Home without family.

I'm home. Took 3 and a half hours, three modes of transportation, and three transfers to return, but I'm here. I've 'returned', as Japanese language would suggest.

But returning to a home without people feels strange. Granted, the cat seemed to be rather excited to have the remote possibility of freedom (after giving me a small lick on the nose as a greeting), and Aunt seems interested in hearing about how I got back (I surprised her by calling after I went to Amy's for dinner).

Everything is there and is familiar, but it doesn't feel quite right. I guess people are right when they say they've returned 'home' when they are with someone they adore.

I'm tired. This higher education thing is tiring. Biking to every class is tiring. having to deal with your own daily stuff is tiring. Not being able to just let go is tiring.

Maybe I just had to run around too much. The weekend after I moved in I returned home to deal with the phone. The week after I did not, but went to Sacramento to deal with the same issue. It's finally solved, but it might've taken a higher toll on me than I think. New environment, persisting problem, new daily routine, missing home, monthly hemorrhage, heavier workload...

Looking far ahead makes me think of the long road, the limited time, the far goal, and "how the hell will I be able to fit everything together," and looking at my near future makes me worried, over-loaded, and "crap I'm not keeping up."

Oh, another strange thing. I have the privacy of a whole house instead of a room. Such a big difference with the dormitories. Having been possessing my own room for more than 12 years, the lack of solitude and having to accommodate a lot might be sapping my energy too.

Oh, did I mention I got sick too? Whether that added to the stress or is the manifestation of the stress, though, is up for debate.

This change has thrown me back into confusion that I've tried to wade out of for a year. That's why I kept saying I'm unsettled. I seemed to have lost whatever place I had mentally placed myself that has kept me rather happy for the summer months. Maybe that 'place' is actually just somewhere I escaped to, to avoid thinking about it.

I'm tired.