I'm not sure if it's better or worse that i sting after scratching the itch.

Progress Part VII: Finally up to date, getting way worse, and speculations

21 July 2011

Slightly worse in all aforementioned spots today. More redness/swelling, more skin loss. Slight spreading/swelling on back of left and right hands and knuckles. Cracking on the left pinky. More bubbles on right palm.

Slept until 12 again. Had a dream where I was heading to theoretical home in China/HK and first had to leave the cat by himself for three days, but then he came with us. For some reason Second Aunt was also there, and so was T. We had to take turns with one computer and then I found an off-limits computer after showering (running on XP). When I "woke up" I found Mother in the living room reading, and the cat (shrunk to the size of a large rat) was squirming in its food bowl, sans any skin. Mice was trying to nibble on him and was also sans skin. According to Mother the cat threw up and then was licking himself and licked off all the skin. Plus the skin of the mice. Not sure whether I tried throwing the mice out--they were all sticky and slimy-- or removing the cat from the bowl, but the other kind followed and I had to pick up my cat from the huddle of mice and cat from the piled that reformed on the floor. Needless to say, I woke up a little disturbed and immediately went to check if the cat is alright.

22 July 2011

Yet still worse today. More redness in fingers and on back of hands, thickened skin between the fingers, more bubbles on right palm, left palm is a little uneven. Greater affected areas on my wrist. Hands were very hot and itchy last night. Didn't sleep until 2, woke up around 3:30, and hands ceased to be itchy and hot around 5.

Dreamt that I was on a campus that connects to a aquarium and sports activity place. The campus was huge and required riding trains through the mountains to get home. They were switching train tunnels around and one segment of it didn't match, so a segment of train would get unlatched and left behind. My friend and I ran to the front of the train and left the train in the storm. I couldn't open an umbrella (orange) because the wind is strong enough to flip it. Ran inside the aquarium/sports/tutoring/learning place (dream geography is always wacky) and wandered around accidentally going through an in-use auditorium (we sneaked out), seeking an exit. Another time I was in the train again and the train got stuck because of that bit of tunnel, so I went to the aquarium place again and tried to walk the short way around, but ended up meeting little kids wanting to draw or something...

I've been reading two books on neurochemicals' effects on female and male brains. It's written by a psychiatrist and sometimes the book is a little to laymen for me, but looking at the surges of estrogen females experience every month makes me think that the worsening of my hands might be related to my monthly cycle--more precisely, the ebb and flow of estrogen. We shall see if my hands get better next week, when my estrogen should be plummeting.

Progress part VI: Downhill once again.

19 July 2011

Very visible bumps/liquid pockes under the skin on the palm side of right middle finger, pad below right ring finger, and middle of palms. Some swelling on the back side of right webbing, left little finger, and back side below left little and ring fingers. Rougher skin here. Also splochy redness/swelling on inside and medial side of left wrist and around the ball of the left thumb. This last area was acting up the night prior around 3am but went away the next day. Some new splotches in new areas on the inner arm near the elbow.

Started soaking in Dead Sea salt during the day as I should've been.

20 July 2011

Mostly unchanged. Affected areas on the right hand, palm side, might have gotten slightly more blistery, but don't seem to have spread. Skin on left little and ring finger have gotten rougher and have started getting cracks. More small, under-skin blisters on the palm side of the left ring finger. A small patch appeared on the medial side of last left thumb knuckle. Wrist patches remains unchanged. Feeling some bumps under the skin on right palm side ring finger, middle segment.

Slept incredibly well though. Had some trouble falling asleep last night—probably wasn't able to sleep until 2 or so—and achieved uninterrupted sleep until 9, at which point I woke briefly feeling fairly well-rested but wasn't able to get up until 11 (before alarms). This is about an hour or two earlier than usual, though I mostly out of bed because I was feeling aches from not moving for too long. I wonder how much of this is due to the drugs (though it's not supposed to be effective past 6 hours?).

Progress part V: Lauding T and running out of drugs

13 July 2011

Hands seemed to have gotten better, I seem to be able to sleep quite well, and I was running out of Benadryl, so I tried reducing the dosage to 25mg. Had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. Finished the last two pills the night after.

16 July 2011

Since the end of May, I refused to see anyone except the people in my immediate household, my aunt and uncle next door (involuntarily), the doctors, and T because he's wonderful and drove down to entertain me every weekend. I'd even missed KJ's birthday/rockband party because that was the weekend right after the Millbrae doctor ruined my hands, too. ;___;

But.

I was well enough for an outing for C's birthday!

It was my first outing since the end of may. I had a little bit of trouble picking a sort of savory crepe that didn't have cheese or beef, and ended up ordering a custom crepe with turkey, mushrooms, and sun-dried tomatoes. There were sweet crepes that I could eat, actually, but I only had half of a granola bar that morning. The crepe I ordered had black peppers, which I am not supposed to eat since it's spicy. This is why eating out is a problem--there are just too many little things I could not control. I supposed it shouldn't affect me too much though, since I know my father adds a little white pepper in the things he cooks. I was a little disappointed about the turkey being slices of sandwich turkey, but it blended in with the skin of the crepe and made it meaty-tasting, which is nice.

Then everyone went to a bubble tea. I only drank some of T's taro bubble tea. It wasn't strong enough in taro flavour. Then we went to karaoke from 2 to 5. I stayed at T's until 7--right before dinner (because my diet requirements are a pain).

I had already felt my hands getting slightly worse the night before, but it wasn't so bad...it got a little more agitated that night, but still no visible redness or marks. Forgot to get more Benadryl, though, and had a hellish time sleeping. Almost reverted back to the not-sleeping sort of condition from before.

The next night we went to get more Benadryl. We got a 200 pill bottle. All the sleepy drug for me. It's now officially my happy pill. Though it doesn't really make me happy.

Progress Part IV: Getting answers and getting less socially avoidant

6 July 2011 - San Bruno

If nothing else, this doctor was reassuring. She touched my affected hand with no qualms other than being mindful of my wounds, didn't try to force my fingers to move as did the other doctor, and didn't tell me "it's probably better" if I didn't eat the things I asked about. She seemed fairly certain that it's an acute onset dermatitis (debatable, since I've had coming and going problems since I was young), and it was likely triggered by an allergy (possible, but not anything I know of).

After asking about the history of my condition, she even said I should be okay with dairy, as long as I avoid cheese. Baked and pan-fried stuff is okay, and even fried stuff is fine once in a while. Soy and gluten is definitely fine since I don't have prior history of these kinds of allergies. She did say to avoid all seafood until I'm healed though, in contrast to other doctor's okay on freshwater fish.

A few days prior my hands got slightly worse and I was getting jumpy about what I'm allowed to eat. The doctor, like the one in Millbrae, said it just gets better and worse sometimes. But it might be getting worse because the skin is too dry, so told me to soak in dead sea bath salt in the day and soak the herbal stuff only once at night a little before going to sleep.

The doctor said I'll get better again by the end of the week, but would like to see me at the end of the month to see if I need to change the dosage. I did become better slowly and that one stubborn crack on my right middle knuckle even healed up.

Regarding sleep, she said Benadryl is supposed to be the best (antihistamine and drowsy properties), but if that doesn't work we can try motion sickness medicine, because it helped her.

After seeing her, I went up to the general hospital to ask about insurance options for this poor, jobless, sickly self, because I wanted answers about the western view of things. Chinese medicine works and all, but their theories are only explained by more theories and has no physiological basis that my background wanted to know. until August of 2012, I'm fully covered (no co-pay) under the county health program because I have no assets to speak of. Too bad Father didn't want to take me when it was really bad--then I'd definitely qualify for disabilities, too (can't get a job and can't drive because of my hands).

I took the drowsy motion sickness meds that night, and after two nights, determined that I'd need 50mg Benadryl and 50mg Dramamine (dimenhydrate) to get drowsy enough. Even then I didn't pass out like I wanted.

Soon I ran out of Dramamine, and the less drowsy formula, Meclizine-HCl, didn't work at all. By then, I was able to sleep decently though usually still itched and have trouble falling asleep. Usually would wake up around noon.

Progress, part III: Dead people don't get eczema

24 June 2011 - San Bruno

After a night in near-tears, I finally decided I've had enough with being thrown around by my father's decision-making thus far, so I asked him to take me to a hospital where I can find myself a dermatologist. He instead went online to find a Chinese doctor who specializes in dermatology.

Called ahead, no one answered, but decided the office was close enough that we wouldn't lose much by heading over anyway. Turns out the doctor wasn't in, but the receptionist there introduced us to the standard medicine they sell for eczema. Bought the pills, the soak, the cream, and the spray. The receptionist also recommended Benadryl for sleeping, which we went to get on the way back.

The next 12 days would have to be classified as a general success as my hands got better for the first time since I went to play badminton some time in May. The large blisters began to lose dry up from the inside after two days, the redness and swollen parts slowly receded to managable levels, showering and hair-washing is no longer a four-finger operation. The progress was tremendous.

Because I soaked in the herbal soak three times a day, put on cream and spray carefully all over the affected areas in addition to petroleum jelly and antibacterial cream in cracked areas, I spend at least 4 hours a day taking care of my hands and feet, out of maybe the 12 hours I'm awake and not in bed.

I still was having trouble sleeping and staying asleep even with 50mg diphenhydramine hydrochloride (Benadryl), but it gave me a little bit of help. I fluctuated between getting around 3 to 12 hours of sleep. With my skin getting better and shedding, though, the days were a lot less difficult.

But this is also the period when I was not preoccupied enough to look stuff up about eczema. Father also did the same, and soon I got frustrated at what I could not eat, and was having huge cravings for all the snacks at Trader Joe's. I usually never crave snacks like cookies or biscuits, but all that stuff looked inviting in my vitamin/fats deficient diet. I had been only eating steamed or boiled foods, with a very limited selection of food in general. I started to read about how some eczema patients avoided touching print material, wore light cotton gloves to sleep, avoided contact with water, and on, and on. I started to freak out when they mentioned avoiding soy and gluten products( and chicken and meats, according one slideshow), at which point I went, "fuck that." T commented, "I'm sure dead people don't get eczema."

With the soak running out, it was time to go see doctor. The doctor seems to have two offices and is not at the office during half of the week, so an appointment was made and I compiled a list of things to ask, mostly regarding what the hell I can eat and survive.

Progress, part II: Brimming with experience, just not in my area

I have meant to say in the last post but kept forgetting. One of the worse parts of the leaking is the smell. I could always smell the liquid that oozed from my skin. I could smell it all the time and smelled it everywhere. It made me all the more convinced that my hands are rotting.

17 June 2011 - Millbrae

Went to a doctor here who's supposed to be very good but expensive according to my uncle. The doctor is a PhD of age eighty-odd who can read medical texts of Russian, English, and Chinese and has a lot of confidence. He also had a lot of advice to give. Said what I had was "hot-poison" and gave 5 days' worth of medicine that smelled like some medicine-y soup with pork, but tasted bland but a little salty. Also a soak that smelled the same, but contained far more sticks and leaves that it made the soak very thick. I felt like I was marinating my hands. He just said it was possible that it's both fungal and dermatitis.

My hands by this point has worsened. One giant blister covered R3 bottom knuckel, palm side, giant blisters that covers a third to half of each palm--there was very little skin on my hands that weren't somehow affected. My arms are also getting redder and more itchy. Sleeping, despite the supposedly calming effects of the medicine, is still very difficult. I would have problems getting to sleep and would wake up from itching and/or scratching. I would give up on trying to sleep and sometimes would just sit there until it's warm enough to get out of bed. I had started to dread sleeping some time ago, so at least I would be able to consciously lessen the itching sensation. I think I'm sleeping only a few hours every night by this time.

By this time I'm not eating most seafood except fish that is not tuna/salmon, no eggs, no fried stuff, no tropical fruits.

6 days later there was very little, if not no improvement. The eczema has spread to the other fingers on each hand, further onto the arms.

23 June 2011 - Millbrae

With the medicine gone, we went back to the doctor to see what he has to say. He didn't have much to say, but changed the medicine so it's stronger in nature. When we went back to get teh medicine, the doctor smeared some aloe gel on the back of my left hand, saying to see if it helps and if it does, I can go back to get some. He smeared a lot on my hand and I had to spread it all over the back and around my wrist.

When we got back home I didn't think much of it. The gel was a little thick and dried fairly fast--it made a shiny, tough surface on top of my irritated, but unbroken skin (unlike every other part of my hands). My hands have been constantly itching for the past month, so I didn't think much of the back of my hands itching or took heed when my aunt said my hands looked more swollen since it has been looking swollen for weeks and I can't really tell whether it's more swollen since I stare at it all the time.

He put the gel on me around 15:00. But 17:30 I decided to wash the gel off because I felt that it was making my wrist hard to move and it was uncomfortable. I had thought that the glossy surface that the gel had made caused the illusion of a more swollen arm. After washing the gel off, though, I felt the back of my left hand and wrist swelled and hurt much more--and realised the suddenly worse areas were all places the gel had been placed. The back of my had was red, felt tight, stung like a bed of needles, and swelled to convex dome from my knuckes to my wrist. I couldn't move my wrist anymore.

Thinking back, while I'm most likely reacting to the gel, washing with just water probably agitated the skin further. I'd been taking very minimal showers because showers hurt like hell.

My hand worsened two-fold. I remember that I haven't been sleeping or would not even try to sleep until early morning already, but my hand oozed so much more that night that I decided I'm not going to sleep at all. It was painful and itchy. Going under the covers would only make me mind my hand even more. I stayed out in the living room and huddled under blankets on the black chair, planning to doze once I got very, very sleepy, but determined to occupy myself with only fics until then.

I got about half an hour of sleep last night.

My hands crusted over from the liquids, breaking through skin that would not heal all over the back of both hands. The three giant blisters palm-side are tough, covered my palms in one giant pouch in each hand and a couple on two fingers, very puffy and filled to the brim with liquids on the inside.

Progress, part I: The middle of the story, since I don't even remember when it started getting bad.

Until I tried to remember how long this eczema has been a problem to keep friends and family up to date, I didn't realise how my sporadic complaining here serves fairly important documentation purposes. While I know I still can't be bothered to write about everything from day to day, I will make more of an effort to log my condition more regularly so I don't have to recall everything then get intimidated by the volume of words/abridge until it's essentially useless.

I don't quite remember what sort of condition I was in since last entry. But it has been a few days and the post has become huge, so I'm going to post in parts, as I get them done. The notes for the last three days (including today) is already done, but I'm going to post my logs in order and dated with the correct day.

13 June 2011 - Chinatown

Went to see a what an Eastern medicine doctor makes of my hands, since I've been itching and it has been getting worse with both antifungal medication and glucosteriods before that. The blisters has grown huge--about 0.5cm on average-- and covering about 2/3 of my fingers and about 1/4 of my palm, hands swollen to the point that I have trouble doing much, including holding a fork to eat. I have been leaky every night and have trouble sleeping. Have trouble curling my palms because of the blister that's growing on the right webbing.

I also have had some small bubbles (blisters) on my toes since the beginning, which was what got me thinking it might be an infection of a fungal nature

This degree of swelling made everything difficult, something I don't emphasize enough but is incredibly debilitating, mentally and physically. I had to fight the scratching reflex day and night, which made doing anything requiring thinking almost impossible. I was complain-y irritable at best and quite depressed and hopeless at times, and always disgusted at my hands. I still don't think my feelings at the time is unjustified--if looking at pictures of bad eczema makes you feel disgusted, try imagining seeing your own hands in that state, always in view, and looking like they are about to rot off. I became completely obsessed and preoccupied with them.I could spend hours at a time looking at my hands and peeling the flaking skin off. I was miserable because I really couldn't do jack shit. I couldn't draw or woodwork. Going out the door was problematic because my hands looked so gross. I loved using my hands to do stuff. Taking their ability to even type was devastating.

Physically, I had problems taking care of myself on a basic level. Teeth brushing, showering, changing, pulling on pants, pulling off pants, eating, getting onto bed...all of them risk breaking the blisters and cause my hand to swell and leak and itch badly afterwards. All I could do was to sit and read online--it took the least amount of movement and contact, but provided the entertainment needed to keep me distracted enough to forget about my hands. I drowned myself in fandom.

The doctor didn't really know what's up exactly, prescribed two days' worth of soak that smells like flowers and "cool"-type medicine for "wet-poison". The cat liked one ingredient of the soak--turns out it's in the same family as catmint. The medicine tasted like flower tea. Couldn't tell me whether it's fungal or eczema.

Wasn't sure what's supposed to happen after soaking and taking the medicine and the soaking stung a little, so after two days with no improvement but increased redness in the affected areas (Left: little, ring, inner wrist; Right: little, ring, webbing on back), we decided going out to Chinatown again would be super helpful.