I wish I were prolific in some way, fearless of imperfections and consequences of putting a part of me out for others to see. I wish I had confidence and ambition for the things I do, instead of giving up half way in everything, telling myself it's guilt or that I'm only taking a break.
I used to say that I wish I were smarter, but I'm convinced that's not going to happen—not that it'll help anyway.
27 September 2011
21 September 2011
08 September 2011
Addicted and sleep
I might be getting reliant on the drowsy effects of Benadryl, something that has been more pronounced since my hands left the grotesque and diseased-looking stage. Unless I get less than seven hours of sleep or had been awake for more than seventeen hours, I find my mind filled with rushing thoughts and plans as I lay down in preparation for sleep. Failure to become drowsy within the half-hour mark just makes me more agitated and more prone to notice my father's loud snores. I've always had these problems with falling asleep, but nights without drug induced drowsiness seems especially vivid and restless.
Last night was especially bad since I slept very restlessly, dreamt much, and woke up a lot.
Lack of activity doesn't seem to be the issue, since I am yawning profusely by the time I physically settle down in bed--my mind just starts running in fast forward, thinking about ways to do things I didn't get to do.
Playing music seemed to help clear thoughts from my mind last night, though I am always in fear of waking up my father and be subjected to a round of questioning and criticism, since I only have my phone's speakers as a music player.
Last night was especially bad since I slept very restlessly, dreamt much, and woke up a lot.
Lack of activity doesn't seem to be the issue, since I am yawning profusely by the time I physically settle down in bed--my mind just starts running in fast forward, thinking about ways to do things I didn't get to do.
Playing music seemed to help clear thoughts from my mind last night, though I am always in fear of waking up my father and be subjected to a round of questioning and criticism, since I only have my phone's speakers as a music player.
06 September 2011
Marketable skills
I has none.
Rather, all my potential marketable skills are all very unremarkable and noncompetitive. If you consider the combination of skills, however, I may be slightly more unique—slightly. Who would want someone with a skill set like this anyway?
In other news, I walked past $10 on the ground and failed to pick it up. A second later a kid noticed it and it was gone. One can say that maybe it's not meant to be mine, but I actually really could use that money. I'm about $200 in my accounts and 20k in debt, with no job.
I'm poor, guys; don't bother robbing me.
Rather, all my potential marketable skills are all very unremarkable and noncompetitive. If you consider the combination of skills, however, I may be slightly more unique—slightly. Who would want someone with a skill set like this anyway?
In other news, I walked past $10 on the ground and failed to pick it up. A second later a kid noticed it and it was gone. One can say that maybe it's not meant to be mine, but I actually really could use that money. I'm about $200 in my accounts and 20k in debt, with no job.
I'm poor, guys; don't bother robbing me.
01 September 2011
Seriously. When someone, on multiple occasions, tell you that no matter what your intentions are, he/she is getting a certain attitude from you, it fucking means either you are unaware of how fucking negative you are or that you're doing something wrong.
It's not saying that you are wrong or he/she doesn't want to talk to you or tell you stuff or that he/she is not listening to you because he/she is a insolent child because he/she fucking can.
Who's the one being arrogant and unable to taking into others' comments now?
It's not saying that you are wrong or he/she doesn't want to talk to you or tell you stuff or that he/she is not listening to you because he/she is a insolent child because he/she fucking can.
Who's the one being arrogant and unable to taking into others' comments now?
Medic: the experience
Turns out there's still paperwork to be done after getting there, and now I have signed my rights away twice and received a yellow plastic card for it. The doctor couldn't really tell me anything I didn't know and couldn't do anything besides waiting for it to get worse again, as expected. At least I know I'm way heavier than I used to be (ugh) and my blood pressure is 113/65.
Also was told twice to go get an exam at the gynecology dept.
I was told by the nurse (dark skin and pretty gray-blue eyes) that the doctor (not Dr.Sue but Dr.Su) was weeks new. He looked young, but whatwas funny caught my attention were his blood-shot eyes. Also had the attitude of an ABC. Just saying.
Spend the remainder of the afternoon in Hillsdale Mall, B&N, T.J. Maxx, and Michaels. Michaels had this type of soft-cover bound sketchbook that I wanted on clearance. But I missed it ;____; And they need more people working there, if I had to wait 10 minutes for help :\
Came home with fatigue and a headache.
That's actually not very accurate. I came home fine, but after dinner I felt very meh and tired and my head felt kinda funny and stuffy. Really wanted to do something, but just can't muster the focus. Currently being slightly passive aggressive by refusing to be socially convenient and entertain T's comments about DE:HR. Fuck his game.
Also was told twice to go get an exam at the gynecology dept.
I was told by the nurse (dark skin and pretty gray-blue eyes) that the doctor (not Dr.Sue but Dr.Su) was weeks new. He looked young, but what
Spend the remainder of the afternoon in Hillsdale Mall, B&N, T.J. Maxx, and Michaels. Michaels had this type of soft-cover bound sketchbook that I wanted on clearance. But I missed it ;____; And they need more people working there, if I had to wait 10 minutes for help :\
Came home with fatigue and a headache.
That's actually not very accurate. I came home fine, but after dinner I felt very meh and tired and my head felt kinda funny and stuffy. Really wanted to do something, but just can't muster the focus. Currently being slightly passive aggressive by refusing to be socially convenient and entertain T's comments about DE:HR. Fuck his game.
Medic!
First time going to see a (general public) western doctor in years. I wonder how different they are from university health center doctors. I mostly want their opinion on what I'm reacting to, since I'm pretty sick of not allowed to eat anything and be told I have toxins in my body that I need to get rid of. I hope this doctor is open-minded enough about eastern medicine to accept that it has been working, but also that it doesn't tell me what is wrong with me, exactly. (Also that it's all thanks to the eastern medicine that I am able to sleep and social and go places in the 6 weeks that it took to assign me a damn primary care doctor.)
The second thing I wanted to ask is if there's anything I can do about the mite/flea/mosquito bites on my legs. I've got about 23 of them, and they've been waking me up early morning (6-7am), itching like crazy until I use hydrocortisone.
Fifteen minutes before I have to leave.
Nervous? Yeah, a little.
The second thing I wanted to ask is if there's anything I can do about the mite/flea/mosquito bites on my legs. I've got about 23 of them, and they've been waking me up early morning (6-7am), itching like crazy until I use hydrocortisone.
Fifteen minutes before I have to leave.
Nervous? Yeah, a little.
25 August 2011
More hand issues
Father was feeding me sole and mackeral for a few days and so for the last two days I've got some bubbles on my left pinky and right ring finger, plus some bumps and redness along my arms.
He disparages my will and habits, continually.
Going to Davis to move out tomorrow and over the weekend. Hope my hand doesn't get worse in the heat. Also haven't asked for money to pay the rent. Hope it won't go terrible. I'm always super guilty when asking for money.
He disparages my will and habits, continually.
Going to Davis to move out tomorrow and over the weekend. Hope my hand doesn't get worse in the heat. Also haven't asked for money to pay the rent. Hope it won't go terrible. I'm always super guilty when asking for money.
17 August 2011
Hands, ears, and about caring.
1. My hands got way better until a couple of days ago, when I tried to reduce my medicine intake and father cooked food that had peanuts in it. Don't know if that was the problem, since he tends to blame things like me going out making it worse anyway. But it's only as if the bubbles and redness and swelling is coming back a little and doesn't look like it's about to explode.
10. I started hearing a constant static in my left ear. It's not affected by head position, swallowing, or noise level. Voices do not sound distorted either. I hope it's just a eardrum puncture and not an infection. Father is saying this is because I sit all day. That's what he said for my hiccups yesterday too.
11. At this point, I am very tired of just hearing about what I did wrong, what I am doing wrong, and what I'm lacking. I've been trying to tell myself that's how he cares, but frankly, all these negative messages are only pushing me towards a depressive state. As much as I hate to think that way, maybe he really is just being abusive, like T believes. I get that F may be frustrated by my languor and my lack of progress, but it feels like I am in the wrong no matter what I do. I get told off for eating strange foods when I go out, and I told off for not doing anything, not wanting to do anything, when I stay in. Nothing I do is right.
I am tired of the cocksure attitude he possess on health issues. I'm especially tired of the way he think he knows better than eastern and western doctors alike (but especially of western doctors). I'm tired of hearing about what's wrong with his brothers and sisters and their family like we are superior. I am sick of him saying that I've switched my area of study too many times. More so because I am especially regretting not doing like he thinks I did.
I hate him for pointing out my apathy and idleness, not because it's true, but because it is said without caring about how I am faring about it, only caring that something is done on the issue. I hate that he doesn't seem to care about what obstacles I could been meeting, only that I must clear them out of my way. It's easy to say that he does not care about further schooling, but he does not hear the disappointment and failure and hope in his voice.
Sometimes, I think I can hear his inner hope and aspirations of me better than he can. But the problem is, I can't hear his caring side.
I really want to.
I really tried to.
But all I ended up with is self-hatred.
The static in my ear is gone.
10. I started hearing a constant static in my left ear. It's not affected by head position, swallowing, or noise level. Voices do not sound distorted either. I hope it's just a eardrum puncture and not an infection. Father is saying this is because I sit all day. That's what he said for my hiccups yesterday too.
11. At this point, I am very tired of just hearing about what I did wrong, what I am doing wrong, and what I'm lacking. I've been trying to tell myself that's how he cares, but frankly, all these negative messages are only pushing me towards a depressive state. As much as I hate to think that way, maybe he really is just being abusive, like T believes. I get that F may be frustrated by my languor and my lack of progress, but it feels like I am in the wrong no matter what I do. I get told off for eating strange foods when I go out, and I told off for not doing anything, not wanting to do anything, when I stay in. Nothing I do is right.
I am tired of the cocksure attitude he possess on health issues. I'm especially tired of the way he think he knows better than eastern and western doctors alike (but especially of western doctors). I'm tired of hearing about what's wrong with his brothers and sisters and their family like we are superior. I am sick of him saying that I've switched my area of study too many times. More so because I am especially regretting not doing like he thinks I did.
I hate him for pointing out my apathy and idleness, not because it's true, but because it is said without caring about how I am faring about it, only caring that something is done on the issue. I hate that he doesn't seem to care about what obstacles I could been meeting, only that I must clear them out of my way. It's easy to say that he does not care about further schooling, but he does not hear the disappointment and failure and hope in his voice.
Sometimes, I think I can hear his inner hope and aspirations of me better than he can. But the problem is, I can't hear his caring side.
I really want to.
I really tried to.
But all I ended up with is self-hatred.
The static in my ear is gone.
05 August 2011
Drugs
Forgot to take a Benadryl before sleeping last night. Sleep came with a slight difficulty, but that is fairly normal for me. Will consider taking one or less pill than usual tonight. Not taking anything didn't seem to affect my hands much, either.
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