Dear Nodame

There is something I feel like I must express, but nothing is coming out right. Not from pencils, nor from keyboard.

I always wonder, what if I was bold enough to take the artist road? Be brave enough, be confident enough, to do this thing that I like, but only mildly competent in?

Not taking that path, I know, is sensible...but I can't help thinking, isn't that the same thing you wanted to do? (Of course, you were actually more than qualified to take that road...) Sometimes, I think I purposely avoid furthering myself there so I can convince myself that that is not the way I should go, that this is the reason for this other decision.

You touched me, Nodame, because you just wanted to enjoy what you liked, too, but you had the push from everyone else to make sure you were taking that road. You went down that road when the choice really mattered. I still don't know whether what I chose was right, but then again, as of now, I'm still younger that you...so we shall see.

You are probably what I want to be. Then again, who wouldn't? For this exact reason you are a story, and I am real.

Am I just reluctant to go back to school now?
Or just unwilling to make peace with what will happen?
What kind of fool am I, to pretend, even for a little while, that I can be like you: to find someone outside to depend upon, to be fine with the prospect, to immerse myself in something so much that I forget everything else, to escape and have everything turn out fine?

What is this that I am doing?
Whywhyhow?

I wish I am better in something...so I can express myself better.
I hate myself for being so inferior, so afraid, so stupid, so childish, and so LACKING.

And I need to tag my posts better.