Looking Back Years and Years, Feeling Old and Young At the Same Time.

There was a girl, not a long time ago, who made few friends and was quiet. She made friends slowly; mingling was difficult with children who had a different background, not that she was particularly outgoing, either. She wanted others to like her, because she thought nobody would like her and be friends with her otherwise. She bluffed and lied and pretended, as best she could, to be perfect. She was scared. Scared that anything she did would be repulsive, disgusting. Afraid that being too friendly would be too bothersome.

So she restrained herself from giving a classmate a pat on the back, declined invitations to go to movies and hang out and have dinner. No, she said, I have something to do. Her friends left her alone after a while. And she became more standoffish until it became a habit. Having a parent to drive her home became part of her excuse.

Oh, she was amiable enough to talk to anyone who initiated the conversation. But she didn't make many more friends, and the ones she had she became less familiar with.
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After a little while, I got fed up with the cognitive dissonance between what I think and what I do. I was also pretty fed up with mindlessly listing what I did from day to day. Originally I thought I should keep all my angst and boy-squealing to another blog that I will hide from the world (or at least from people I know personally). Then on 07 July, 2005, I said, "[t]he last time I posted it was almost a year ago, for the sake of people who don't care about my angst. But then I was like, screw this, and went for putting everything, from anime reviews and afterthoughts to funny links to daily angst on there. 'Cus there's nothing to hide from."

The very first reason for a blog was to record my thoughts, since I've never successfully kept a diary/journal of any sorts before. Its second purpose was to make myself let go of trying to keep my reputation. To open up, and be true. To make myself accept the imperfect, not quite stoic enough self and be happy with it. I've talked about a mask more than once during these years, and I still use this horribly common metaphor. It improved my sociability, and to a much smaller degree, my self confidence and self esteem.

It was partly because I made myself talk about things that didn't make me look good, but more importantly, because the little comments let me know that people will still associate with me even when I had all these faults and imperfections and different pastimes. I'm still working on it.

I once vouched to not censor anything, but of course, it only worked to a certain degree. I especially refrained from talking about my love life, for good reason.

Now, I don't know what I'm doing with Kakeru. I post interesting articles, gives random one line updates sparingly, and comments on things when they come up. It's as if I stopped talking about myself. Perhaps I have more things that fall in the censored material category now. And because I have a person to, uh, listen to me rant now...though the only thing that's changed about that is getting more direct, immediate responses...sorry, Larry =p

I was getting somewhere with this, but, as usual, I've lost my focus. Ah, oh well, this is what the blog is for =)

Lethargy.

...and it has to do with more than only 5.5 hours of sleep. Exercise should do me some good. We'll be going to tour a house...so that bit of walking might help.

Have not been putting time to good use since 10:30 this morning.

Yay! PMS Whinge

Side note: That (title) is proof of too much HP fanfiction.
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I have foreseen it, I prepared for it, but it still feels uncomfortable. At least there is no mess this time. The pain and sore back is normal, but the urge to guzzle (wait, now we're switching to Southern speak?) anything with chocolate is not pleasant on my conscience.

Bah.

Older, Happier, and getting e-valentinrs

■ PsycPort.com: Older may mean happier

No, I'm not having difficulties coming to terms with my age, no.

■ "Valentinrs is an online deposit of Valentines greetings... " (notice the grammatical error on the 3rd sentence. (winces) Even I don't make that sort of mistake...often.

Pass 1

I thought my pass 1 time is at Monday, 5 Feb 6:30pm when I looked yesterday.

Garris and I joked about how it's not 6:30am this morning in chem.

Well, apparently it will be at 6:30, am.

News: "Trying to censor blogger "

SF Chronicle: Trying to censor blogger- Owner of conservative radio station KSFO demands liberal critic quit using audio clips

Something I chanced upon in the newspaper today.

Whiner

Haha, was just looking through some other people's blogs and their first posts of the year are mostly "Happy New Year" while I just complain incessantly.

Perhaps one of my real resolutions is to not complain so much XD

As I Thought...

Went to Plant+EnvironSci building to check server status and stuff this morning and went back to the room to double check everything again, according to their instructions. Borrowed Amy's cable/port to check, but to no prevail.

Calc break 1000-1050. Garris and Thomas(Shiwei) are also in Kouba. Don't know which discussion section they're enrolled in, but that doesn't matter.

Just went into ITexpress (in the Shields Library) and asked about the connection, and as I thought, the server is not receiving the newly registered physical addresses. Who knows when they'll get everything fixed...currently outside, in the courtyard of the library, because the heating is too warm for what I have on. Aren't you proud, Larry? I'm actually wearing clothing too warm for indoors!

Wireless eats batteries like it's been deprived all its life.

I suppose I'll go to the CoHo for some lunch and hop over to see if I can get in today's 1310-1600 CHE2b lab.

Edit 20070103 12:04: oops, there are no labs this week.

This Curse on electronics of mine is getting annoying. Is there someone up there that really wants to see the extent to which I can adapt to adversities in college? Because that someone is overdoing it. It's not amusing anymore.

I really don't need to not be able to connect to the LAN the day before classes and the day after New Year's. Neither do I deserve all this shite after incidents all last quarter. And I'm referring to more than my Curse. I hope I can at least sleep well tonight.

Waking up bright and early tomorrow so I can lug all this stuff to...Plant and Environ Sciences building, since it's the closest place with wireless coverage.

Fuckinghell I hate my life right now =)

I wish death to all those morons who were making noises all evening =)

I don't want to go back i don't i'm not ready don't make me everything is a mess i can't keep doing what i did maybe i should drop one of the classes i'm not ready i don't wanna go this is too much to manage i don't want to decide and deal with everything i need to can i just be spoiled i'd like that.