When I began this blog 3 years ago (has it really been three years?), I didn't want it to be a xanga-typed 'look guys, I'm so important that you'd want to know every little thing I did today' journal. I thought it was silly and ego-centric. Too many censors that kept me from knowing what's really going on in their minds. I didn't like reading those "superficial" posts, and strived to steer away from that.
I wanted some place where I can let some steam off. Some place where I can express myself to my content. Some place to record my thoughts. Some place to let others decide whether they are interested in what I have to say. Some place to open myself as if I would to a...I don't know. A place to throw my image and face and whatever I've built around myself away for a bit. It worked, for a while.
Without even going back on the entries, I know I've shed some of that "I-must-not-show-weaknesses" layer, if only just a bit. Perhaps whether I made myself open up or not made no difference in these three years (afterall, I did became more involved with other activities and grew more comfortable to this setting with these people), but the growth is there, as minimal as it may be.
I still dislike being "not good enough", "not better", and "faulty." It still plagues me. But I've stopped mentioning it and other darker stuff that I used to expose. I stopped writing when I really should. Censored.
Perhaps I felt I exposed myself too much and too little. Perhaps I felt my thoughts worry others.
But me just having a fine, fine life was—is—definately not the case.
I can blame it on the comments thing. I realized, whether I want to or not, I care what these readers feel after the post. I don't want them to think I'm inbalanced, chronically depressed, perpetually unhappy, or that I need cuddling. Becoming aware of these readers...scared me. I don't want them (you) to see me at my worst, at my ugliest. I don't want them (you) to see how selfish, how disgusting, how queer, how...imperfect I am.
I laugh and make fun of my own faults, but it's a strike to myself every time I do it. I hated every time I see myself being ugly.
Nonetheless, I am grateful for the comments. They make me feel just a little more important.
I have a frighteningly low self-esteem.
I am afraid, deathly afraid, of being forgotten.
I wanted to fix this.
I still want to fix this.
I thought this writing would help.
I still think this writing can help. A little.
I don't know what else I can do.
I don't know how else I can stop using the word "I" and stop being so selfish and ego-centric and disgusting.
I'm fucking pathetic.
...
...
...
I know this is treated like a keep-in-touch blog. Even I'm treating it like so now. Things that I want people to know, things that I think are interesting go into these posts. I still refuse to detail my life in this, but that's only because I'm easily bored by having to repeat my day all over. Just a matter of taste, I guess.
And this is the way it should remain.
But too much I leave unsaid. So I will dump the darkstuffs somewhere else. I can't bring myself to not let anyone read it, nor, I've realized, should I force them to choke on the poison I threw up. Not out. Just up. For the same reason I can't bring myself to disable comments. I made the decision to let it out. They (you) have the right/choice to respond. I like the silence just as I like the attention.
Things will change a bit. In the future.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
15 September 2006
14 September 2006
07 September 2006
05 September 2006
In The Library
Went to 6th period, then to Q-cup, then to Robotics with Amy.
Amy went to work and I followed along. After an hour of dA-checking (still have 800+ to go through ;_;), here I still am.
So here I ponder. I really should not continue my 3-plus-month brain dead "vacation" period and work on some projects I have meant to complete since...a long time ago. Possibly since summer last year, at least.
The gift for Ward is done. Now I just have to finish Faustine's. The concept/design is there, but the pictures are not satisfactory yet. I haven't started on the frame yet, either. Perhaps I should leave now and, perhaps, I can catch the last bit of sunlight and take more photos. Though, it's 18:00 now...no, the sunlight is past the Cayota (??? What was is called?) grove anyway.
This blog layout is messed up. The menu is crap. I'm not about to fix it even though I know how to now. I wonder if we'd actually get together and go 'teach' a Japanese lesson like Kat and Amy and Shibamiya said. Would be nice if we did. Oh, must come up with several Robotics sweatshirt design before Thursday, too...
Amy's right. My mentality still hasn't graduated yet.
Amy went to work and I followed along. After an hour of dA-checking (still have 800+ to go through ;_;), here I still am.
So here I ponder. I really should not continue my 3-plus-month brain dead "vacation" period and work on some projects I have meant to complete since...a long time ago. Possibly since summer last year, at least.
The gift for Ward is done. Now I just have to finish Faustine's. The concept/design is there, but the pictures are not satisfactory yet. I haven't started on the frame yet, either. Perhaps I should leave now and, perhaps, I can catch the last bit of sunlight and take more photos. Though, it's 18:00 now...no, the sunlight is past the Cayota (??? What was is called?) grove anyway.
This blog layout is messed up. The menu is crap. I'm not about to fix it even though I know how to now. I wonder if we'd actually get together and go 'teach' a Japanese lesson like Kat and Amy and Shibamiya said. Would be nice if we did. Oh, must come up with several Robotics sweatshirt design before Thursday, too...
Amy's right. My mentality still hasn't graduated yet.
28 August 2006
It is time.
It is time to change layout, seriously.
Perhaps it's time to expand into LJ too.
(LJ works with openID)
Perhaps it's time to expand into LJ too.
(LJ works with openID)
24 August 2006
Housing...finally!
■ Why is 205 smaller than the other rooms?! 203 should be subjected to the same fate as 205!!!!!one11
...(hits herself)
Anyway, Amy~ Yorushiku onegai ne~!
...
...
...!
...(hits herself)
Anyway, Amy~ Yorushiku onegai ne~!
...
...
...!
Housing...still!
Finall I can look at the info....?
"The Student Housing system is currently experiencing a heavy amount of traffic. Please try again later. "
...(emits murderous intent)
"The Student Housing system is currently experiencing a heavy amount of traffic. Please try again later. "
...(emits murderous intent)
Hosing again
"The Student Housing Channel is experiencing intermittent outages. We are working on the problem. Please try back later. Thank you for your patience. "
...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bit of astronomy newsstuff...? + Zoids
■ Farewell, Pluto: BLOG: SciAm Observations
Background-ish stuff?
■ And Then There Were Twelve: BLOG: SciAm Observations
Article from the Washington Post:
■ Pluto Is No Longer a Planet, Astronomers Say
Anyway, heard it through the Chinese radio noon news section and saw link in the SciAm RSS. It seems kinda strange to kill off Pluto now oO; Hrm.
On another note...I wouldn't know if toonami's showing Zoids/Zero again (since I haven't watched much TV since 1-2 years ago and no longer have RCN after we cut off their internet service), but watching a random, unsubbed episode of Zoids Genesis piped my interest again.
First was Zoids/Shinseki Zero on Toonami, then I got excited about Zoids Chaotic Century (which is the series before Zero, actually). Don't remember if I saw the whole series but prob'ly saw the end. Toonami mushed it up with Guardian Force (CC's sequel) anyway. I'm pretty sure I saw some of that too, but must have skipped out on the middle bit. (only remembers squabbling over the Raven bits and laughing over Thomas Richard Schubaltz...poor guy, really. I'd totally ship Schubaltz/Fiona if only out of pity for him XD) I was a PTSD Raven fangirl for a while after the series ended too. I prefered Shadow and the Geno Breaker (Raven's) over Zeke and the Blade Liger anyway...ANYWAY, I remember bits about the end to GF and whining about how Raven is not actually dead, so I must have watched it.
After a long while I discovered Zoids Fuzors on some Azn channel (that's what they were actually called;;;;) on saturday, but it looked kinda boring, so I didn't hunt down its schedule or watch it again. And a few days ago a raw Zoids Genesis episode caught my eye. Decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. Didn't like it because it was super different from CC/GF/Zero and looks much cornier because they all look like 8-yr-olds going into war. Like the dragonball series, all the power-ups/modifications just got ridiculous, with the 'BioZoids' and different time-limited modes (reminded me of KH2)...so the Zoids/Zero fangirl resurfaced.
Wikipedia is lovely in helping me with taming the maniac(otaku) from within, btw.
Oops. Ranted.
Btw, noticed the new dictionary.com look.
Background-ish stuff?
■ And Then There Were Twelve: BLOG: SciAm Observations
Article from the Washington Post:
■ Pluto Is No Longer a Planet, Astronomers Say
Anyway, heard it through the Chinese radio noon news section and saw link in the SciAm RSS. It seems kinda strange to kill off Pluto now oO; Hrm.
On another note...I wouldn't know if toonami's showing Zoids/Zero again (since I haven't watched much TV since 1-2 years ago and no longer have RCN after we cut off their internet service), but watching a random, unsubbed episode of Zoids Genesis piped my interest again.
After a long while I discovered Zoids Fuzors on some Azn channel (that's what they were actually called;;;;) on saturday, but it looked kinda boring, so I didn't hunt down its schedule or watch it again. And a few days ago a raw Zoids Genesis episode caught my eye. Decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. Didn't like it because it was super different from CC/GF/Zero and looks much cornier because they all look like 8-yr-olds going into war. Like the dragonball series, all the power-ups/modifications just got ridiculous, with the 'BioZoids' and different time-limited modes (reminded me of KH2)...so the Zoids/Zero fangirl resurfaced.
Wikipedia is lovely in helping me with taming the maniac(otaku) from within, btw.
Oops. Ranted.
Btw, noticed the new dictionary.com look.
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