イチ。
I've been thinking that, if I ever get around to making new layouts, I should move this blog to a new address.

Layouts, domain, business, designs...gah! My brain is itching to not study for the two finals tomorrow!

に。
Of course I go hunt for newest chaptres of manga in Japanese, then try to read them with the help of a dictionary, on the nights before finals.

Surprisingly, it wasn't too hard.

Would it be too ambitious to try an itsy bitsy bit on novels now? (Probably, but that's not going to stop me, is it. The finals aren't, so what can?)

News: H.M. Dies at 82

■ H. M., an Unforgettable Amnesiac, Dies at 82

By BENEDICT CAREY
Published: December 5, 2008
Henry Gustav Molaison, or H.M., was recognized as the most important patient in the history of brain science.

My Human Memories professor had H.M.'s obituary, written by Dr. Corken(?), but it seems that only the NYTimes and AP versions are available.

Breaking from the results of procrastination.

ハイ、お久しぶりです。日本語はもう中々忘れてしまった様ですね。

Yes, I am currently in the middle of suffering from my completely, guiltily conscious and self-inflicted results of my avoidance problems. 

Yes, I am currently in the realm of 'I'm screwed and is past the redemption point, shit.' 

[Redemption at Amazon 

Low prices on Redemption. Qualified orders over $25 ship free]

Right, if only. 

But even I know I should stop for a bit (and probably should go shower) when I start hovering and squinting at the screen from less than twenty centimeters away. ('Six inches' sounds shorter, but I am attempting to rebel against American acculturation.)

'Twas going to say 'I'm such an 'effing wreck,' but on second thought, I can do worse. I really can. My study ethics are just completely down the drain, probably wrecking havoc on my transcripts. (I am too scared to check.) 

What with all the familial and social turmoil since last year this time, I think I feel drained. 

(I can never tell, until I look back and say, 'wow, what a deep, dark pit I was in, and am I still shaking off the reminants of shadows?')

My enthusiasm for persuing the cognition-intensive is dwindling. The drive for the pursue of perfection seemed to have been weakening since, oh, about three-and-a-half years ago. Seems like a very, very long time ago. In my young age, though, perhaps it is. It was 17% of my life ago, after all. That's close enough to one fifth, isn't it?

The way I cannot even consider admitting and write about some things until it's early morning and when time is tight (actually, I've given up on submitting it with full points attached).

(Not lying to yourself is painful. Physically percieving my own admittance to failure really, really hurts.

Why do I never fucking learn?)

Now that my skin is much more comfortable to live in, it's really time I work on not being a coward, face my shortcomings, battle against those terrible habits of indolence, steer myself from taking the path of least resistance (really, you're better than protein in a sizing column!), and stop fobbing myself off thinking that 'this is good enough' or 'it's too late.' 

And remember that I disliked those qualities enough to hurt others with it. 

And remember that I hate those qualities in myself, every time I experience it. 

Work, amygdala, damn it! 

(Or maybe they are working; it's only I who learned the response wrongly.)

...I am so very afraid and unwilling to look into the future. I am tired and no longer sure of my goals. I have always overestimated myself in the worse moments. And then underestimate myself in the wrong moments. I am no longer sure, while people around me seem to be over their uncertainty and are moving fowards. 

How rotten must I be, questioning myself only as critical moments approach? 

Not putting thoughts into necessary consideration just because I didn't want to? 

Ha! How like me.

Sometimes (with a frightening increase in frequency) I wish for someone to go spoil to. But this is probably only because I feel (am?) displaced from a place of comfort and security. I fancy that to be not far from the truth. 

Saying I am like a kitten kicked out of home and made to fend for myself would be unfair to those who are more similar to that situation than I. 

Perhaps that is what Byakko felt in his short residency in my place of study. Unanchored. Dislodged. Uncertain. 

Assimilating my feelings as a cat's seems terribly like regression and retreat from the actual truth, doesn't it. I am doing more and more of it. It's avoidance to pacify myself; fooling myself into thinking problem further diagnosed and closer to recovery is something that served me well in the past. 

What wonderful habit with such wonderous personality. 

Commentary Venting Anger on Our New Aggie Cartoonists

Amongst other things, I really regret not at least trying to out-compete one or more of our school newspaper's cartoonist.

Why?

One artists' first comic strip ('Life in General') is about her not having any ideas for one and begging for love from readers. Comp

letely uncute and the egocentricity leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like those self-important kids in Gaia. The dialogue is too small (poorly planned out panels) and she places too much unnecessary details into the strip.

'CannDeeCorn' really irritated me probably because it is not even stupid. It's dull. Maybe the cartoonist is trying to do reflect school life and comment on attitude or something, but

 it didn't make sense; the students looks apathetic, not depressed! The simplicity and featureless style is not bad, but as a result, the details on the face, especially the mouth, stood out so much that it really bothers me. And there's not enough contrast between the focus (the prof.) and the mass (the students). And honestly, usually it's the back row that gets the shading, not the front. So the "..." in the back didn't stand out at all. Just, gah, no thought into it at all. So annoying thoughtless.

Yesterday's 'Iron Easily' is okay in the way chit-chat is okay—it's not funny or of substance, but it's very very mildly entertaining. At least it was zero rather than a negative. Because he used a slanted brush to line, doesn't systematically close his lines, draws everything in roundish free form, and no tone at all, had I had trouble distinguishing his furniture with his people.

'The Kids Aren't All Right' is not even worth commenting on. I'll pretend it doesn't exist.

Monday's 'Confounding Variables' is...in development. Style, planning, lining, printing,...everything. This is the first strip, but it reads like the readers are supposed to know what's going on already. Makes me think that she is a freshmen and this is her experience as the older sibling. Not cute. Especially when I believe that she's portraying herself as a wise older sib whom the younger seeks advice from. Not cute, not funny. I feel that something is missing between panel two and three. It'd probably benefit from some reaction from the younger sib before the older tells the younger to untie her. Oh, and the forehead bothers me, but that's a stylistic thing, so fine. (BTW, she's a sophomore in class standing.)

'Square One' is cute though. Teehee, secret weapon (is ten). It would be even better if she had some depth to her panels (crosshatches, shading, variation on line thickness) so it doesn't look as incomplete. But hey, best I've seen so far!

Other stuff: Hand-written dialogues are only fine if the artists' handwriting is like print. Like an architect's handwriting, with less swoosh. Or rather, consistent, unobtrusive, and doesn't stand out (as bad, messy, girly, fat, skinny, uneven, etc, etc.) I'm really sick of reading shoddy type. 'Nearing Acheron' was so much more pleasant.

HAI I SPENT $55 ON COPICS TODAE. LOLOLOLOLOL.

I realized, with some degree of disgust, that I am feeling accomplished from a ridiculously small amount of interpersonal communications. 3 phone calls, 2 emails, and one meeting today. Oh, and another call shall be made...oh, fine, I'll do it now.

I wonder what happened to me.

Probably on a lost track not to where I had hoped.

Talk about my cowardice should not be surprising now.

So easily lured by the easiest way out (by neglect).

Putting up a brave, mature front isn't very fun.

But not doing so is more stupid.

Current situation requires "independence" and "maturity" so the Parents would not worry.

"How is it going?" "Oh, just as usual."

...

Ah, it seems that not only have I screwed my own life up, I am also making it worse by still not being able to talk about it.

Damn that pride to the deepest reaches of the Mariana Trench.

Having The Cat with me makes me better and worse all at the same time.

Banned Heinz Mayo Advert: "Ain't you forgetting somethin'?!"

Heinz Deli Mayo Advert


The Wright Stuff on the pulled mayo commercial in question:


What LJ: furiosity said is so true:

The thing is, it's fairly obvious that the point of the ad is that if you use Heinz Deli Mayo, your creations will be indistinguishable from those prepared in authentic New York delis, so much so that even your family will mistake you for one of those dudes who work in New York delis, accent and all. It doesn't require Mummy and Daddy to explain gay people to Little Joanie unless they choose to. And if Mummy and Daddy are too dumb to work this out, damn, I wish they hadn't bred in the first place. Poor Joanie.

I don't think Heinz necessarily had to pull the commercial because of 200 complaints (since it's a small number and they spent the money on the commercial already), but hey, what do I know about big advertising businesses and their business model?

Typical Student Emotion

And here I spray my pomegranate juice all over the laptop.

Through DJ:Missamy, WP:David's logbook

New school semester:


At the first week:


At the second week:


Before the mid-term test:


During the mid-term test:


After the mid-term test:


Before the final exam:


Once know the final exam schedule:


7 days before final exam:


6 days before final exam:


5 days before final exam:


4 days before final exam:


3 days before final exam:


2 days before final exam:


1 day before final exam:


A night before final exam:


1 hour before final exam:


During the final exam:


Once walk out from the exam hall:


After the final exam, during the holiday:

cross-sprayed juice over in LJ, too.

So let's recap(itulate) a little, without chronology, with a touch of melancholy self-hating, shall we?

This is point in time is not quite the end yet, so I shall reign in the reflections for a couple more days. But ruminations are certainly permissible, I think.

I walked out of Genetics final feeling quite lost and with plenty of regret. I am done with the class—the one (real) class that I enjoyed—and I prepared far too inadequately for it. Not as inadequate as the studying I tend to do for o-chem, but the guilt is worse. They weren't difficult questions, but only being able to recall the page and recognize the questions (the same questions) without the capacity to recall the details and the actual answer sits more heavily on my conscience than walking out of a(n) (o-chem) test knowing I have failed because I had absolutely no inkling to the answer.

I probably have grown quite attached to the professor, too. He was incredibly willing to share what he knows, and will answer questions beyond what was asked. My relatively numerous (but can still be counted on one hand) number of not-relevant-to-test-material-but-related questions probably facilitated that. He's also the adorable bumble-y grandfatherly types with a good sense of humor and love of metaphors...and I think I'm somewhat more easily attached to parental figures these days.

So tired and down but I know I shouldn't be.

I just felt like I failed the professor, the parents, and the self because I didn't study enough when I bloody knew my capabilities are far from my performance today. I know I can be brilliant, and there was absolutely no excuse for getting less than 95% today because all the answers were there and available and are things I have seen and should have remembered. And from what I've seen, calculated, and went through, I don't think there's really a chance for his curve to keep my grade in the borderline A-/A range (in which case I think I have accumulated enough "extra" points for an A).

Disappointment to the world, I am.

Self-hatred? Check.

(Too consumed to even talk about the internet problem anymore)

TW, DW related FLAIL.

Three in the morning is really a bad time (or the best time) to go completely squee at the Doctor Who season 4 mid-season trailer and John Barrowman's interview, in which he talks about Scott and Torchwood season 3.

Rose looks completely kick-ass (pardon the lack of better vocabulary) and...squee, can't wait!

Stephen Moffat taking over RTD as Doctor Who's executive producer is also not disappointing. Moffat's series plotting skills have yet to be seen, but he wrote some of the very best episodes, so no complain there.

AND WHERE CAN I FIND THE READY STEADY COOK EPISODE WITH BARROWMAN?? (immediately gets distracted by David Tennant cooking)

[insert major flailing here]


(post cross-flailed)

Drug(s).

It seems I had forgotten the wonderful wonders of CAFFEINE. COFFEE.

But it's been rediscovered. And now I'm running on no dinner and two cups of (barely passable instant) coffee and will be looking towards a third. Now I know the secret to O-Chem motivation: get high on caffeine. It's actually interesting and fun given that I'm awake and slightest bit giddy.

About time to pop another Ibuprofen, too, it seems. Can feel it in the lower abdomen (uterus) and lower back already...This stuff's punctuality is to be admired. Every six hours, on the dot, number of recommended tablets notwithstanding.

I know I have a third bag of instant somewhere around here. If not, I'll just beg Kitsu for her grounded ones.

Blogs, blogs, blogs

I have been dusting off my web-coding hat all afternoon-evening. The Livejournal/Deadjournal/Insanejournal/JournalFen/commiejournal system finally made enough sense for some starter customization—I will definitely churn out at least one LJcode-based layout by the end of summer. I've finally chanced upon JF opening their accounts after about a year of periodical lurking, and have discovered Commiejournal on the way—so far it has the best free account offer: 100 userpics as well as S1 style creation (S2 style creation seems to be a paid feature across the board with varying degrees of freedom for S1).

I'm learning so damn much looking at LJ: smallwaldo's source code. And the most wonderful thing? Its code is actually very neat and organized unlike some of the disgraces I've seen. Maybe that's my lack of expertise speaking.

Blogger, despite being vastly different, remains my favourite. I will not abandon you, love, never ♥ Wordpress is definitely pretty though; I will look into its coding once I settle the others.

I was fiddling with this blog's template and itched to click the "randomize blog colors" link, and after a couple of clicks and some minor adjusting, this new color scheme is the result. I still cannot figure where the code for the top (now dark gray) bar is. This requires moar research.

Ah, so yes, I've rediscovered the passion that is website coding.

Doctor Who 4.04, 4.05, and 4.06

4.04 & 4.05 have their brilliant moments, including the Return of the Valiant, the UNIT caps, Ross Jenkins(♥!), Gramps (as always), the last Martha/Martha bit, and the cyberconversion unit, redecorated by the Sontarans with bits of blue light, in no particular order.

4.06 is rather cute. The death bit and the death and Martha bit were unconvincing and skimpy to say the least, but the rest was cute. Jenny was cute ♥ Donna is still absolutely wonderful and lovely. Go forth and wow those geniuses with your wonderful menial office worker knowledge! Oh, and I just had a horrific thought of dubbing Jenny as the Nurse (cringes).

I will really really miss Tennant when he leaves Doctor Who.

Life Upgrades

To much of the general population's (pop.: 1) disappointment, there is an absolute lack of upgrades on this life at this moment. Still jobless, work-less, hopeless (at oChem), and feeling semi worthless. All in a day's work.

Summer classes have been set: Intro to Psychobiology and Neurobiology for Summer Session I and nothing for SSII. I shall look into ceramics, crafts, traveling, LABWRK (!!!!!), and etc for said latter half of summer.

In entertainment news: after my period with classical music, first with Beethoven/William Kempf then with George Winston, I began to devote much time to Barrowman (the lack of shame and all), which now lead to flirting with Cole Porter, swing, musicals. Oh, and I'm being rapidly charmed by Kevin Kline.

And I hold firm in my opinions regarding Barrowman—he is great for the entertainment factor (because he is reasonably skilled and has no shame) but still looks funny. I think it's his mouth and chin.

In other entertainment news: Elijah Wood and the return of David Tennant on The Friday Night Project. Watching FNP on the internet means there are no commercials, but more often than not I find myself taking more than designated commercial breaks all the same. They tend to get rather overwhelming. The Elijah Wood epidsode has been pretty good so far, but not nearing the humor of the Tennant ones. Probably because Wood still gives off an air of...greenness. Neither shameless (JB) nor wittily dignified(?) (DT) enough to make the show show interesting. I'm so horrible.

Dear olfactory nerves, taste buds, & co.,

I know, sinuses are absolutely abominable. They are evil buggers who are keeping us from being together, as is our destiny. Our brothers are fighting day and night with their lives to drive those scoundrels out of our territory. Love—I, too, hope the day will come soon.

Everyday is as if I lost a limb, for I cannot live without you.

Be brave! We shall all do our best in face of our greatest adversary yet!


Kisses,
The rest of the collective

Dear olfactory nerves, taste buds, & co.,

Hai. Whatever I did wrong, I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Please come back.

I miss u. Nothing is the same without you guys.


Love,
PcBY

Man given heart of suicide victim marries donor's widow and then kills himself in exactly the same way | the Daily Mail

■ Man given heart of suicide victim marries donor's widow and then kills himself in exactly the same way | the Daily Mail

:] This makes going into a biological field all worth it.

veedeeohs: Papa, Don't Preach Like You Comment, plzkthx

■ What If You Spoke Like You Commented?

■ Jack? Is keeping his baby
Artist, Song: Madonna - Papa Don't Preach
Fandom: Torchwood, Doctor Who
Mpreg. (Hey, Jack insinuated about that before...)

Oh, and BTW, mpreg in the news. We'll see if it's fake tomorrow, on Fool's Day.

News: Mpreg is real!

■ She's pregnant, but she's a man - Unusual Tales - Specials - smh.com.au

Video: How To Give A Great Man To Man Hug

How To Give A Great Man To Man Hug

I am ridiculous. Thinking that the place I should write it down here, get it out, something, is more of a ridiculous notion. Writing detaches me from my issues, and I really think I've had enough of detachment and avoiding the fucking problem (whatever it is). Logic has told me my own ruined state and that I am really being stupid and so cowardly over everything, thank you. More filing things (feelings) away is not going to quite enough anymore.

I hate having to hold up and be a fucking adult. So much, so much, because I am not one. I don't feel like one, don't want to be one. I just want to be five again. I don't want to stare myself and see every. thing. that went wrong, that I messed up, that I must carry the burden of, that I ran away from, that I cheated out of.

Yet, having lived two decades (a fact that cannot be reversed), I would hate to be helpless and be unwillingly dependent.

I thought I was fine. I thought I have gotten over things, forgotten and filed away. I though I wasn't so deeply entrenched then. After all, calling things off was easy. So easy. It was the best thing to be done for all. I still stand by my decision then, but the poison dug and burrowed deeper than I expected.

And it so casually prods and tugs on designated days.

Impulsive drowning and projecting, I know, is not the cure. But it helps. Oh it helps so much.

恋や思う存分からの幸せの貪欲は溢れているよ。

Another Side. John Barrowman.

I am so fucking pathetic.

Macrosclarids and Cotyledons

I finally realized the detrimental effects of an undemanding plant biology course has on me. As a warning to all others, I have listed below are several symptoms that may indicate a plant biology course gone wrong:
» Eating sweet peas and think, "thank you macrosclarids and palisade parenchyma for standing up to my poor cooking skills and not go all soft and mushy on me!"
» Eating cashews and think, "mmm...cotyledons....mmm plant babies are yummy."
» Attempting to write erotic drabble on cashews.
» Attempting to write erotic drabble on yogurt.

It is my utmost sincere wish that others would learn a lesson through me and recognize these symptoms before it's too late.

[/nuttiness]

I'm in love.

Can't get enough
Creamy white and smooth skin,
Snippy and tart, but with a soft, yielding body
with just enough sweetness underneath.

I'm in love
With my homemade yogurt.


I promise I'll work on my food erotica poems a little harder next time.

ArtRec: LOOKLOOKLOOOOOOKIT'SMYGIFTARTANDIT'SAWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Strongest Wind
Gift for: pcby
Artist:
Rating:: G
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts 2
Characters: Sora
Warnings: None n_n
Artist notes: Brush and pattern are from 77words
Summary:There were a few fandoms I was familiar with, but Kingdom Hearts just stuck out the most. ^^ I tried to sneak around and find out just what PcBY liked as far as KH2 goes, but I fail at ninja-secret santa research. Still, I wanted to make something calming and cheerful! Something that says, "Be strong! Good luck with this coming New Year!". Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I barely squeezed out a couple comments of thank you in the eminent urge to just go ash;fawnmwa,s hawfh wl and explode into a pile of gibbering parts.

I think I feel a little bad for not putting more requests in fear of lack of compatibility...seems like my santa was also a little lost as to how to draw something suitable...oops.

I feel all bubbly inside now. Can't wait until the reveals so I can go stalk my ninja secret santa ♥

Bill Clinton at UC Davis.

I was there. The line went all the way round the football soccer field and the ARC, then back at where the like started. Luckily, I was at where the end met the beginning, and when they opened the door, we cut! Good thing I was stupid and went around the lines looking for the end and didn't just line up when I did see the end of the line...

A friend had housemates who started lining up at 4pm, so he was right. in. front. of. Bill. LoL.

I was upstairs, towards the right from Bill's perspective...on the bleachers.



■ abc7news.com: Bill Clinton campaigns at UC Davis

Zimbardo!

■ The Monthly interview: Philip Zimbardo.

■ The Lucifer Effect

I am sickened.

House of Rep Resolution 888--One Step Closer to the Edge (to Theocracy in the U.S.)

■ H. RES. 888

Affirming the rich spiritual and religious history of our Nation's founding and subsequent history and expressing support for designation of the first week in May as `American Religious History Week' for the appreciation of and education on America's history of religious faith.

1st| 1st week of May? Reminds me of China's Golden Week holiday they just got rid of...

2nd| Note: referred to the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform

3rd| Urgh. The amount of "picking bones from a chicken egg" is ridiculous. Supposedly there are also historical errors, but I do not know enough to make that judgment. But the word manipulation is...urgh.

4th| "...2) recognizes that the religious foundations of faith on which America was built are critical underpinnings of our Nation's most valuable institutions and form the inseparable foundation for America's representative processes, legal systems, and societal structures..." Um, what? Without the believe in a Christian God there would not have been government processes, systems, and SOCIETAL STRUCTURES?!? (headdesk)

5th| So...we are to recognize and celebrate Christianity as the dominant belief of lawmakers and country leaders in the United states, and thereby making it an important point of recognition, a tradition,...a permanence?

6th| I have no issues with people's religious faith in Christianity nor America's background in it. It's even fine that a Christian leader refers to his [Christian] god in speech (its existence in the American parole is common enough, even among non-believers). Their speeches and choice in diction represents their backgroundBut writing and proposals like this one just makes Christians look like lunatics in the Middle East.

7th| It's not as egocentric as HRES 847, but that makes HRES 888 scarier. (Good thing someone thought to cross out what they did on HRES 847, though, LoL, because that bit makes them sound like fanatics.

8th| Regarding the (Christian) Religion being an important aspect of historical figures: Yes, they were very religious, but they did have a conscious separation between religion and government. Well, back then it was concern over power of the church taking over power of government. But today? As the resolution points out, it's not made separate (and therefore deserves recognition). The power of the church has become covert and is asserting conscious force to move the government in one direction, which is different from the beliefs of leaders back then influencing how certain oaths were done.

9th| WTF

10th| What is the christian faith teaching these guys that are making them so intolerant, so egocentristic, so...much like a bully?

It's raining inside, too.

To be completely, absolutely, positively, and whateverelsely truthful, I don't hate going to school, going to classes. What I hate is being apart from my parents and having to fend for myself, alone.

Knowing that I am capable makes matters worse. Because then I can't be as selfish as I would like to.

Finally finished my craptastic yuletart gift. It turned into a crappy, unfinished doujin even after 4 nights plus one all-nighter to finish. And people wonder why I think I can't draw.

Driving ～ワクワク～

...First day of the year, first time driving this whole winter break. There was just too much junk going on.

AND!

Today also marks the first painless driving session. (A good start for the new year?!)
New stuff: 3 point turn, parallel parking (with no cars), driving home from DMV. (Complimented on! whoot!)

Gah, now I gotta really finish the yuletart gift. I think I went overboard. -___-;;