Hands, ears, and about caring.

1. My hands got way better until a couple of days ago, when I tried to reduce my medicine intake and father cooked food that had peanuts in it. Don't know if that was the problem, since he tends to blame things like me going out making it worse anyway. But it's only as if the bubbles and redness and swelling is coming back a little and doesn't look like it's about to explode.

10. I started hearing a constant static in my left ear. It's not affected by head position, swallowing, or noise level. Voices do not sound distorted either. I hope it's just a eardrum puncture and not an infection. Father is saying this is because I sit all day. That's what he said for my hiccups yesterday too.

11. At this point, I am very tired of just hearing about what I did wrong, what I am doing wrong, and what I'm lacking. I've been trying to tell myself that's how he cares, but frankly, all these negative messages are only pushing me towards a depressive state. As much as I hate to think that way, maybe he really is just being abusive, like T believes. I get that F may be frustrated by my languor and my lack of progress, but it feels like I am in the wrong no matter what I do. I get told off for eating strange foods when I go out, and I told off for not doing anything, not wanting to do anything, when I stay in. Nothing I do is right.

I am tired of the cocksure attitude he possess on health issues. I'm especially tired of the way he think he knows better than eastern and western doctors alike (but especially of western doctors). I'm tired of hearing about what's wrong with his brothers and sisters and their family like we are superior. I am sick of him saying that I've switched my area of study too many times. More so because I am especially regretting not doing like he thinks I did.

I hate him for pointing out my apathy and idleness, not because it's true, but because it is said without caring about how I am faring about it, only caring that something is done on the issue. I hate that he doesn't seem to care about what obstacles I could been meeting, only that I must clear them out of my way. It's easy to say that he does not care about further schooling, but he does not hear the disappointment and failure and hope in his voice.

Sometimes, I think I can hear his inner hope and aspirations of me better than he can. But the problem is, I can't hear his caring side.

I really want to.
I really tried to.
But all I ended up with is self-hatred.

The static in my ear is gone.