This is point in time is not quite the end yet, so I shall reign in the reflections for a couple more days. But ruminations are certainly permissible, I think.
I walked out of Genetics final feeling quite lost and with plenty of regret. I am done with the class—the one (real) class that I enjoyed—and I prepared far too inadequately for it. Not as inadequate as the studying I tend to do for o-chem, but the guilt is worse. They weren't difficult questions, but only being able to recall the page and recognize the questions (the same questions) without the capacity to recall the details and the actual answer sits more heavily on my conscience than walking out of a(n) (o-chem) test knowing I have failed because I had absolutely no inkling to the answer.
I probably have grown quite attached to the professor, too. He was incredibly willing to share what he knows, and will answer questions beyond what was asked. My relatively numerous (but can still be counted on one hand) number of not-relevant-to-test-material-but-related questions probably facilitated that. He's also the adorable bumble-y grandfatherly types with a good sense of humor and love of metaphors...and I think I'm somewhat more easily attached to parental figures these days.
So tired and down but I know I shouldn't be.
I just felt like I failed the professor, the parents, and the self because I didn't study enough when I bloody knew my capabilities are far from my performance today. I know I can be brilliant, and there was absolutely no excuse for getting less than 95% today because all the answers were there and available and are things I have seen and should have remembered. And from what I've seen, calculated, and went through, I don't think there's really a chance for his curve to keep my grade in the borderline A-/A range (in which case I think I have accumulated enough "extra" points for an A).
Disappointment to the world, I am.
Self-hatred? Check.
(Too consumed to even talk about the internet problem anymore)
Ah Bernice. Don't beat yourself so hard up for it. What happened happened, and that's how it happened. These things happen, yeah? I know it's hard to believe and all, the great and mighty PcBY not being able to strike down a challenge that came her way, but I know a couple things are certain.
ReplyDeleteYes, this will sound incredibly tacky and cheesy and whatever words you want to use, but you didn't fail your parents. They love and care for you, and you've turned out remarkably well after two decades, ey? I think so, and I'm pretty sure they'll agree with me.
As for self hatred, well. There's nothing I can really do or say about THAT, but if it helps your self esteem any, we all have our fallout days, but I still think you're awesome. =)
As for the attachment to parental type figures, well I can understand that, considering what you've told me about...parental type figures and all. Maybe you feel like you failed your professor. Heh.
But you know what? You may be a disappointment to the world, but you'll never be a disappointment to me. And that's the truth. =) *hug* You know where to find me if you want to talk. Sorry for the essay. I'm pretty tired and I guess it kind of just spewed out.
Aren't you lucky to have such a nice friend?
ReplyDeleteWoo! I'm a nice...friend. Hm. Hmm.
ReplyDeleteOn other topics, you should go. GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUTT AND GO DARN YOU. It's okay if we don't meet up. Well, maybe not really, but, you should go see your mum. Better to not see you smile than to see you not smile. =)
Or something like that. But if you do happen to go and schedule your trip so that maybe I could catch a glimpse of you, that'd be pretty nifty. We could go for coffee. Not Peet's, please.