23 October 2006
Never A Dull Day For PcBY
...That was the title I had when I planned to write today. Amy, in her recent post, said that school's been unevenful and so routine. Contrarily, I seemed to find enough to post all last week. It could be because I just didn't want to study for midterms, but I had things to say. Well, I guess that's not too difficult to being with. I suppose the difference is in the frame of mind and...what actually did happen. Yes, school is not that different and not difficult to adjust to, but many things did happen that is new, interesting...and need to be let out of my system. But maybe it's just me being easily interested.
This is my place to speak without being too afraid of being uninteresting. Or too random. Or too scary. Or too emo. (wait. Nevermind on that. That's already done.)
Last night was supposed to be uneventful. Amy went out to explore the Sacramento airport, while I stayed in the room to study for the Chem midterm (the last one for the moment). First day of vegan/vegetarian diet, but I've been doing that for years. Boiled noodles and cooked vegetables for myself, but that's been done the night before too. (By the way, there weren't nearly as many aphides on the bokchoy as the package from the night before.)
Amy came back around 21:00 (21:30?) and bought cup ramen from RiteAid. Cleaned the casseroll dish for me and used it to boil water for the ramen. After a while she ran in, told me she poured boiling water on her feet, and went to the bathroom. Maybe I should've warned her about spiling, since I did get a bit on me when I tried to pour hot water a little earlier. So after checking that she's okay, I went back into the room to find the first aid kit. And guess what I did. I panicked. I completely forgot that I put it on the shelf next to the door and went rumaging my closet, drawers, etc, etc for the box, even thinking that I might've left it behind at home. Yeah, so much for being cool-headed.
I found creme for burns and non-stick pads, but no gauze pads, gauze rolls, or cloth tape. Basically what we have left after the cat healed. So I ran around the floor (okay, just on my side of the building) and looked for these things. People tried to be helpful and was caring, I'm glad to find.
Today she didn't go to class (MUS010) and was still asleep a couple of hours after noon.
In the meanwhile, I got my Calc midterm back (98/100, 115 pts possible), learned about bread and wine and cheese, and failed my Chem midterm (not in the joking way).
I should mention that my computer had been acting strangely for the past few days. I couldn't find any viruses, but sometimes it would turn on by itself in the middle of the night after I've turned it off, staying on until I wake up and hear its whirl. It happened again last night, keyboard lights flashing spasmodically and hard drive making chuggling noises. I turned off the UPS and unplugged the ethernet cable before I slept.
This morning I plugged the power back in and tried to see if it still has problems, and found that I couldn't even turn it on. After classes I took the cover off the tower and checked for loose cables and such...and when that didn't work, I called Father. After wishing him happy birthday, you're one year older, and such. Checked a few more things and he said the power supply for the computer must've burnt out. (eMachines' tend to do that often, he said.)
SOOOOO. No computer until Sunday. Awesome. I'll be going home this weekend (through Davis-Berkeley shuttle, yay!), so I guess a new computer part is another thing I can look forward to.
Went to TAPS to get the shuttle ticket, and walked ~40min to The Marketplace when I could've taken paid public transportation. At least I took Unitrans back. And at least I have a good idea of some of the area north of UCD now. I like walking; gives me a sense of where things are. I don't notice as much on bikes or buses...well, I'm mostly trying not to crash and get to some place as soon as possible when I'm on a bike...
Bought gauze pads, a gauze roll, and a roll of cloth tape. Used my credit card the first time (MUST REMEMBER TO PAY THE BILLS). Went to safeway to buy Melba toast for the goat cheese I bought last weekend, also got two tiny pumpkins that I don't know what to do with. Decided the "vegetarian food" at DC not only has entirely too much oil, but is making me feel sick. Thus I bought a strawberry whirl (yay for trying new food) and will be having that for dinner.
Got back, gave the model # for the power supply to Father, went to Cowell with Amy, came to Hutchinson's, got a bit lost trying to find the computer lab, and here I am, spending more time than I should ranting about insignificant details of my day. Not the worst day, but getting there.
I'm really trying to have vegan diet for 9 days. Father said I shouldn't though, since I have school, and I don't have the greatest selection of foods here. Eat eggs and milk products like you have been previous years, he said. He laughed when I said I'll go on the diet as well on Saturday, when they got back from their trip.
Oh well. The cheese will have to be eaten.
Too much oil makes me sick. It's an uncomfortable weight in my stomach that wouldn't go away.
Mother called around 12:30 to see how I was doing. I was frustrated at the computer and thus was unkind and impatient when we talked. I feel guilty now. Father was...so business-like. "Okay, I'll see if I can get the power supply for you. Goodbye." -__-;
As I was walking to Albertson's (though I didn't see any Albertsons and ended up in Safeway), I talked to myself in a cheerily sacrastic tone. Oh yes, just a brilliant day today. I wonder if it's going to get better? No, I'm not pissed, no, no, not at all. A warm sun and failing chem. What more could I ask for? Ah, I hope it won't get any colder when they turn on the central heating system on the 26th. It's not warm enough until it feels like an oven. I briefly considered talking to others this way, but decided I don't need to get other people irritated too.
Meh. I have a writing assignment (w/ internet reserch!) due Thursay. Sounds like a good time to spend an obscene amount of time in the computer lab sometime soon...
I can't wait until Friday. Really. Not only because will I be done with this hellish week without my own computer, but because I is going to have dinner with Larry, Elton, Mayo, and maybe other people too. Yay.
My phone is running out of battery again. GARH, RAZRs use too much battery....
This is my place to speak without being too afraid of being uninteresting. Or too random. Or too scary. Or too emo. (wait. Nevermind on that. That's already done.)
Last night was supposed to be uneventful. Amy went out to explore the Sacramento airport, while I stayed in the room to study for the Chem midterm (the last one for the moment). First day of vegan/vegetarian diet, but I've been doing that for years. Boiled noodles and cooked vegetables for myself, but that's been done the night before too. (By the way, there weren't nearly as many aphides on the bokchoy as the package from the night before.)
Amy came back around 21:00 (21:30?) and bought cup ramen from RiteAid. Cleaned the casseroll dish for me and used it to boil water for the ramen. After a while she ran in, told me she poured boiling water on her feet, and went to the bathroom. Maybe I should've warned her about spiling, since I did get a bit on me when I tried to pour hot water a little earlier. So after checking that she's okay, I went back into the room to find the first aid kit. And guess what I did. I panicked. I completely forgot that I put it on the shelf next to the door and went rumaging my closet, drawers, etc, etc for the box, even thinking that I might've left it behind at home. Yeah, so much for being cool-headed.
I found creme for burns and non-stick pads, but no gauze pads, gauze rolls, or cloth tape. Basically what we have left after the cat healed. So I ran around the floor (okay, just on my side of the building) and looked for these things. People tried to be helpful and was caring, I'm glad to find.
Today she didn't go to class (MUS010) and was still asleep a couple of hours after noon.
In the meanwhile, I got my Calc midterm back (98/100, 115 pts possible), learned about bread and wine and cheese, and failed my Chem midterm (not in the joking way).
I should mention that my computer had been acting strangely for the past few days. I couldn't find any viruses, but sometimes it would turn on by itself in the middle of the night after I've turned it off, staying on until I wake up and hear its whirl. It happened again last night, keyboard lights flashing spasmodically and hard drive making chuggling noises. I turned off the UPS and unplugged the ethernet cable before I slept.
This morning I plugged the power back in and tried to see if it still has problems, and found that I couldn't even turn it on. After classes I took the cover off the tower and checked for loose cables and such...and when that didn't work, I called Father. After wishing him happy birthday, you're one year older, and such. Checked a few more things and he said the power supply for the computer must've burnt out. (eMachines' tend to do that often, he said.)
SOOOOO. No computer until Sunday. Awesome. I'll be going home this weekend (through Davis-Berkeley shuttle, yay!), so I guess a new computer part is another thing I can look forward to.
Went to TAPS to get the shuttle ticket, and walked ~40min to The Marketplace when I could've taken paid public transportation. At least I took Unitrans back. And at least I have a good idea of some of the area north of UCD now. I like walking; gives me a sense of where things are. I don't notice as much on bikes or buses...well, I'm mostly trying not to crash and get to some place as soon as possible when I'm on a bike...
Bought gauze pads, a gauze roll, and a roll of cloth tape. Used my credit card the first time (MUST REMEMBER TO PAY THE BILLS). Went to safeway to buy Melba toast for the goat cheese I bought last weekend, also got two tiny pumpkins that I don't know what to do with. Decided the "vegetarian food" at DC not only has entirely too much oil, but is making me feel sick. Thus I bought a strawberry whirl (yay for trying new food) and will be having that for dinner.
Got back, gave the model # for the power supply to Father, went to Cowell with Amy, came to Hutchinson's, got a bit lost trying to find the computer lab, and here I am, spending more time than I should ranting about insignificant details of my day. Not the worst day, but getting there.
I'm really trying to have vegan diet for 9 days. Father said I shouldn't though, since I have school, and I don't have the greatest selection of foods here. Eat eggs and milk products like you have been previous years, he said. He laughed when I said I'll go on the diet as well on Saturday, when they got back from their trip.
Oh well. The cheese will have to be eaten.
Too much oil makes me sick. It's an uncomfortable weight in my stomach that wouldn't go away.
Mother called around 12:30 to see how I was doing. I was frustrated at the computer and thus was unkind and impatient when we talked. I feel guilty now. Father was...so business-like. "Okay, I'll see if I can get the power supply for you. Goodbye." -__-;
As I was walking to Albertson's (though I didn't see any Albertsons and ended up in Safeway), I talked to myself in a cheerily sacrastic tone. Oh yes, just a brilliant day today. I wonder if it's going to get better? No, I'm not pissed, no, no, not at all. A warm sun and failing chem. What more could I ask for? Ah, I hope it won't get any colder when they turn on the central heating system on the 26th. It's not warm enough until it feels like an oven. I briefly considered talking to others this way, but decided I don't need to get other people irritated too.
Meh. I have a writing assignment (w/ internet reserch!) due Thursay. Sounds like a good time to spend an obscene amount of time in the computer lab sometime soon...
I can't wait until Friday. Really. Not only because will I be done with this hellish week without my own computer, but because I is going to have dinner with Larry, Elton, Mayo, and maybe other people too. Yay.
My phone is running out of battery again. GARH, RAZRs use too much battery....
21 October 2006
About Change and Fakeness. (and finally getting some sleep)
I woke not half an hour ago, haven't washed or eaten. Got a glorious twelve hours of sleep. Finally. These heavy curtains are wonderful.
This is what I spent my half hour on.
Hikaruyuki: The Fantasy
First, if her parents and mentors really did tell her what she relayed, then I have to disagree with them. "...Pick out all of the imperfections you've discovered about yourself ever since freshman year of high school, throw them away, and present a new 'you' to the world"? Not only is throwing out an imperfection more difficult than it sounds, "throwing out" is not quite the right world, isnt it? It sounds...so absolute. As if imperfections are just mud on your face that merely take some water and soap to clean. Yes, strive to be the perfect human who's the most caring, most humble, most friendly, most out-going, most reflective, most intelligent, most accepting, most thoughtful, most humourous, most...!
It doesn't sound natural.
I think...imperfections are like stains on an unbleached cotton t-shirt. The stain is what distinguishes one person from the next. You can be disgusted with it, but if it doesn't wash out (and it's not easy to, the longer you've had that stain), then what? Either try again and again until it fades to something unnoticible, dye the whole shirt into a different color to cover that ugly thing up, or accept it, maybe decorating and changing it into something of merit, and wear it with pride. Some people ignore it (or never even notice it) and probably more would just dye the whole shirt. Dyed shirts are not natural-looking. The other options take more energy, more time. Bleached shirts...well, yes, the stain is gone, but you look blindingly bright and untouchable. You'll probably be less touchable, too, afraid of getting any imperfect stains...
Speaking of shirts, I need to do laundry this weekend or soon.
"I'd like to go back to when I still had an identity. At least back then, I didn't feel like I was playing myself."
Identity, I thought, is who you think you are? Won't you always have an identity, which, in this case, only means that you don't like the mold you're trying to fit into?
I commented, but I'm a little afraid of any backlash. I don't know her well, or even in person, so maybe I shouldn't be saying anything. I often think that despite some of our similarities (that's how I started contacting her), we live in very different environments and have very different views...at least in the realm of social life. Correction: I have a different social life than most people.
tag "mind discovery," tag "philosophy," tag "weltanschauung," or others?
This is what I spent my half hour on.
Hikaruyuki: The Fantasy
First, if her parents and mentors really did tell her what she relayed, then I have to disagree with them. "...Pick out all of the imperfections you've discovered about yourself ever since freshman year of high school, throw them away, and present a new 'you' to the world"? Not only is throwing out an imperfection more difficult than it sounds, "throwing out" is not quite the right world, isnt it? It sounds...so absolute. As if imperfections are just mud on your face that merely take some water and soap to clean. Yes, strive to be the perfect human who's the most caring, most humble, most friendly, most out-going, most reflective, most intelligent, most accepting, most thoughtful, most humourous, most...!
It doesn't sound natural.
I think...imperfections are like stains on an unbleached cotton t-shirt. The stain is what distinguishes one person from the next. You can be disgusted with it, but if it doesn't wash out (and it's not easy to, the longer you've had that stain), then what? Either try again and again until it fades to something unnoticible, dye the whole shirt into a different color to cover that ugly thing up, or accept it, maybe decorating and changing it into something of merit, and wear it with pride. Some people ignore it (or never even notice it) and probably more would just dye the whole shirt. Dyed shirts are not natural-looking. The other options take more energy, more time. Bleached shirts...well, yes, the stain is gone, but you look blindingly bright and untouchable. You'll probably be less touchable, too, afraid of getting any imperfect stains...
Speaking of shirts, I need to do laundry this weekend or soon.
"I'd like to go back to when I still had an identity. At least back then, I didn't feel like I was playing myself."
Identity, I thought, is who you think you are? Won't you always have an identity, which, in this case, only means that you don't like the mold you're trying to fit into?
I commented, but I'm a little afraid of any backlash. I don't know her well, or even in person, so maybe I shouldn't be saying anything. I often think that despite some of our similarities (that's how I started contacting her), we live in very different environments and have very different views...at least in the realm of social life. Correction: I have a different social life than most people.
tag "mind discovery," tag "philosophy," tag "weltanschauung," or others?
20 October 2006
Bernice Is Emo Today.
Garris: (points to the black boots I was wearing) Emo shoes.
I: They're old and tattered.
Garris: That's what makes it emo.
I: (pulls pant legs up a bit) They're actually boots...that just makes them more emo, doesn't it?
Garris: yeah.
I: I'm wearing all black today too...
Garris: an with those wrist warmers...you're really not doing any good, you know.
I: haha.
(a bit later)
Garris: Let's see what emo Bernice is listening to. (takes iPod)
I: (gives an earplug)
Garris: "Half pain"? You're really emo today. (makes slicing motions) Soon you'll be slicing your wrist.
I: (laughing )yeah. (makes up-down slicing motions) Oops, I'll die that way. (slices across) That's better.
But I'm not as I appear today. Calc midterm was fine; didn't get to figure out the extra credit, but the exam was rather easy. Didn't even have epsilon/n proofs. We had a guest speaker—chair of Department of Food Sciences—who lectured on beer today. English (British) and very funny. Goes through information really quickly, but most are on slides anyway. Had much fun. Overall, not an emo day.
__________________
15:41 edit: ARGH. Went to get discounted watercolor pens at the blowout sale thing and the person at the register is INCOMPETENT! I bought a few of those brush/pen things, found ones with better tips, asked if I can just change the product, and she told me to buy these and return the ones I bought earlier. Went to the returns place, the girl there (who's probably new) had to get approval from the art department because some people return used supplies. The art department wouldn't pick up (because they're remodeling, as the person from the art department said later). Called a bunch more people and finally got someone to come. That person didn't recognize the pens, so she ran around trying to figure out if those are returnable. After at least half an hour since I asked for an exchange, I finally could to the cash register to get my money back.
The only good thing that came out of this whole thing is getting more money back than I paid. When the returns girl scanned the products in, they showed the list price but not the extra 50% off, so I got $10 back when I only paid $5 for them. At least it's compensation?
The person at the blowout sale thought she was completely blameless, too, which is the thing that made me most irritated. But if she were competent, she wouldn't be working here rather than in internships or something, right?
When Amy bought hers, one of the pens only got a $.50 (rather than 50%) discount, so that took a while to go through the same process too. At least the returns girl knew what to do then. =/
I: They're old and tattered.
Garris: That's what makes it emo.
I: (pulls pant legs up a bit) They're actually boots...that just makes them more emo, doesn't it?
Garris: yeah.
I: I'm wearing all black today too...
Garris: an with those wrist warmers...you're really not doing any good, you know.
I: haha.
(a bit later)
Garris: Let's see what emo Bernice is listening to. (takes iPod)
I: (gives an earplug)
Garris: "Half pain"? You're really emo today. (makes slicing motions) Soon you'll be slicing your wrist.
I: (laughing )yeah. (makes up-down slicing motions) Oops, I'll die that way. (slices across) That's better.
But I'm not as I appear today. Calc midterm was fine; didn't get to figure out the extra credit, but the exam was rather easy. Didn't even have epsilon/n proofs. We had a guest speaker—chair of Department of Food Sciences—who lectured on beer today. English (British) and very funny. Goes through information really quickly, but most are on slides anyway. Had much fun. Overall, not an emo day.
__________________
15:41 edit: ARGH. Went to get discounted watercolor pens at the blowout sale thing and the person at the register is INCOMPETENT! I bought a few of those brush/pen things, found ones with better tips, asked if I can just change the product, and she told me to buy these and return the ones I bought earlier. Went to the returns place, the girl there (who's probably new) had to get approval from the art department because some people return used supplies. The art department wouldn't pick up (because they're remodeling, as the person from the art department said later). Called a bunch more people and finally got someone to come. That person didn't recognize the pens, so she ran around trying to figure out if those are returnable. After at least half an hour since I asked for an exchange, I finally could to the cash register to get my money back.
The only good thing that came out of this whole thing is getting more money back than I paid. When the returns girl scanned the products in, they showed the list price but not the extra 50% off, so I got $10 back when I only paid $5 for them. At least it's compensation?
The person at the blowout sale thought she was completely blameless, too, which is the thing that made me most irritated. But if she were competent, she wouldn't be working here rather than in internships or something, right?
When Amy bought hers, one of the pens only got a $.50 (rather than 50%) discount, so that took a while to go through the same process too. At least the returns girl knew what to do then. =/
19 October 2006
CDs & Resized T-shrits
Not a month since this 'higher education' thing started and I've already got two, no, three new CDs. Bernice doesn't usually buy CDs. Free noon concerts are to be blamed. Last Tuesday was "folk guitarist" Joe Hickerson and today was guitarist Brandon Yip. Hmm...and in between scavenged Japan for Sale from the library.
The first two CDs doesn't do the music justice compared to the concert. Especially the Hickerson one, where the audience participates by singing the chorus. Sounded better than the CD version, I daresay. But it might've just been the acoustics though. Yip's is not as good in CD, either. =\ I guess now I know why people go to concerts. Oh, I just noticed another reason. The CD I got was recorded 10 years ago. His skills probably improved during the years.
____________________
We got back from the noon concert (Psych midterm was just before that) and I noticed how my t-shirt seemed larger than before. I washed/dried this particular shirt in our dorm's laundry. Amy then commented that her robotics shirt seemed smalled than before. We questioned the strangeness of the dryer. (Dietary, exercise, and habitual changes probably played a factor, too)
Speaking of food, I'm eating much less healthily now. My nails have become more brittle than it used to be...which makes me rather unhappy because I am (was) proud of my nails-that-don't-break. Gah.
I should go study for tomorrow's Calculus for BioSci and Med midterm. Bright and early at 08:00. (dies)
The first two CDs doesn't do the music justice compared to the concert. Especially the Hickerson one, where the audience participates by singing the chorus. Sounded better than the CD version, I daresay. But it might've just been the acoustics though. Yip's is not as good in CD, either. =\ I guess now I know why people go to concerts. Oh, I just noticed another reason. The CD I got was recorded 10 years ago. His skills probably improved during the years.
____________________
We got back from the noon concert (Psych midterm was just before that) and I noticed how my t-shirt seemed larger than before. I washed/dried this particular shirt in our dorm's laundry. Amy then commented that her robotics shirt seemed smalled than before. We questioned the strangeness of the dryer. (Dietary, exercise, and habitual changes probably played a factor, too)
Speaking of food, I'm eating much less healthily now. My nails have become more brittle than it used to be...which makes me rather unhappy because I am (was) proud of my nails-that-don't-break. Gah.
I should go study for tomorrow's Calculus for BioSci and Med midterm. Bright and early at 08:00. (dies)
18 October 2006
Ammonium nitrate love?
Mushroom, Mold, and Society (SAS030) midterm today. I don't think I did as well as I could've.
As much as I whi—ined and complained about the Chem lab last night, it really wasn't so bad. In fact, it was kinda fun. Or maybe last week's "measuring the density of water" is just too borning. Anyway, had to mix a few metal salts and acids/bases and make observations then figure out what's in one of the 'mystery chemicals'. The people who planned the lab even tried to get us more involved by trying to make up a background story too, even if it's only, "...you'll be analyzining an unknow compound left at the scene of the crime."
Hmm...I can still smell the ammonium nitrate. (Finished lab ~15:30)
Time to study for Psychology Research Methods (PSC041) now...Oh, and have to write for SAS030 Honors discussion too...
As much as I whi—ined and complained about the Chem lab last night, it really wasn't so bad. In fact, it was kinda fun. Or maybe last week's "measuring the density of water" is just too borning. Anyway, had to mix a few metal salts and acids/bases and make observations then figure out what's in one of the 'mystery chemicals'. The people who planned the lab even tried to get us more involved by trying to make up a background story too, even if it's only, "...you'll be analyzining an unknow compound left at the scene of the crime."
Hmm...I can still smell the ammonium nitrate. (Finished lab ~15:30)
Time to study for Psychology Research Methods (PSC041) now...Oh, and have to write for SAS030 Honors discussion too...
13 October 2006
Home without family.
I'm home. Took 3 and a half hours, three modes of transportation, and three transfers to return, but I'm here. I've 'returned', as Japanese language would suggest.
But returning to a home without people feels strange. Granted, the cat seemed to be rather excited to have the remote possibility of freedom (after giving me a small lick on the nose as a greeting), and Aunt seems interested in hearing about how I got back (I surprised her by calling after I went to Amy's for dinner).
Everything is there and is familiar, but it doesn't feel quite right. I guess people are right when they say they've returned 'home' when they are with someone they adore.
I'm tired. This higher education thing is tiring. Biking to every class is tiring. having to deal with your own daily stuff is tiring. Not being able to just let go is tiring.
Maybe I just had to run around too much. The weekend after I moved in I returned home to deal with the phone. The week after I did not, but went to Sacramento to deal with the same issue. It's finally solved, but it might've taken a higher toll on me than I think. New environment, persisting problem, new daily routine, missing home, monthly hemorrhage, heavier workload...
Looking far ahead makes me think of the long road, the limited time, the far goal, and "how the hell will I be able to fit everything together," and looking at my near future makes me worried, over-loaded, and "crap I'm not keeping up."
Oh, another strange thing. I have the privacy of a whole house instead of a room. Such a big difference with the dormitories. Having been possessing my own room for more than 12 years, the lack of solitude and having to accommodate a lot might be sapping my energy too.
Oh, did I mention I got sick too? Whether that added to the stress or is the manifestation of the stress, though, is up for debate.
This change has thrown me back into confusion that I've tried to wade out of for a year. That's why I kept saying I'm unsettled. I seemed to have lost whatever place I had mentally placed myself that has kept me rather happy for the summer months. Maybe that 'place' is actually just somewhere I escaped to, to avoid thinking about it.
I'm tired.
But returning to a home without people feels strange. Granted, the cat seemed to be rather excited to have the remote possibility of freedom (after giving me a small lick on the nose as a greeting), and Aunt seems interested in hearing about how I got back (I surprised her by calling after I went to Amy's for dinner).
Everything is there and is familiar, but it doesn't feel quite right. I guess people are right when they say they've returned 'home' when they are with someone they adore.
I'm tired. This higher education thing is tiring. Biking to every class is tiring. having to deal with your own daily stuff is tiring. Not being able to just let go is tiring.
Maybe I just had to run around too much. The weekend after I moved in I returned home to deal with the phone. The week after I did not, but went to Sacramento to deal with the same issue. It's finally solved, but it might've taken a higher toll on me than I think. New environment, persisting problem, new daily routine, missing home, monthly hemorrhage, heavier workload...
Looking far ahead makes me think of the long road, the limited time, the far goal, and "how the hell will I be able to fit everything together," and looking at my near future makes me worried, over-loaded, and "crap I'm not keeping up."
Oh, another strange thing. I have the privacy of a whole house instead of a room. Such a big difference with the dormitories. Having been possessing my own room for more than 12 years, the lack of solitude and having to accommodate a lot might be sapping my energy too.
Oh, did I mention I got sick too? Whether that added to the stress or is the manifestation of the stress, though, is up for debate.
This change has thrown me back into confusion that I've tried to wade out of for a year. That's why I kept saying I'm unsettled. I seemed to have lost whatever place I had mentally placed myself that has kept me rather happy for the summer months. Maybe that 'place' is actually just somewhere I escaped to, to avoid thinking about it.
I'm tired.
06 October 2006
Sometimes
Sometimes, there are things that must be done, despite any unwillingness.
Taking 2 bloody hours of public transportation to Northwest of downtown Sacramento, 18 miles away, is one of them.
I know I can get home in that time, even, but going home to an empty house won't fucking help. Phone will still be dead, the indirect dealers will still push the responsibility around, the Verison folks will still not fix anything, and I still won't know whether the phone will work until I come back. At least, in here, I can get some sympathy points for being young, away from home and convenient transportation. Maybe.
I don't like the number of unknown variable in this. I don't like how stranded and helpless I may become if I get lost.
Yes I'm fucking scared of getting lost alone. Yes I'm scared of not having backup, not having support. Yes I'm still a very dependent child with no hope of "moving out" any time soon.
But this is only the end of the second week. Only the end of first week of instruction. Maybe I won't feel like I'm in camp in a bit. Maybe I'll feel more involvement in a while. Maybe I'll feel more comfortable outside our room soon. Maybe...
I'm ill-adapted to change.
Taking 2 bloody hours of public transportation to Northwest of downtown Sacramento, 18 miles away, is one of them.
I know I can get home in that time, even, but going home to an empty house won't fucking help. Phone will still be dead, the indirect dealers will still push the responsibility around, the Verison folks will still not fix anything, and I still won't know whether the phone will work until I come back. At least, in here, I can get some sympathy points for being young, away from home and convenient transportation. Maybe.
I don't like the number of unknown variable in this. I don't like how stranded and helpless I may become if I get lost.
Yes I'm fucking scared of getting lost alone. Yes I'm scared of not having backup, not having support. Yes I'm still a very dependent child with no hope of "moving out" any time soon.
But this is only the end of the second week. Only the end of first week of instruction. Maybe I won't feel like I'm in camp in a bit. Maybe I'll feel more involvement in a while. Maybe I'll feel more comfortable outside our room soon. Maybe...
I'm ill-adapted to change.
05 October 2006
Child
Parents have been on the plane for two hours now.
Last night, when I called my parents and they didn't pick up, my voice cracked on the 'voice email.'
Last night, when they picked up my call, I found myself sounding casual and not like the stuff that's stuck between my throat and my lungs.
I asked about the Verizon account. What's going on? Have you given me full access to the account? What should I do now?
Father said I sounded tired (it was 23:30). I said yes. I said I can stay up a bit later, but I do want to sleep. Yes I want to sleep, but I'm not as tired as I sound. I'm unhappy that you two will be leaving me and afraid of going out to Sacramento to deal with this on my own.
We said goodbyes and I hurriedly wish them a safe trip, have fun, be careful. Father cracked jokes about being watchful like a toad. Did he notice? I said, "yeah, yeah, alright. Bye, and write back when you can."
Don't go, don't leave me behind, I don't want to be alone. Don't do something without me. Don't leave.
I sounded tired (weak). I said goodnight to Amy, crawed into bed, curled up on my side facing the wall like I always do, and my eyes got wet.
Then I took a shuddering breth, not being able to breath.
Then I wanted to shake and cry.
I took a slow breath.
Closed my eyes.
Missed.
Last night, when I called my parents and they didn't pick up, my voice cracked on the 'voice email.'
Last night, when they picked up my call, I found myself sounding casual and not like the stuff that's stuck between my throat and my lungs.
I asked about the Verizon account. What's going on? Have you given me full access to the account? What should I do now?
Father said I sounded tired (it was 23:30). I said yes. I said I can stay up a bit later, but I do want to sleep. Yes I want to sleep, but I'm not as tired as I sound. I'm unhappy that you two will be leaving me and afraid of going out to Sacramento to deal with this on my own.
We said goodbyes and I hurriedly wish them a safe trip, have fun, be careful. Father cracked jokes about being watchful like a toad. Did he notice? I said, "yeah, yeah, alright. Bye, and write back when you can."
Don't go, don't leave me behind, I don't want to be alone. Don't do something without me. Don't leave.
I sounded tired (weak). I said goodnight to Amy, crawed into bed, curled up on my side facing the wall like I always do, and my eyes got wet.
Then I took a shuddering breth, not being able to breath.
Then I wanted to shake and cry.
I took a slow breath.
Closed my eyes.
Missed.
03 October 2006
I hate everything right now.
pinkRAZR > defective > went home for an exchange over the weekend (Friday-Sunday) > went to the Authorized Agents's > told to go to a Verizon retail store > Retail store calls the Authorized Agent's and told them 'WTF! Your responsibility!' > told us to go back > went back to trade for a new silverRAZR > calls/reception/battery OK > charged it all night > [interlude] > went back to Davis > phone woke me up at 5:30, screaming "I'M DYING!" > plugged it in and found no service (again!) > called home next day > went to Davis' AuthAgen > referred to Sacramento main store > more calls home to see what the hell I should do > today called main store > found that I can't even go ask for frigging technical help or anything because the account is not 'mine' > asked dad to give me full access abilities on VeriWire.com > phone died around 15:30 (unplugged from battery this morning around 07:30)
I fucking hate this. Nothing went well yesterday. Well, I lie. Just too many things that didn't go the way it should. I don't even feel like elaborating because I've essentially repeated this to parents, amy, and the Verizon store people many, many times, and will still need to.
Please, I'm not rich. And it's not my fault that the Chem+psyc41 book changed version this year and the Calc book STILL HASN"T ARRIVED.
I hate everything right now.
I don't want this. Never wanted this. THIS. I REALLY DON"T WANT IT NOW. I WANT TO GO BACK 2 weeks, one month, three months, one year, two years, 17 years....
If I had some space and room and a bigger closet, I'd go cry. I almost did. I feel fat and streched thin.
I fucking hate this. Nothing went well yesterday. Well, I lie. Just too many things that didn't go the way it should. I don't even feel like elaborating because I've essentially repeated this to parents, amy, and the Verizon store people many, many times, and will still need to.
Please, I'm not rich. And it's not my fault that the Chem+psyc41 book changed version this year and the Calc book STILL HASN"T ARRIVED.
I hate everything right now.
I don't want this. Never wanted this. THIS. I REALLY DON"T WANT IT NOW. I WANT TO GO BACK 2 weeks, one month, three months, one year, two years, 17 years....
If I had some space and room and a bigger closet, I'd go cry. I almost did. I feel fat and streched thin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)