Not a month since this 'higher education' thing started and I've already got two, no, three new CDs. Bernice doesn't usually buy CDs. Free noon concerts are to be blamed. Last Tuesday was "folk guitarist" Joe Hickerson and today was guitarist Brandon Yip. Hmm...and in between scavenged Japan for Sale from the library.
The first two CDs doesn't do the music justice compared to the concert. Especially the Hickerson one, where the audience participates by singing the chorus. Sounded better than the CD version, I daresay. But it might've just been the acoustics though. Yip's is not as good in CD, either. =\ I guess now I know why people go to concerts. Oh, I just noticed another reason. The CD I got was recorded 10 years ago. His skills probably improved during the years.
____________________
We got back from the noon concert (Psych midterm was just before that) and I noticed how my t-shirt seemed larger than before. I washed/dried this particular shirt in our dorm's laundry. Amy then commented that her robotics shirt seemed smalled than before. We questioned the strangeness of the dryer. (Dietary, exercise, and habitual changes probably played a factor, too)
Speaking of food, I'm eating much less healthily now. My nails have become more brittle than it used to be...which makes me rather unhappy because I am (was) proud of my nails-that-don't-break. Gah.
I should go study for tomorrow's Calculus for BioSci and Med midterm. Bright and early at 08:00. (dies)
19 October 2006
18 October 2006
Ammonium nitrate love?
Mushroom, Mold, and Society (SAS030) midterm today. I don't think I did as well as I could've.
As much as I whi—ined and complained about the Chem lab last night, it really wasn't so bad. In fact, it was kinda fun. Or maybe last week's "measuring the density of water" is just too borning. Anyway, had to mix a few metal salts and acids/bases and make observations then figure out what's in one of the 'mystery chemicals'. The people who planned the lab even tried to get us more involved by trying to make up a background story too, even if it's only, "...you'll be analyzining an unknow compound left at the scene of the crime."
Hmm...I can still smell the ammonium nitrate. (Finished lab ~15:30)
Time to study for Psychology Research Methods (PSC041) now...Oh, and have to write for SAS030 Honors discussion too...
As much as I whi—ined and complained about the Chem lab last night, it really wasn't so bad. In fact, it was kinda fun. Or maybe last week's "measuring the density of water" is just too borning. Anyway, had to mix a few metal salts and acids/bases and make observations then figure out what's in one of the 'mystery chemicals'. The people who planned the lab even tried to get us more involved by trying to make up a background story too, even if it's only, "...you'll be analyzining an unknow compound left at the scene of the crime."
Hmm...I can still smell the ammonium nitrate. (Finished lab ~15:30)
Time to study for Psychology Research Methods (PSC041) now...Oh, and have to write for SAS030 Honors discussion too...
13 October 2006
Home without family.
I'm home. Took 3 and a half hours, three modes of transportation, and three transfers to return, but I'm here. I've 'returned', as Japanese language would suggest.
But returning to a home without people feels strange. Granted, the cat seemed to be rather excited to have the remote possibility of freedom (after giving me a small lick on the nose as a greeting), and Aunt seems interested in hearing about how I got back (I surprised her by calling after I went to Amy's for dinner).
Everything is there and is familiar, but it doesn't feel quite right. I guess people are right when they say they've returned 'home' when they are with someone they adore.
I'm tired. This higher education thing is tiring. Biking to every class is tiring. having to deal with your own daily stuff is tiring. Not being able to just let go is tiring.
Maybe I just had to run around too much. The weekend after I moved in I returned home to deal with the phone. The week after I did not, but went to Sacramento to deal with the same issue. It's finally solved, but it might've taken a higher toll on me than I think. New environment, persisting problem, new daily routine, missing home, monthly hemorrhage, heavier workload...
Looking far ahead makes me think of the long road, the limited time, the far goal, and "how the hell will I be able to fit everything together," and looking at my near future makes me worried, over-loaded, and "crap I'm not keeping up."
Oh, another strange thing. I have the privacy of a whole house instead of a room. Such a big difference with the dormitories. Having been possessing my own room for more than 12 years, the lack of solitude and having to accommodate a lot might be sapping my energy too.
Oh, did I mention I got sick too? Whether that added to the stress or is the manifestation of the stress, though, is up for debate.
This change has thrown me back into confusion that I've tried to wade out of for a year. That's why I kept saying I'm unsettled. I seemed to have lost whatever place I had mentally placed myself that has kept me rather happy for the summer months. Maybe that 'place' is actually just somewhere I escaped to, to avoid thinking about it.
I'm tired.
But returning to a home without people feels strange. Granted, the cat seemed to be rather excited to have the remote possibility of freedom (after giving me a small lick on the nose as a greeting), and Aunt seems interested in hearing about how I got back (I surprised her by calling after I went to Amy's for dinner).
Everything is there and is familiar, but it doesn't feel quite right. I guess people are right when they say they've returned 'home' when they are with someone they adore.
I'm tired. This higher education thing is tiring. Biking to every class is tiring. having to deal with your own daily stuff is tiring. Not being able to just let go is tiring.
Maybe I just had to run around too much. The weekend after I moved in I returned home to deal with the phone. The week after I did not, but went to Sacramento to deal with the same issue. It's finally solved, but it might've taken a higher toll on me than I think. New environment, persisting problem, new daily routine, missing home, monthly hemorrhage, heavier workload...
Looking far ahead makes me think of the long road, the limited time, the far goal, and "how the hell will I be able to fit everything together," and looking at my near future makes me worried, over-loaded, and "crap I'm not keeping up."
Oh, another strange thing. I have the privacy of a whole house instead of a room. Such a big difference with the dormitories. Having been possessing my own room for more than 12 years, the lack of solitude and having to accommodate a lot might be sapping my energy too.
Oh, did I mention I got sick too? Whether that added to the stress or is the manifestation of the stress, though, is up for debate.
This change has thrown me back into confusion that I've tried to wade out of for a year. That's why I kept saying I'm unsettled. I seemed to have lost whatever place I had mentally placed myself that has kept me rather happy for the summer months. Maybe that 'place' is actually just somewhere I escaped to, to avoid thinking about it.
I'm tired.
06 October 2006
Sometimes
Sometimes, there are things that must be done, despite any unwillingness.
Taking 2 bloody hours of public transportation to Northwest of downtown Sacramento, 18 miles away, is one of them.
I know I can get home in that time, even, but going home to an empty house won't fucking help. Phone will still be dead, the indirect dealers will still push the responsibility around, the Verison folks will still not fix anything, and I still won't know whether the phone will work until I come back. At least, in here, I can get some sympathy points for being young, away from home and convenient transportation. Maybe.
I don't like the number of unknown variable in this. I don't like how stranded and helpless I may become if I get lost.
Yes I'm fucking scared of getting lost alone. Yes I'm scared of not having backup, not having support. Yes I'm still a very dependent child with no hope of "moving out" any time soon.
But this is only the end of the second week. Only the end of first week of instruction. Maybe I won't feel like I'm in camp in a bit. Maybe I'll feel more involvement in a while. Maybe I'll feel more comfortable outside our room soon. Maybe...
I'm ill-adapted to change.
Taking 2 bloody hours of public transportation to Northwest of downtown Sacramento, 18 miles away, is one of them.
I know I can get home in that time, even, but going home to an empty house won't fucking help. Phone will still be dead, the indirect dealers will still push the responsibility around, the Verison folks will still not fix anything, and I still won't know whether the phone will work until I come back. At least, in here, I can get some sympathy points for being young, away from home and convenient transportation. Maybe.
I don't like the number of unknown variable in this. I don't like how stranded and helpless I may become if I get lost.
Yes I'm fucking scared of getting lost alone. Yes I'm scared of not having backup, not having support. Yes I'm still a very dependent child with no hope of "moving out" any time soon.
But this is only the end of the second week. Only the end of first week of instruction. Maybe I won't feel like I'm in camp in a bit. Maybe I'll feel more involvement in a while. Maybe I'll feel more comfortable outside our room soon. Maybe...
I'm ill-adapted to change.
05 October 2006
Child
Parents have been on the plane for two hours now.
Last night, when I called my parents and they didn't pick up, my voice cracked on the 'voice email.'
Last night, when they picked up my call, I found myself sounding casual and not like the stuff that's stuck between my throat and my lungs.
I asked about the Verizon account. What's going on? Have you given me full access to the account? What should I do now?
Father said I sounded tired (it was 23:30). I said yes. I said I can stay up a bit later, but I do want to sleep. Yes I want to sleep, but I'm not as tired as I sound. I'm unhappy that you two will be leaving me and afraid of going out to Sacramento to deal with this on my own.
We said goodbyes and I hurriedly wish them a safe trip, have fun, be careful. Father cracked jokes about being watchful like a toad. Did he notice? I said, "yeah, yeah, alright. Bye, and write back when you can."
Don't go, don't leave me behind, I don't want to be alone. Don't do something without me. Don't leave.
I sounded tired (weak). I said goodnight to Amy, crawed into bed, curled up on my side facing the wall like I always do, and my eyes got wet.
Then I took a shuddering breth, not being able to breath.
Then I wanted to shake and cry.
I took a slow breath.
Closed my eyes.
Missed.
Last night, when I called my parents and they didn't pick up, my voice cracked on the 'voice email.'
Last night, when they picked up my call, I found myself sounding casual and not like the stuff that's stuck between my throat and my lungs.
I asked about the Verizon account. What's going on? Have you given me full access to the account? What should I do now?
Father said I sounded tired (it was 23:30). I said yes. I said I can stay up a bit later, but I do want to sleep. Yes I want to sleep, but I'm not as tired as I sound. I'm unhappy that you two will be leaving me and afraid of going out to Sacramento to deal with this on my own.
We said goodbyes and I hurriedly wish them a safe trip, have fun, be careful. Father cracked jokes about being watchful like a toad. Did he notice? I said, "yeah, yeah, alright. Bye, and write back when you can."
Don't go, don't leave me behind, I don't want to be alone. Don't do something without me. Don't leave.
I sounded tired (weak). I said goodnight to Amy, crawed into bed, curled up on my side facing the wall like I always do, and my eyes got wet.
Then I took a shuddering breth, not being able to breath.
Then I wanted to shake and cry.
I took a slow breath.
Closed my eyes.
Missed.
03 October 2006
I hate everything right now.
pinkRAZR > defective > went home for an exchange over the weekend (Friday-Sunday) > went to the Authorized Agents's > told to go to a Verizon retail store > Retail store calls the Authorized Agent's and told them 'WTF! Your responsibility!' > told us to go back > went back to trade for a new silverRAZR > calls/reception/battery OK > charged it all night > [interlude] > went back to Davis > phone woke me up at 5:30, screaming "I'M DYING!" > plugged it in and found no service (again!) > called home next day > went to Davis' AuthAgen > referred to Sacramento main store > more calls home to see what the hell I should do > today called main store > found that I can't even go ask for frigging technical help or anything because the account is not 'mine' > asked dad to give me full access abilities on VeriWire.com > phone died around 15:30 (unplugged from battery this morning around 07:30)
I fucking hate this. Nothing went well yesterday. Well, I lie. Just too many things that didn't go the way it should. I don't even feel like elaborating because I've essentially repeated this to parents, amy, and the Verizon store people many, many times, and will still need to.
Please, I'm not rich. And it's not my fault that the Chem+psyc41 book changed version this year and the Calc book STILL HASN"T ARRIVED.
I hate everything right now.
I don't want this. Never wanted this. THIS. I REALLY DON"T WANT IT NOW. I WANT TO GO BACK 2 weeks, one month, three months, one year, two years, 17 years....
If I had some space and room and a bigger closet, I'd go cry. I almost did. I feel fat and streched thin.
I fucking hate this. Nothing went well yesterday. Well, I lie. Just too many things that didn't go the way it should. I don't even feel like elaborating because I've essentially repeated this to parents, amy, and the Verizon store people many, many times, and will still need to.
Please, I'm not rich. And it's not my fault that the Chem+psyc41 book changed version this year and the Calc book STILL HASN"T ARRIVED.
I hate everything right now.
I don't want this. Never wanted this. THIS. I REALLY DON"T WANT IT NOW. I WANT TO GO BACK 2 weeks, one month, three months, one year, two years, 17 years....
If I had some space and room and a bigger closet, I'd go cry. I almost did. I feel fat and streched thin.
25 September 2006
Half a Day After Moving In
The textbooks should be billed by october ($513.94)...and the housing payments are due in a few days. My arms hurt from carrying the textbooks back from the bookstore X\
The phone still doesn't have any reception...!
Almost done unpacking. I just need to wipe the drawers and put clothes in there. I want a place near my desk to put books in, but I don't know what to do...right now the textbooks are in the bottom drawer. We laid out the carpets last night, but haven't taped them together yet.
There are mostly orientation stuff today, and I plan to take some resource tours and go to academic advising today through Wednesday. Umm...not having something to plan my day seems a little incovenient right about now. Haha, a PDA seems like a good idea now, though a computer would suffice.
Amy's still not awake. Well, too bad, because I'm not gonna sit here and wait for her to wake up before I go anywhere.
Uhh...I think I need a bit more sleep than 6.5 hours. I didn't even sleep soundly last night.
The phone still doesn't have any reception...!
Almost done unpacking. I just need to wipe the drawers and put clothes in there. I want a place near my desk to put books in, but I don't know what to do...right now the textbooks are in the bottom drawer. We laid out the carpets last night, but haven't taped them together yet.
There are mostly orientation stuff today, and I plan to take some resource tours and go to academic advising today through Wednesday. Umm...not having something to plan my day seems a little incovenient right about now. Haha, a PDA seems like a good idea now, though a computer would suffice.
Amy's still not awake. Well, too bad, because I'm not gonna sit here and wait for her to wake up before I go anywhere.
Uhh...I think I need a bit more sleep than 6.5 hours. I didn't even sleep soundly last night.
20 September 2006
Hello, World.
I feel restless,
but I'm not cleaning
and packing?
Just found another downside to Blogger beta: no BlogThis function. Maybe I need to update the plugin or something.
Restless.
Restless.
Pace the private "living" room.
Pace the family living room.
Pace the house.
Looks for the cat.
Pace.
Pace.
Restless.
Restless.
Tired.
Confused?
Overwhelmed?
Restless.
Biked in circles today afternoon.
Must do that again.
Must Clean.
Must Pack.
Doing neither.
Restless.
Wander.
Got a new phone. *pink* RAZR V3m.
Incompetent representatives.
Wasted an hour, waiting.
Defective phone.
Stupid phone that can't connect with other phones. Even with bluetooth.
Cheaters.
Worse than my Ericsson T616.
Unsatisfied.
Phone numbers messed up.
...
I don't think I can say I'm 'happy' at this moment.
I think I'm kinda numb.
I think I'm kinda scared.
I think I don't want to go.
I feel like I'm stuck in something.
Am I still trying to go in circles, thinking it'd be alright if I pretend to not see the street just off to the side? Not see the world outside?
Stuck.
Restless.
but I'm not cleaning
and packing?
Just found another downside to Blogger beta: no BlogThis function. Maybe I need to update the plugin or something.
Restless.
Restless.
Pace the private "living" room.
Pace the family living room.
Pace the house.
Looks for the cat.
Pace.
Pace.
Restless.
Restless.
Tired.
Confused?
Overwhelmed?
Restless.
Biked in circles today afternoon.
Must do that again.
Must Clean.
Must Pack.
Doing neither.
Restless.
Wander.
Got a new phone. *pink* RAZR V3m.
Incompetent representatives.
Wasted an hour, waiting.
Defective phone.
Stupid phone that can't connect with other phones. Even with bluetooth.
Cheaters.
Worse than my Ericsson T616.
Unsatisfied.
Phone numbers messed up.
...
I don't think I can say I'm 'happy' at this moment.
I think I'm kinda numb.
I think I'm kinda scared.
I think I don't want to go.
I feel like I'm stuck in something.
Am I still trying to go in circles, thinking it'd be alright if I pretend to not see the street just off to the side? Not see the world outside?
Stuck.
Restless.
18 September 2006
Re: Pocket Monster: Advance Generation
oO; I wasn't serious about the last post, but thanks for caring, guys XD
17 September 2006
Pocket Monsters: Advanced Generation
For one reason or another, I downloaded and watched the last two episodes of Pokemon: AG. Since the Orange League episodes, I haven't paid much attention to Pokemon, so watching it again is...I guess rather fun. And here are the comments (+screenshots + spoilers!) of the last episode of PokeAG.
I already knew about Haruka (May) in AG. Well, I think she's the female character in...Crystal? Anyway, after seeing Pokemon: Diamond & Pearl's preview, it seems that Satoshi is meeting more and more feminine girls, haha.
My first point of interest: the Rockets seemed to have developed a tolerance against electricity. How can they not, after being shocked out of screen in half of the episodes?
Okay, fine. I admit that the only reason I downloaded this episode after seeing the previous one (which was downloaded out of curiosity) was because of Shigeru (Gary) (Insert slight fangirling here). I'm rather suprised by his rather soft voice though. Perhaps I'm just used to the horrid American dub one. Actually, most voices are done by female voice actors (incl Satoshi (Ash) and Shigeru)...But the point of this screenshot is their height. Though their height don't seem to be any different than say, the very beginning of Pokemon, they look relatively normal, right?!
So why do Shige+Sato still look like shrimps next to the adults?! Do they not AGE? I mean, really, after four-hundred-and-sixty odd episodes and travelling four to 5 countries, it can't just have been a year or something, right?! There are more episodes than days in a year! WHY DO THEY STILL LOOK NOT A DAY OVER 10?! Do they have some sort of dwarf gene or delayed growth spurt gene or something in them? Satoshi's mom x drawf = OTP?! Or, Prof. Oak x dwarf = OTP??!?!?! (is rather disturbed)
(Thinks about Gary's lack of parents, Gary and Hanako's hair color, Gary & Ash's dwarfness, their age, their "rivalry"...and arrives at something eerily similar to Korean drama plot)
But, aw, how cute, Gary goes back to town (refusing to battle with Ash with the excuse that his pokemon (previous screen shot) ran out of energy after shocking the Rockets) to tell everyone Ash's comming back so they can suprise him. (slash gears turns) Wait, but he already called ahead, so he's really trying to welcome him before everybody else!
Furthermore, he comes back to Pallet,
pwns Ash with his shiny new Pokemon,
tells him about being humble and the big, big world (of Pokemon) out there,
...and goes back to whatever he was doing in Shin'ou. (He doesn't that kind of free time [to stay awhile] and there are lots he has to do, he says.) Did he go back to Pallet just to see Ash? LoL. I think Kasumi (Misty) welcomed him home the last time he went back...is there a connection here (rival or otherwise)?!
Either that, or Shigeru is thinking "damn, I was used as a plot device again" right then.
Then Ash decides to run off to Shin'ou the next day after Gary <3 (is not seriously being a shipper here, guys.)
Seem like he'll manage to get Brock to cook/clean/care for his Pokemon for him again next series, too. I kinda want to see that now. If just for the Shigeru-love.
Anyway. Wow. Another loong post, though it's the opposite of last post, haha.
I already knew about Haruka (May) in AG. Well, I think she's the female character in...Crystal? Anyway, after seeing Pokemon: Diamond & Pearl's preview, it seems that Satoshi is meeting more and more feminine girls, haha.
My first point of interest: the Rockets seemed to have developed a tolerance against electricity. How can they not, after being shocked out of screen in half of the episodes?
Okay, fine. I admit that the only reason I downloaded this episode after seeing the previous one (which was downloaded out of curiosity) was because of Shigeru (Gary) (Insert slight fangirling here). I'm rather suprised by his rather soft voice though. Perhaps I'm just used to the horrid American dub one. Actually, most voices are done by female voice actors (incl Satoshi (Ash) and Shigeru)...But the point of this screenshot is their height. Though their height don't seem to be any different than say, the very beginning of Pokemon, they look relatively normal, right?!
So why do Shige+Sato still look like shrimps next to the adults?! Do they not AGE? I mean, really, after four-hundred-and-sixty odd episodes and travelling four to 5 countries, it can't just have been a year or something, right?! There are more episodes than days in a year! WHY DO THEY STILL LOOK NOT A DAY OVER 10?! Do they have some sort of dwarf gene or delayed growth spurt gene or something in them? Satoshi's mom x drawf = OTP?! Or, Prof. Oak x dwarf = OTP??!?!?! (is rather disturbed)
(Thinks about Gary's lack of parents, Gary and Hanako's hair color, Gary & Ash's dwarfness, their age, their "rivalry"...and arrives at something eerily similar to Korean drama plot)
But, aw, how cute, Gary goes back to town (refusing to battle with Ash with the excuse that his pokemon (previous screen shot) ran out of energy after shocking the Rockets) to tell everyone Ash's comming back so they can suprise him. (slash gears turns) Wait, but he already called ahead, so he's really trying to welcome him before everybody else!
Furthermore, he comes back to Pallet,
pwns Ash with his shiny new Pokemon,
tells him about being humble and the big, big world (of Pokemon) out there,
...and goes back to whatever he was doing in Shin'ou. (He doesn't that kind of free time [to stay awhile] and there are lots he has to do, he says.) Did he go back to Pallet just to see Ash? LoL. I think Kasumi (Misty) welcomed him home the last time he went back...is there a connection here (rival or otherwise)?!
Either that, or Shigeru is thinking "damn, I was used as a plot device again" right then.
Then Ash decides to run off to Shin'ou the next day after Gary <3 (is not seriously being a shipper here, guys.)
Seem like he'll manage to get Brock to cook/clean/care for his Pokemon for him again next series, too. I kinda want to see that now. If just for the Shigeru-love.
Anyway. Wow. Another loong post, though it's the opposite of last post, haha.
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