My mind aches but refuses to rest.

Also, where the fuck is the Lenovo's charging cord?! Kinda need it.

Introductions

Sometimes, I think this would be a good way to introduce myself, on the back of the card in smallprint:

Hello, thank you for saying hello to me, even if I may not like you or have prejudices towards you because of your habits and frame of mind. I am not very good at maintaining contact and have self-worth issues but is actually inwardly emotionally needy. It causes me problems because I also hate superfluous social niceities and admire people who don't give a fuck, so I tend to leave myself a bit stranded in trying to seem coolly aloof. 

If you don't mind me dropping off the planet and get into (not diagnosed) depressive episodes, do come talk to me; people are interesting, and whether or not I like you, the chances are I'm more likely to just avoid responding to stuff that I disagree with rather than chew you out. Unless you want me to. I can do that too. Or discuss things with you, if you promise to try not to be offended, because I've been trained to not be offending. 

Profound boredom.

Low energy, high irritability, low self-esteem..

...low motivation and libido, negative world views, suicidal thoughts.

I have started to compose a suicide letter in my head. The biggest thought that is keeping me from actually planning for the occasion is guilt. No one should carry the burden of my actions; I don't want them to have it. They shouldn't need to. The mess-up is me and it's not their fault. My letter will attempt to convince anyone who matters that I have made myself to be the piece of waste that I am, therefore they should not care. Erase me completely and achieve something better, because they deserve it.

I am good at shamming okay. There is one person I hate shamming to and so I don't, whom I end up cutting as a result. Then I feel worse for allowing myself to injure this being that is mostly made of patience and perfection.

So at once I lash out as a sign for help and despise myself for being selfish and an attention whore.

I don't like labeling myself as "depressed". In this internet era, it mostly translates to being a bit sad. The word no longer carries the weight of someone who has to fight random bouts of tears. I can't label myself having a major depressive disorder either, because one does not diagnose oneself. Besides, I can still get out of bed, though I hate every moment of it and can't wait to get back.

Admitting that I am depressed feels too much like a passing, attention grabbing remark.

So I don't say it.

I had thought that if I just not give into tears, I would be better. It isn't.

When I don't put up an effort to sham and put inflection and energy in my voice, it becomes small and monotonous. Expressions are hard to maintain. Others think I'm pissed at them and goes away. Why is that when others make non-committal noises and gets into these moods, I feel like I'm getting hurt, but I also hurt when I'm the one doing it? Do they understand that to me, it means that they don't care for me at all? Why is that they don't seem to get the message that I'm only using their mode of communication to say "I feel shitty, please help"?

Sometimes I have to make the effort to breathe.

I lash out might be because I want someone to go past my my anger and tell me that they still love me even though I'm behaving terribly, because my usual pleasant self is not all they care about.

After all these years, I still have the same damned insecurities and issues.

Displacement, not that other mature thing.

First dream I would categorize as nightmare rather than a thriller I've had in fifteen or eighteen years.

In the dream I bawled and cried and then was strong because I couldn't do it in real life.

Feeling slightly better, but thinking about the dream makes me want to cry.

What do you do when it's clutching to your shoulders and chest and you  don't want to admit it but you believe what it says to be true despite what you know being more true.

Sometimes i feel like a good cry will make me feel better

To get rid of that constriction in my chest and the polluting thoughts. Maybe, I keep thinking, maybe a good cry will disperse the impending depression, that it will give me a bit more ground so I don't feel like I'm about to totter into a pit at every which shuffle.

Or maybe I'm already down part way, waiting for rescue, looking into and feeling the unending pit in every thought. Maybe it'll be easier on the world if this trap just goes away, my only contribution to serve the purpose.

Tingly Feelings

When my palm tingles, I get nervous. Is it actually acting up or just remembering the time when all of it was one giant blister?

Apparently that was not the bottom

Shitty day turned into shitty weekend lead into shitty house situation lead into shittier day lead to shitty food.

Everything has been shitty. I really can't name anything that made me happy in the past week.

Temporarily amused, yes. Good mood? No, not by far.

Guilt.

Everywhere, around every corner
The direction does not matter.