For three years and 364 days this place has been an all-understanding dummy of an outlet for everything I have not said, should have said, and would not have said. Through the years blogger has changed and grew (and taken over by Google); I have changed and grew and experienced and understood (and seduced by Google).
I came to understand much about myself, from both looking back at my old, angsty, childish, crazy entries and just from "thinking out loud" like this. What struck me recently is the big difference between keeping something as a draft, safe from public eyes, and published rants that nobody should care about. Pushing the "publish" button releases me from anything that were bubbling inside, no matter its content and emotion hidden beneath. Keeping a draft lacks that release, because I have not said everything, because there is still an unfinished thought, a promise to finish. It is not a burden released. It is not something I have let go, put down, got over (or not), said something about.
It was a rather...freeing experience that I feel I cannot accomplish through this archive alone anymore. The promise, the goal, that I made when I began this thing is something I cannot hold up any longer. Too many things that begs to be said cannot be said here anymore, because I have become less physically, emotionally isolated from others; no longer is there a buffer zone called home between me, what I write, and those who read it.
Everything has become heavier.
ETA: Come to think of it, perhaps this is why I no longer find Kakeru to be a suitable name anymore. It has become a spot on the enormous internet where I spout a little of my own words, leave a little mark, rather than a place to free myself from me. I can't free myself anymore. Maybe the Buddhists were onto something when they spoke of the things one must be disconnected from...
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