the car instead of the tent was a good experience. The one this weekend was better. With more people and less expected to interact, at the very least.

Back to me being avoident. I think I'm chasing away my friends because of it. Because I act with aloofness and and uncaring attitude. Most of the time I'm actually very interested in their stories though...I just don't want to ask and poke into something they don't want to reveal...Hell, there's also me building all these fcking defences because I don't want others to find weaknesses...to pretend I'm less vitiated and weak and damaged than I am. I'm scared of being hurt, you know. It's part of the reason why I am afraid of anything intimate. Yes. All from the fear of being disliked and socially rejected. Ironic, isn't it? That I state that I don't care about being different while yearning for acceptance and recognization. Haha, this discrete yearning while hinding behind a facade thing is really back firing. While I'm no social animal or even anything social, I do wish I'm not so distant.

Today, back from the camping trip this weekend in Yosemite (we got to live in tents with cots inside Yosemite! Yay!), when I mentioned about Amy asking me to homecoming, Parents asked (half-jokingly) if I worry about being seen as a lesbian, and I responded with Amy being Bi and me not caring whether whatever sexual orientation I am (the closest thing I got instead of saying I'm pansexual, which I'd need to explain), they got really silent for an interesting amount of time. Hehe. Hmm...it's better to say that I'm asexual now, harhar, seeing my intima-phobia being so ragingly rampant.

It's 00:19 and I still need to do some last minute A+G staff meeting planning and do stats homework (I HATE GOULD; she's making me loose interest in stats in her teaching methods and mannerisms) before I sleep. At least tomorrow's only half a day.