Friday.

XD

Got to the shuttle station at 14:00. People started forming two lines, which confused me. So I got in a random one and asked the guy in front of me which one's the reserved one, if that's the reason for two lines. I was in the right line. Bus didn't come until 20 after and didn't depart until 14:30.

Matt was in the reserved line and sat in the sit in front of me. We ended up talking most of the way. Meh, crazy pre-med who disturbs people three floors down playing Donkey Kong Bongo or something.

At the beginning and towards the end of the ride the driver spoke about bus safety, registration procedures, and where stuff like the Bart station is.

The bus actually arrived in Berkeley on time (15:45). I figured the bus would be late and told Larry the bus would get there around 4...he figured that it'd arrive late...and brought a newpaper and a box of pakoras. (had to look through the chat logs for that) They were pretty good, but a little too dry for me.

So for an hour I dragged my chem book all around Berkeley campus, with Larry pointing out various buildings that I've gotten about by now. It's a lot of uphill walking and sun in my eyes, but the buildings are pretty. The green copper roofs are done intentionally, Larry. Learned what dryads are, and saw a tree that seem like it shouldn't be living but is. (maybe pictures later...?) Got a map of the campus, but didn't use look at it at all.

At five we waited in front of the clock tower (what was it called again) and...nobody came for 20 minutes or so. Called Elton and Mayo's cell, with no response. It turns out that Elton's lab ran late and Asaf (whose # I did not have) thought we were waiting at Smart Alec's because there aren't any food places where the clock tower is. In the meantime Larry finished all his pakoras though he said he wouldn't be able to eat dinner if he ate all of them.

Met up with Asaf at the fountain in the square (whatever it's called) and called Mayo when we were at the edge of the campus. He was playing tennis and wanted a shower before meeting us, but yes, he'll join us for dinner. Walked back to the fountain to wait for him.

Didn't take long for him to get there. Then dinner. I must thank Elton & Larry for accommodating my vegetarian-ness. Had a avocado burger with a veggie patty. Which tasted kind of strange...not in bad way, but not in a good way either. It tasted a bit like wheat. Now that I think about it, Byakko's dry food tasted strongly of wheat...

Then we went to this frozen yogurt place. Got strawberry and..."happy nuts" (why can't I remember what it's called in English?!), which tasted strange. In the bad way. Asaf offered to trade for his chocolate and caramel, but there's no need to make him eat it, really.

Couldn't decide where to go next and Elton tried to make Larry decide (something along the lines of "the person who's oldest and has been here the longest should decide")...Ended up in the lounge of Mayo's building (Ida?) and Mayo played ping-pong with Elton then Asaf. I can't play ping-pong so Elton got the pool stuff and that's what we did for a couple of hours. I've only played once before, but he kept getting the cue ball in, too, so I won the three games =\ Power (Elton) vs Accuracy (Me). Mayo disappeared sometime while I was concentrating on knocking balls into the pockets and Asaf went to attend a religious meeting or something though he says he's not religious. Eh, a little fuzzy on the details of that. Larry just sat on the sofa. We tried to get him to play, but he wouldn't. Meh.

Elton and I tried to play Foosball with the cue ball. Didn't really work since it's too big to be able to score, and food got on the cue ball. LoL.

Watched Battlestar Galactica for about 5 minutes, after which Elton began playing the piano and I distracted Larry from his TV-watching.

Parentals called some time after 8 to see where in the world I was. I forgot to call them and they weren't very happy. So. Didn't leave the lounge until nine, at least, and just missed the Bart. Asaf, Elton, and Larry stayed behind the gates on the upper level while Mayo & I were half way down the stairs. We weren't included in their conversation =\

As it was Halloween weekend, we saw some interesting people, including a red and black Lolita Goth with a royal blue viking, a floppy-eared dog seems rather warm under all that fur, pirates, and some characters that I couldn't identify. On the bart we saw a guy with red spandex, yellow underwear (on top, of course), and antennas with a gold ball attached on each end. Couldn't get a picture of him because his newspaper was in the way, though.

We ruined our eardrums by listening to music on the Bart and spend our time playing spider solitaire and minesweeper. Parentals came to pick us up at Millbrae and took Mayo home. I didn't arrive home until 23:45. Father was watching the new The Return of the Condor Heroes, so I think that's what we were watching before I went to sleep at 2:30.

Um. Third aunt and cousin Rita came from Seattle the next day, and we met at Grandmother's grave with Father's brother and his family. Alice didn't talk to me at all, but went straight to Rita when she came. I'm a little sad. Maybe she hates me. Maybe I should've gone over there and talked to them. I feel kinda useless and stupid.

Hmm yeah. This is actually typed a week after all that happened because I didn't feel like recalling everything in detail just yet. Now I'm in the computer lab, being bored.

LAAAAAAATE!

Oh dear. I've been doing additional research for the ergot poisoning write-up (1 pg minimum...I wrote 2, accidentally.) and...it's really late now. In Hutchinsons.

Chem lab was fun. Pretty colors.

The worse is over, I think. I hope. Tomorrow will be an easier day and Friday will be 'yay'. It's only 'bad' because I had work due, anyway. Not that I don't have more work due tomorrow or Friday, but I'm either done with it (or have overdone it), or it's not...due due.

I still have to find a way to show that 'what are you sinking about' commercial in the Language seminar. I should go to TIexpress to see what they have that I can borrow.

I should go. It's late. It's dark.

In Chem Lab SLB

...waiting for Chem lab @ 13:10.

I kinda feel like crap.

This lab has some older Dells. Same system as the other SLBs, though, so I'm guessing no java/popups.

(I found out last night that I've been spelling 'casserole dish' wrong this whole time.)

Started looking at courses last night. Pass 1 for me is Monday @ 14:30. I'm slightly worried, as it seems like I'm going to have 1 more unit than this quarter. Worried about how I'm going to deal in Chem, that is. Apparently the average is a B on the midterm...and I'm below average (cries). So...guess I'll have to put in much more time if I want scholarship/stay in DHC. or be less stubborn.

I haven't been...happy (...content?) lately. I've been spewing quite some angry words. It's taking a bit of energy from me. Maybe I just shouldn't care about things not directly related to me anymore. I'm not gratuitous...and maybe trying to be is creating cognitive dissonance. Maybe I just need some time alone.

This is me writing n times a day as I hog a station in the computer lab, doing and not doing my homework.

Found out that while the older computers in the Segundo LRC has no CPUs to plug headphones & USBs into and has very old and slow computers (w/ no firefox), they allow AIMexpress and can print for free 10 pages a day, no quarter limit. Hmm....

I better go back to cook myself some bokchoy for dinner, then do Chem hw and draft the Salem Witch essay.

Locked Out.

Went to the MU computer lab, which had no free stations →
Went back to Hutchinson lab, stayed for an hour and a half →
Got last week’s post-lab done →
Walked out and saw Amy going to her class →
Got back and couldn't find her keys* →
Figured she probably left them in the room when she opened the door after lunch →
Is at the Segundo LRC using their crappy computers (slow and not LCD monitors) + can't do the pre-lab presentation using Amy's labtop like she planned + is too lazy to walk to Hutchinson again + will probably go do the pre-lab at Hutchinson's after Calc Discussion.

(cries)


EDIT 20061025 22:18:

*refering to PcBY, not Amy.

oO;;

On a 10 min station in Olson.

Last night, walked out of Hutchinson at around 19:30 and went. "Crap. It's all dark. I don't know where I am."

30 seconds left.

EDIT 15:40: 142/200 = 74.5%. Just as I expected. If he'd curve to top grade, though, I'd barely have a B (184). GAH.

Crap.

Crap. I spent 2 hours writing non-homework stuff.

Never A Dull Day For PcBY

...That was the title I had when I planned to write today. Amy, in her recent post, said that school's been unevenful and so routine. Contrarily, I seemed to find enough to post all last week. It could be because I just didn't want to study for midterms, but I had things to say. Well, I guess that's not too difficult to being with. I suppose the difference is in the frame of mind and...what actually did happen. Yes, school is not that different and not difficult to adjust to, but many things did happen that is new, interesting...and need to be let out of my system. But maybe it's just me being easily interested.

This is my place to speak without being too afraid of being uninteresting. Or too random. Or too scary. Or too emo. (wait. Nevermind on that. That's already done.)

Last night was supposed to be uneventful. Amy went out to explore the Sacramento airport, while I stayed in the room to study for the Chem midterm (the last one for the moment). First day of vegan/vegetarian diet, but I've been doing that for years. Boiled noodles and cooked vegetables for myself, but that's been done the night before too. (By the way, there weren't nearly as many aphides on the bokchoy as the package from the night before.)

Amy came back around 21:00 (21:30?) and bought cup ramen from RiteAid. Cleaned the casseroll dish for me and used it to boil water for the ramen. After a while she ran in, told me she poured boiling water on her feet, and went to the bathroom. Maybe I should've warned her about spiling, since I did get a bit on me when I tried to pour hot water a little earlier. So after checking that she's okay, I went back into the room to find the first aid kit. And guess what I did. I panicked. I completely forgot that I put it on the shelf next to the door and went rumaging my closet, drawers, etc, etc for the box, even thinking that I might've left it behind at home. Yeah, so much for being cool-headed.

I found creme for burns and non-stick pads, but no gauze pads, gauze rolls, or cloth tape. Basically what we have left after the cat healed. So I ran around the floor (okay, just on my side of the building) and looked for these things. People tried to be helpful and was caring, I'm glad to find.

Today she didn't go to class (MUS010) and was still asleep a couple of hours after noon.

In the meanwhile, I got my Calc midterm back (98/100, 115 pts possible), learned about bread and wine and cheese, and failed my Chem midterm (not in the joking way).

I should mention that my computer had been acting strangely for the past few days. I couldn't find any viruses, but sometimes it would turn on by itself in the middle of the night after I've turned it off, staying on until I wake up and hear its whirl. It happened again last night, keyboard lights flashing spasmodically and hard drive making chuggling noises. I turned off the UPS and unplugged the ethernet cable before I slept.

This morning I plugged the power back in and tried to see if it still has problems, and found that I couldn't even turn it on. After classes I took the cover off the tower and checked for loose cables and such...and when that didn't work, I called Father. After wishing him happy birthday, you're one year older, and such. Checked a few more things and he said the power supply for the computer must've burnt out. (eMachines' tend to do that often, he said.)

SOOOOO. No computer until Sunday. Awesome. I'll be going home this weekend (through Davis-Berkeley shuttle, yay!), so I guess a new computer part is another thing I can look forward to.

Went to TAPS to get the shuttle ticket, and walked ~40min to The Marketplace when I could've taken paid public transportation. At least I took Unitrans back. And at least I have a good idea of some of the area north of UCD now. I like walking; gives me a sense of where things are. I don't notice as much on bikes or buses...well, I'm mostly trying not to crash and get to some place as soon as possible when I'm on a bike...

Bought gauze pads, a gauze roll, and a roll of cloth tape. Used my credit card the first time (MUST REMEMBER TO PAY THE BILLS). Went to safeway to buy Melba toast for the goat cheese I bought last weekend, also got two tiny pumpkins that I don't know what to do with. Decided the "vegetarian food" at DC not only has entirely too much oil, but is making me feel sick. Thus I bought a strawberry whirl (yay for trying new food) and will be having that for dinner.

Got back, gave the model # for the power supply to Father, went to Cowell with Amy, came to Hutchinson's, got a bit lost trying to find the computer lab, and here I am, spending more time than I should ranting about insignificant details of my day. Not the worst day, but getting there.

I'm really trying to have vegan diet for 9 days. Father said I shouldn't though, since I have school, and I don't have the greatest selection of foods here. Eat eggs and milk products like you have been previous years, he said. He laughed when I said I'll go on the diet as well on Saturday, when they got back from their trip.

Oh well. The cheese will have to be eaten.

Too much oil makes me sick. It's an uncomfortable weight in my stomach that wouldn't go away.

Mother called around 12:30 to see how I was doing. I was frustrated at the computer and thus was unkind and impatient when we talked. I feel guilty now. Father was...so business-like. "Okay, I'll see if I can get the power supply for you. Goodbye." -__-;

As I was walking to Albertson's (though I didn't see any Albertsons and ended up in Safeway), I talked to myself in a cheerily sacrastic tone. Oh yes, just a brilliant day today. I wonder if it's going to get better? No, I'm not pissed, no, no, not at all. A warm sun and failing chem. What more could I ask for? Ah, I hope it won't get any colder when they turn on the central heating system on the 26th. It's not warm enough until it feels like an oven. I briefly considered talking to others this way, but decided I don't need to get other people irritated too.

Meh. I have a writing assignment (w/ internet reserch!) due Thursay. Sounds like a good time to spend an obscene amount of time in the computer lab sometime soon...

I can't wait until Friday. Really. Not only because will I be done with this hellish week without my own computer, but because I is going to have dinner with Larry, Elton, Mayo, and maybe other people too. Yay.

My phone is running out of battery again. GARH, RAZRs use too much battery....

About Change and Fakeness. (and finally getting some sleep)

I woke not half an hour ago, haven't washed or eaten. Got a glorious twelve hours of sleep. Finally. These heavy curtains are wonderful.

This is what I spent my half hour on.
Hikaruyuki: The Fantasy

First, if her parents and mentors really did tell her what she relayed, then I have to disagree with them. "...Pick out all of the imperfections you've discovered about yourself ever since freshman year of high school, throw them away, and present a new 'you' to the world"? Not only is throwing out an imperfection more difficult than it sounds, "throwing out" is not quite the right world, isnt it? It sounds...so absolute. As if imperfections are just mud on your face that merely take some water and soap to clean. Yes, strive to be the perfect human who's the most caring, most humble, most friendly, most out-going, most reflective, most intelligent, most accepting, most thoughtful, most humourous, most...!

It doesn't sound natural.

I think...imperfections are like stains on an unbleached cotton t-shirt. The stain is what distinguishes one person from the next. You can be disgusted with it, but if it doesn't wash out (and it's not easy to, the longer you've had that stain), then what? Either try again and again until it fades to something unnoticible, dye the whole shirt into a different color to cover that ugly thing up, or accept it, maybe decorating and changing it into something of merit, and wear it with pride. Some people ignore it (or never even notice it) and probably more would just dye the whole shirt. Dyed shirts are not natural-looking. The other options take more energy, more time. Bleached shirts...well, yes, the stain is gone, but you look blindingly bright and untouchable. You'll probably be less touchable, too, afraid of getting any imperfect stains...

Speaking of shirts, I need to do laundry this weekend or soon.

"I'd like to go back to when I still had an identity. At least back then, I didn't feel like I was playing myself."
Identity, I thought, is who you think you are? Won't you always have an identity, which, in this case, only means that you don't like the mold you're trying to fit into?

I commented, but I'm a little afraid of any backlash. I don't know her well, or even in person, so maybe I shouldn't be saying anything. I often think that despite some of our similarities (that's how I started contacting her), we live in very different environments and have very different views...at least in the realm of social life. Correction: I have a different social life than most people.


tag "mind discovery," tag "philosophy," tag "weltanschauung," or others?

Bernice Is Emo Today.

Garris: (points to the black boots I was wearing) Emo shoes.
I: They're old and tattered.
Garris: That's what makes it emo.
I: (pulls pant legs up a bit) They're actually boots...that just makes them more emo, doesn't it?
Garris: yeah.
I: I'm wearing all black today too...
Garris: an with those wrist warmers...you're really not doing any good, you know.
I: haha.
(a bit later)
Garris: Let's see what emo Bernice is listening to. (takes iPod)
I: (gives an earplug)
Garris: "Half pain"? You're really emo today. (makes slicing motions) Soon you'll be slicing your wrist.
I: (laughing )yeah. (makes up-down slicing motions) Oops, I'll die that way. (slices across) That's better.

But I'm not as I appear today. Calc midterm was fine; didn't get to figure out the extra credit, but the exam was rather easy. Didn't even have epsilon/n proofs. We had a guest speaker—chair of Department of Food Sciences—who lectured on beer today. English (British) and very funny. Goes through information really quickly, but most are on slides anyway. Had much fun. Overall, not an emo day.

__________________

15:41 edit: ARGH. Went to get discounted watercolor pens at the blowout sale thing and the person at the register is INCOMPETENT! I bought a few of those brush/pen things, found ones with better tips, asked if I can just change the product, and she told me to buy these and return the ones I bought earlier. Went to the returns place, the girl there (who's probably new) had to get approval from the art department because some people return used supplies. The art department wouldn't pick up (because they're remodeling, as the person from the art department said later). Called a bunch more people and finally got someone to come. That person didn't recognize the pens, so she ran around trying to figure out if those are returnable. After at least half an hour since I asked for an exchange, I finally could to the cash register to get my money back.

The only good thing that came out of this whole thing is getting more money back than I paid. When the returns girl scanned the products in, they showed the list price but not the extra 50% off, so I got $10 back when I only paid $5 for them. At least it's compensation?

The person at the blowout sale thought she was completely blameless, too, which is the thing that made me most irritated. But if she were competent, she wouldn't be working here rather than in internships or something, right?

When Amy bought hers, one of the pens only got a $.50 (rather than 50%) discount, so that took a while to go through the same process too. At least the returns girl knew what to do then. =/

CDs & Resized T-shrits

Not a month since this 'higher education' thing started and I've already got two, no, three new CDs. Bernice doesn't usually buy CDs. Free noon concerts are to be blamed. Last Tuesday was "folk guitarist" Joe Hickerson and today was guitarist Brandon Yip. Hmm...and in between scavenged Japan for Sale from the library.

The first two CDs doesn't do the music justice compared to the concert. Especially the Hickerson one, where the audience participates by singing the chorus. Sounded better than the CD version, I daresay. But it might've just been the acoustics though. Yip's is not as good in CD, either. =\ I guess now I know why people go to concerts. Oh, I just noticed another reason. The CD I got was recorded 10 years ago. His skills probably improved during the years.

____________________

We got back from the noon concert (Psych midterm was just before that) and I noticed how my t-shirt seemed larger than before. I washed/dried this particular shirt in our dorm's laundry. Amy then commented that her robotics shirt seemed smalled than before. We questioned the strangeness of the dryer. (Dietary, exercise, and habitual changes probably played a factor, too)

Speaking of food, I'm eating much less healthily now. My nails have become more brittle than it used to be...which makes me rather unhappy because I am (was) proud of my nails-that-don't-break. Gah.

I should go study for tomorrow's Calculus for BioSci and Med midterm. Bright and early at 08:00. (dies)

Ammonium nitrate love?

Mushroom, Mold, and Society (SAS030) midterm today. I don't think I did as well as I could've.

As much as I whi—ined and complained about the Chem lab last night, it really wasn't so bad. In fact, it was kinda fun. Or maybe last week's "measuring the density of water" is just too borning. Anyway, had to mix a few metal salts and acids/bases and make observations then figure out what's in one of the 'mystery chemicals'. The people who planned the lab even tried to get us more involved by trying to make up a background story too, even if it's only, "...you'll be analyzining an unknow compound left at the scene of the crime."

Hmm...I can still smell the ammonium nitrate. (Finished lab ~15:30)

Time to study for Psychology Research Methods (PSC041) now...Oh, and have to write for SAS030 Honors discussion too...

Home without family.

I'm home. Took 3 and a half hours, three modes of transportation, and three transfers to return, but I'm here. I've 'returned', as Japanese language would suggest.

But returning to a home without people feels strange. Granted, the cat seemed to be rather excited to have the remote possibility of freedom (after giving me a small lick on the nose as a greeting), and Aunt seems interested in hearing about how I got back (I surprised her by calling after I went to Amy's for dinner).

Everything is there and is familiar, but it doesn't feel quite right. I guess people are right when they say they've returned 'home' when they are with someone they adore.

I'm tired. This higher education thing is tiring. Biking to every class is tiring. having to deal with your own daily stuff is tiring. Not being able to just let go is tiring.

Maybe I just had to run around too much. The weekend after I moved in I returned home to deal with the phone. The week after I did not, but went to Sacramento to deal with the same issue. It's finally solved, but it might've taken a higher toll on me than I think. New environment, persisting problem, new daily routine, missing home, monthly hemorrhage, heavier workload...

Looking far ahead makes me think of the long road, the limited time, the far goal, and "how the hell will I be able to fit everything together," and looking at my near future makes me worried, over-loaded, and "crap I'm not keeping up."

Oh, another strange thing. I have the privacy of a whole house instead of a room. Such a big difference with the dormitories. Having been possessing my own room for more than 12 years, the lack of solitude and having to accommodate a lot might be sapping my energy too.

Oh, did I mention I got sick too? Whether that added to the stress or is the manifestation of the stress, though, is up for debate.

This change has thrown me back into confusion that I've tried to wade out of for a year. That's why I kept saying I'm unsettled. I seemed to have lost whatever place I had mentally placed myself that has kept me rather happy for the summer months. Maybe that 'place' is actually just somewhere I escaped to, to avoid thinking about it.

I'm tired.

Sometimes

Sometimes, there are things that must be done, despite any unwillingness.

Taking 2 bloody hours of public transportation to Northwest of downtown Sacramento, 18 miles away, is one of them.

I know I can get home in that time, even, but going home to an empty house won't fucking help. Phone will still be dead, the indirect dealers will still push the responsibility around, the Verison folks will still not fix anything, and I still won't know whether the phone will work until I come back. At least, in here, I can get some sympathy points for being young, away from home and convenient transportation. Maybe.

I don't like the number of unknown variable in this. I don't like how stranded and helpless I may become if I get lost.

Yes I'm fucking scared of getting lost alone. Yes I'm scared of not having backup, not having support. Yes I'm still a very dependent child with no hope of "moving out" any time soon.

But this is only the end of the second week. Only the end of first week of instruction. Maybe I won't feel like I'm in camp in a bit. Maybe I'll feel more involvement in a while. Maybe I'll feel more comfortable outside our room soon. Maybe...

I'm ill-adapted to change.

Child

Parents have been on the plane for two hours now.

Last night, when I called my parents and they didn't pick up, my voice cracked on the 'voice email.'

Last night, when they picked up my call, I found myself sounding casual and not like the stuff that's stuck between my throat and my lungs.

I asked about the Verizon account. What's going on? Have you given me full access to the account? What should I do now?

Father said I sounded tired (it was 23:30). I said yes. I said I can stay up a bit later, but I do want to sleep. Yes I want to sleep, but I'm not as tired as I sound. I'm unhappy that you two will be leaving me and afraid of going out to Sacramento to deal with this on my own.

We said goodbyes and I hurriedly wish them a safe trip, have fun, be careful. Father cracked jokes about being watchful like a toad. Did he notice? I said, "yeah, yeah, alright. Bye, and write back when you can."

Don't go, don't leave me behind, I don't want to be alone. Don't do something without me. Don't leave.

I sounded tired (weak). I said goodnight to Amy, crawed into bed, curled up on my side facing the wall like I always do, and my eyes got wet.

Then I took a shuddering breth, not being able to breath.
Then I wanted to shake and cry.
I took a slow breath.
Closed my eyes.
Missed.

I hate everything right now.

pinkRAZR > defective > went home for an exchange over the weekend (Friday-Sunday) > went to the Authorized Agents's > told to go to a Verizon retail store > Retail store calls the Authorized Agent's and told them 'WTF! Your responsibility!' > told us to go back > went back to trade for a new silverRAZR > calls/reception/battery OK > charged it all night > [interlude] > went back to Davis > phone woke me up at 5:30, screaming "I'M DYING!" > plugged it in and found no service (again!) > called home next day > went to Davis' AuthAgen > referred to Sacramento main store > more calls home to see what the hell I should do > today called main store > found that I can't even go ask for frigging technical help or anything because the account is not 'mine' > asked dad to give me full access abilities on VeriWire.com > phone died around 15:30 (unplugged from battery this morning around 07:30)

I fucking hate this. Nothing went well yesterday. Well, I lie. Just too many things that didn't go the way it should. I don't even feel like elaborating because I've essentially repeated this to parents, amy, and the Verizon store people many, many times, and will still need to.

Please, I'm not rich. And it's not my fault that the Chem+psyc41 book changed version this year and the Calc book STILL HASN"T ARRIVED.

I hate everything right now.
I don't want this. Never wanted this. THIS. I REALLY DON"T WANT IT NOW. I WANT TO GO BACK 2 weeks, one month, three months, one year, two years, 17 years....

If I had some space and room and a bigger closet, I'd go cry. I almost did. I feel fat and streched thin.