Masks destroys people. That's the conclusion from the most recent Bathroom Philosophy session.
Masks seems to protect us from what we fear. Or at least that is the case if fear involves others.
I fear rejection, so I patch myself up with detachment and solitude, acting as if I don't care. Trying to convince myself and others that I won't be hurt. So I cram the as much faults that I have under lies and acting to be a good person. I igrew up being the center of attention, and I still want that attention. I may shrug and say, 'meh, it's alright,' '(shrug) I don't really care,' but...my insides sometimes differ. If my original goal was to change for the better, I've failed mizerably. I have been spoiled and nothing can change that. I'm posessive and selfish and fear rejection and failure. Me waving off the fear is, perhaps, an attempt to lessen the pain, but mostly it is to hide. Hide my ugly core.
I am competitive and attention demanding. I must not be the same as others, because that would just hiss in my ear about my normalty. That'd just mean I'm just like any passerby on the street, all in which can be lumped into a collective, a mass of indistinguished beings. Of course, many of those in the collective may also be striving for the same things...
I'm scared of being excluded, so I act my best and sweep all the dirt under the tongue, because I know what an annoying, loathsome person I really am. Perhaps more so than I imagine. So I mold myself with the English Poker Face As Adapted In Hong Kong.
I dread that this will be read, yet keeping this to myself will not change myself.
Passive, whiny. I let chances and opportunities slip by. I learn to not let that happen in school work, so I hoarde and claw at those opportunities. Giving up AP Gov, despite my lack of interest, was hard. But in all other spectrums of life, I have let so many things slip by and miss and I regret them weeks, months, years, seconds, minutes, hours afterward for days and months. But regreting solves nothing. So I regret for missing and for regretting.
Without my Fort and my Mask and my Armor and my Bluff, I am nothing and I am weak.
I'm not coherent...because I'm shaky from honestly revealing my face and not another mask underneath?
I need to know what others think of me so I can fix the cracks that I cannot see.
I..I...always me. I'm selfish. Others are not in my concern. I don't fare well in social things because I'm only concerned for myself, and I fool myself to think it's because I don't want to by nosy instead...
I ranted.
I'm living proof that not being concerned with yourself doesn't help either.
ReplyDeleteNo, you're not selfish.
ReplyDeleteA class being taught by Silton is not a reason to drop it...He is one of the best teachers at Aragon.
ReplyDeleteNADPH is not inevitable. You can have cyclic electron flow that generates ATP but no NADPH. I am disappointed in you Elton. :P
Cooperation is only beneficial evolution-wise in certain special cases. Your foot cells contain the same DNA as your brain cells, so they "know" that the success of one will lead to the success of the other. However, just as people care about their families more than total strangers, this drops sharply as the amount of shared genetic material decreases. Especially when you consider how much DNA is common to _all_ humans. To a lesser extent this can be seen in clans, nations, and whatever you want to call them. But there is always individuality and competition.
The utopia of everyone working together for the common good is opposed to human nature in the sense that it does not follow the principles of evolution. The only way humans have at all managed to overcome these genetic guidelines on behavior is by creating new motivations that work parallel to genetic similarity, such as ideology and money.
And yes, you can escape them. But there's no reason to. They aren't malicious, they are essential.
ReplyDelete