Father was feeding me sole and mackeral for a few days and so for the last two days I've got some bubbles on my left pinky and right ring finger, plus some bumps and redness along my arms.
He disparages my will and habits, continually.
Going to Davis to move out tomorrow and over the weekend. Hope my hand doesn't get worse in the heat. Also haven't asked for money to pay the rent. Hope it won't go terrible. I'm always super guilty when asking for money.
25 August 2011
17 August 2011
Hands, ears, and about caring.
1. My hands got way better until a couple of days ago, when I tried to reduce my medicine intake and father cooked food that had peanuts in it. Don't know if that was the problem, since he tends to blame things like me going out making it worse anyway. But it's only as if the bubbles and redness and swelling is coming back a little and doesn't look like it's about to explode.
10. I started hearing a constant static in my left ear. It's not affected by head position, swallowing, or noise level. Voices do not sound distorted either. I hope it's just a eardrum puncture and not an infection. Father is saying this is because I sit all day. That's what he said for my hiccups yesterday too.
11. At this point, I am very tired of just hearing about what I did wrong, what I am doing wrong, and what I'm lacking. I've been trying to tell myself that's how he cares, but frankly, all these negative messages are only pushing me towards a depressive state. As much as I hate to think that way, maybe he really is just being abusive, like T believes. I get that F may be frustrated by my languor and my lack of progress, but it feels like I am in the wrong no matter what I do. I get told off for eating strange foods when I go out, and I told off for not doing anything, not wanting to do anything, when I stay in. Nothing I do is right.
I am tired of the cocksure attitude he possess on health issues. I'm especially tired of the way he think he knows better than eastern and western doctors alike (but especially of western doctors). I'm tired of hearing about what's wrong with his brothers and sisters and their family like we are superior. I am sick of him saying that I've switched my area of study too many times. More so because I am especially regretting not doing like he thinks I did.
I hate him for pointing out my apathy and idleness, not because it's true, but because it is said without caring about how I am faring about it, only caring that something is done on the issue. I hate that he doesn't seem to care about what obstacles I could been meeting, only that I must clear them out of my way. It's easy to say that he does not care about further schooling, but he does not hear the disappointment and failure and hope in his voice.
Sometimes, I think I can hear his inner hope and aspirations of me better than he can. But the problem is, I can't hear his caring side.
I really want to.
I really tried to.
But all I ended up with is self-hatred.
The static in my ear is gone.
10. I started hearing a constant static in my left ear. It's not affected by head position, swallowing, or noise level. Voices do not sound distorted either. I hope it's just a eardrum puncture and not an infection. Father is saying this is because I sit all day. That's what he said for my hiccups yesterday too.
11. At this point, I am very tired of just hearing about what I did wrong, what I am doing wrong, and what I'm lacking. I've been trying to tell myself that's how he cares, but frankly, all these negative messages are only pushing me towards a depressive state. As much as I hate to think that way, maybe he really is just being abusive, like T believes. I get that F may be frustrated by my languor and my lack of progress, but it feels like I am in the wrong no matter what I do. I get told off for eating strange foods when I go out, and I told off for not doing anything, not wanting to do anything, when I stay in. Nothing I do is right.
I am tired of the cocksure attitude he possess on health issues. I'm especially tired of the way he think he knows better than eastern and western doctors alike (but especially of western doctors). I'm tired of hearing about what's wrong with his brothers and sisters and their family like we are superior. I am sick of him saying that I've switched my area of study too many times. More so because I am especially regretting not doing like he thinks I did.
I hate him for pointing out my apathy and idleness, not because it's true, but because it is said without caring about how I am faring about it, only caring that something is done on the issue. I hate that he doesn't seem to care about what obstacles I could been meeting, only that I must clear them out of my way. It's easy to say that he does not care about further schooling, but he does not hear the disappointment and failure and hope in his voice.
Sometimes, I think I can hear his inner hope and aspirations of me better than he can. But the problem is, I can't hear his caring side.
I really want to.
I really tried to.
But all I ended up with is self-hatred.
The static in my ear is gone.
05 August 2011
Drugs
Forgot to take a Benadryl before sleeping last night. Sleep came with a slight difficulty, but that is fairly normal for me. Will consider taking one or less pill than usual tonight. Not taking anything didn't seem to affect my hands much, either.
04 August 2011
HAAANDS!
They are healing up quite nicely. I have been going out and eating out quite often in the last several days (Saturday, Monday, Tuesday), and other than a little bit of rotting on the R middle finger, palm side, things have gotten much better. My hands and arms are much less unusually red, the affected skin are becoming less dry and obviously abnormal, the middle knuckle cracks are healing, and R backside webbing is slowly getting thinner.
Not being constantly uncomfortable in my own skin is oh so very nice.
Still taking nightly Benadryl (2) and one during dinner if I'm out, though. Might try reducing the nightly intake by 1 in a few days, since I don't really need it anymore. It seems that the side effect of drowsiness is fairly common in most people. Why can't I be one of those individuals?
Not being constantly uncomfortable in my own skin is oh so very nice.
Still taking nightly Benadryl (2) and one during dinner if I'm out, though. Might try reducing the nightly intake by 1 in a few days, since I don't really need it anymore. It seems that the side effect of drowsiness is fairly common in most people. Why can't I be one of those individuals?
Man oh man, Young Adulthood.
Found my wordpress blog I used to write unkind things on today. Man, was I angry. Actually, it's pretty understandable given the circumstances of a shared room, but now I think it's time to MOVE THESE ENTRIES SOMEWHERE MORE PRIVATE, yo.
Probably here. Under several locks and maybe a couple of ogres guarding the door. How good are ogres as guardians anyway?
EDIT: It turns out that WP allows both private settings and password protected options. I guess these particular not-for-children posts will remain where they are :D
Probably here. Under several locks and maybe a couple of ogres guarding the door. How good are ogres as guardians anyway?
EDIT: It turns out that WP allows both private settings and password protected options. I guess these particular not-for-children posts will remain where they are :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)