BlogThis: Episode III: The Backstroke of the West

■　Winterson.com:Episode III: The Backstroke of the West

Also linked at Larry's Xanga

The Wonderland Rabbit Imitator

Panicking. Pressed.

That sinking feeling that one would be met with some horrible consequence if one doesn't make it in time.

Not enough time...

...Despite still having more than two week's worth of hours for things to get done.

Crap and Not Enough Time are what I'm thinking, yet movies and twenty-six episodes of Samuri 7 still weaved in.

But still, I'm thinking,

Crap, I'm not going to get this done.

Still 2 books, 15 pages, notes, 2 posters, websites, and much more to go.

All I could put my heart to do is complain.

While I'm at it, one last complain:

I blame Larry for messing up my already messed-up sleeping schedule.

Home

I'm back and feel like crap. Right now Grandmother is talking about going back to Hong Kong once again, this time with the purpose of seeing her ear problem. Then more about having sent money for college. We keep telling her that money is not a problem. She can't hear. I have to scream with a hoarse throat from talking so much after comming back. My voice just broke.

Tired. But all I've heard from Father and Grandmother is school, school, SAT, driving written exam, college, hard life...I don't want to hear it. I don't need more nagging (mostly from Grandmother) after rooming with someone who's an expert at it. Sorry Julie/Mrs. So, I really couldn't take your long-winded talks any more.

I think I want to wash my hair, but I just read an email from Aunt that females on their period shouldn't because it will cause the uterus to contract and leave behind...things that will lead to cancer.

Will be typing written entries during my trip in the future. Crap, I have so much mails and DevART and ffn stuff to check too.

I want privacy. I need privacy.

Day 1: PanYu Polytechnic

Currently in PanYu Polytechnic...Using their English media center. Umm. Hot and humid here, though it's not as intolerable as I thought. Other people think otherwise, though.

Yay. Got a phone card and have about 35 minutes. Will call people, methinks.

AArgh. I'm writing to an audience..BAD BERNICE!


(Local time 10:17am)

Gregor's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater

Today was really great.
I feel a bit strange because we've just moved to Idaho and there's a weird smell in the house.

I'm so hardcore. Me and Buzz went to the mall today, and I stole a whole heap of stuff. I got a Good Charlotte CD, a couple of DVDs and some new boots. Buzz got caught, but he fought his way out, and then we stole some lady's car and smashed it into a phone booth.

Last night I had to go and pay Joshua's bail. He's such a jerk. He got arrested for punching the Walmart clerk in the face for refusing to sell him beer. He's only 16!

I am sharpening my knives before I go to work today, because I'm going to cut out Robert's heart and feed it to him for losing my mail.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's ten thousand photographs of my cat.

I want to say thanks to simon and Abbey and Dave and the other Simon for helping me on Saturday. You guys are the best. By the way, if you happen to find my wallet, keys or underwear, could you SMS me? Adrian has my number.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, and a healthy imagination.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.

Type something here.

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this poem I wrote. It's about my friend Robert, who has bipolar disorder. Just like me. And Heidi.

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Mask

Masks destroys people. That's the conclusion from the most recent Bathroom Philosophy session.

Masks seems to protect us from what we fear. Or at least that is the case if fear involves others.

I fear rejection, so I patch myself up with detachment and solitude, acting as if I don't care. Trying to convince myself and others that I won't be hurt. So I cram the as much faults that I have under lies and acting to be a good person. I igrew up being the center of attention, and I still want that attention. I may shrug and say, 'meh, it's alright,' '(shrug) I don't really care,' but...my insides sometimes differ. If my original goal was to change for the better, I've failed mizerably. I have been spoiled and nothing can change that. I'm posessive and selfish and fear rejection and failure. Me waving off the fear is, perhaps, an attempt to lessen the pain, but mostly it is to hide. Hide my ugly core.

I am competitive and attention demanding. I must not be the same as others, because that would just hiss in my ear about my normalty. That'd just mean I'm just like any passerby on the street, all in which can be lumped into a collective, a mass of indistinguished beings. Of course, many of those in the collective may also be striving for the same things...

I'm scared of being excluded, so I act my best and sweep all the dirt under the tongue, because I know what an annoying, loathsome person I really am. Perhaps more so than I imagine. So I mold myself with the English Poker Face As Adapted In Hong Kong.

I dread that this will be read, yet keeping this to myself will not change myself.

Passive, whiny. I let chances and opportunities slip by. I learn to not let that happen in school work, so I hoarde and claw at those opportunities. Giving up AP Gov, despite my lack of interest, was hard. But in all other spectrums of life, I have let so many things slip by and miss and I regret them weeks, months, years, seconds, minutes, hours afterward for days and months. But regreting solves nothing. So I regret for missing and for regretting.

Without my Fort and my Mask and my Armor and my Bluff, I am nothing and I am weak.

I'm not coherent...because I'm shaky from honestly revealing my face and not another mask underneath?

I need to know what others think of me so I can fix the cracks that I cannot see.

I..I...always me. I'm selfish. Others are not in my concern. I don't fare well in social things because I'm only concerned for myself, and I fool myself to think it's because I don't want to by nosy instead...

I ranted.

Phantom of the Opera

"Rented" the DVD today and watched. I didn't like the Phantom's voice, nor the way he's portrayed. From what Mother has told me of the original musical, I think I like that better. The Chinese version that Aunt saw seems pretty interesting too.

I like the song "Masquerade," lyrics more so than the tune (too repetitive).

At The Corner of My Mouth

口角生了幾個水泡、超噁心。

Somehow saying that in English just quite doesn't cut it.

Maybe it's just because I thought it out in Cantonese....

Innocence

I went to breakfast at First Watch with Kat and Amy today, then later to Amy's to chat and to Kat's to listen to her play the piano. At Amy's, Kat was saying I'm innocent (as in not having been experienced in some things, as I infer from the conversation), but..well, I would say otherwise. Maybe not physically, but...haha, think Fanfiction.

No. Not really that innocent. Inexperienced, but not (searches thesaurus) untainted XD

What they talk about and what they tell me seems to fit perfectly to what I said about how I present myself. Cause and effect. Amy said that she doesn't know whether I'm disinterest in it or I don't want to know about it. I guess I have mild interest in it because it concerns a friend, and I don't really mind. I would be slightly frightened if they're of the Holly-typed details...O_O;;

Hehe. "Innocence." (D.Gray-Man related)


'The Akuma have taken away the General's Innocence!' LoL.

Why Do I Friggin Need A Title Now? It Didn't Need One Before!

It's bad when one's so tired and sleep-needy that she feels like throwing up, right?

But what can I say, I like stretching myself to the limits. (/sarcasm)