PS3 Games: 2, PS3 Console: 0

Got my second PS3 game today: Katamari Forever for $16.36! (It's $16.79 in Amazon right now.)

...yet I still have to get a PS3... >_>

Also, I'm not sure whether or not this is going into Timmy's game collection, which would be a problem if I get my own PS3.

Anyway, Katamari Forever ♥


x-posted.

I hate myself for not being able to sound more happy, but it's hard when i feel so subpar despite all efforts to help. And that makes me feel like crap more.

I really hate feeling so desperate and lonely like this.

I prohibited myself to do everything.

The worst kind of guiltily procrastinating turns everything shitty and ruins every activity.

Dinner tiems!

I still can't believe how steaming chicken in rice is so ridiculously delicious and easy, even after years of doing it.
Also, the asparagus tasted good because it tasted like butter, sesame oil, and fermented tofu. Surely that's not how it's mean to be eaten, though.

The temperature was in the mid-twenties in the evening. Ridiculous.

It's NOVEMBER. NOVEMBER! Girls are still wearing tank tops and shorts, and I'm not layering five layers on top and two on the bottom.

Not that I mind, but it's November! The month before December!

Mrow. So tired. When will I be able to run and not be tired? ′Д`;;;

Cross-post.

Run #4 Seem like I've been running for so long...

2.8mi/4.5km in 35min (4.8mph/7.7kmph), the first stretch (1.1mi/1.8km) in 16 minutes (4.1mph/6.75kmph).

Yeah, I felt more tired and slower, definitely. Was going to run a even smaller loop (~, but didn't figure out were to go beforehand, so only the loop around Northstar park/drainage pond was omitted.Also, met 3 people running/biking opposite direction of me, twice each.

Maybe it's the rather warm and humid weather, but I sweat much more during the run today. And my bruised toe, which was bruised during my first or second run, is hurting again :\ I might have made it worse.  Not sure what's wrong with my posture, but I do feel more cramping on my left foot during running... What's wrong wif meh!?

My subconscious keeps thinking I ran some time between the first and second run, and thus keep numbering my runs wrong.

Run #3 What's this—I'm still running?

3.7mi/6km in 45 minutes (4.9mph/8kmph), first stretch (1.3mi/2.1km) in about 11-12 minutes (6.5mph/10.5kmph)
Finally feel like I'm actually running.
The simultaneous sensation of being thirsty and needing to pee is unpleasant.
Also, picked up a credit card around the complex. Will turn in with rent tomorrow, since I can't exactly find this person on facebook. Actually, I just messaged her. She has an interesting family name..

Run #2 I'm going to get tired of logging this soon

50-55min
3mi/4.5km
3.6mph/5.4kmph

Whut? D: I was running longer stretches, too DDDDD:
Granted my diaphram started hurting towards the middle and forced me to walk for a while...

We skipped over autumn again.

It has gotten cold. My bed isn't warm enough and I shiver frequently now.

Go away, white fat!
Build up, brown fat!

First time jogging in eight years

Total of 6.2mi/10km. 4mph/6.7kmph

And this is what I accomplished in 90 minutes. Kept getting lost, stopped to observe wildlife, and spent 10 minutes of that time to play with Simba the kitty (Kitty #4). Saw a hawk--probably a merlin, lots of Canada geese (and another oddly coloured one...not sure what it is), house finches, 5 cats, maybe 6 or 7 squirrels, etc.

Now I will never walk again. Good thing I have no classes tomorrow and it's predicted to rain. >_>;;;

I figure that I should be able to run on most days if my legs aren't dead and I don't have lab. We'll see about tomorrow and Saturday.

That said, though, I probably jogged 2/3 of that distance, interspersed with walking breaks every 5 minutes or so. So lame.

Damn, couldn't get Wednesdays off, after all :\

No early Thanksgiving break for me :\

'Splody hand.

The portion of my right hand under the ring finger has been aching since two days ago. At first I thought it was just from bowling on Friday, but the eczema flared up last night--the finger swelled enough to cut off circulation to the tip of my finger, itched enough that I couldn't sleep, and oozed enough cellular fluid or leukocytes to soak through two tissues.

The swelling and itching didn't go down after applying fluocinonide and started exploding oozing after I put on hyrdocortisone in desperation, despite knowing that it had only made the eczema worse in the past.

The tingling fingertip scared me, but I had no way to share because it was 2am and I had no internet.

My cat and I are similar.

We both attach so intensely, to so few.

We both start missing those we love and rely on
in fear and anticipation of parting.

It doesn't matter that it shouldn't be possible.

All I feel is my extra bits of stomach and the distance we will soon have between us.

They are dominating my motivation and necessity to accomplish.

The Joy of computers

I knows the meaning of it.

I'm rather pleased by the Lenovo Ideapad Y560 I received from UPS today. I'd been waiting all Labour Day weekend for it since it arrived in a check-in station 20 minutes away from my dwellings. Technically, my Dad received it for me since I was away in the Sunset-Richmond area for some free museum touring and didn't come back until almost midnight.

But yaaaaay, computer. I'd been giddy--pawing at T and wagging my invisible tail--every time I saw a laptop today.

Nice, pretty computer. I didn't want to worry about how it'd look because I know I would obsess otherwise, but it's actually pretty nice. It's actually pretty suitable to my tastes. It matches with my phone but hopefully not down to the cracks. Anyway, too tired to stuff my computer full of programs before some sleep right now.

Darkness is my friend. So is the TV

The sun was too bright this morning at eight. It pierced through my eyelids every time my barrier of pillows and blankets collapsed. It never bothered me before. Now the ceiling light is causing the same problem. Too bright. Maybe watching too much House does this.

I should be slaying demons in style instead.

After 23 million seconds

In truth, often I don't think I know how to have a healthy, close relationship with others properly. Don't even believe I can do it even when I think about it. There's always something excessive or lacking about them.

Makes me grateful and undeserving of the happiness I have received.

I am torn by the decision between distressing over the drastically quick and uncharacteristic way I've attached to That Guy and discarding the deep emotions that belatedly manifested in my life for a more agreeable personality.

The Guy thinks it's not much of a problem but I should do something about it.

I wasn't the least bit hungry until that last bit came out, despite only having had one meal nine hour ago in the last day. Stomach is more interested in food now, but Brain is still pretty meh about it.

Runaway Child

Can't help but think that I had just been doing voluntary work that went unappreciated during these past few days. Later, despite of actually having given advance notice, the higher power was angered from my phelgmatic delinquency of not promptly returning home, choosing instead to spend time socializing with friends and not be holed up at 'home' with a rather undesirable living and social arrangement.

What the bloody hell did I do wrong now?

Sweating like a cat.

For the first time since I've been back home, the weather feels like summer. Summery weather will persist until tomorrow, at least, and...it seems that I'll be heading in to forty-something degree weather tomorrow. At least after tomorrow, the difference in weather will not be that great from home?

In other news, this is the longest I've been on a computer in one session for more weeks that I care to count. Oh, what a blissful nine hours. Thank you for the early registration time, administrators. Thank you for giving me an excuse.

Catching up

Comic Con. (4-5 weeks ago)
Dad's computer died. (While I was in San Diego)
My computer died. (3 weeks ago)
Started going back up Davis weekly for research group meeting. (3 weeks ago)
Started obsessing over making Japanese cooking.
Car got a headlight knocked off in our own driveway by family. (Tuesday)
Got into accident on the way back from Davis. (Thursday)

I feel useless. I AM useless, severed from everything, sitting out the days as everyone outside the perimeters moves by and moves on.

Headachey since I was woken up at 11 to go to Half Moon Bay for fresh fish. Pretty sure it's just low blood sugar and a relative lack of sleep before we got back and got something in me. But I've hd low energy all day, and twelve hours after waking up, the headache returned.

I'm supposed to be out on a Godfather marathon mystery night by 10am tomorrow, but I have heard nothing of it since a five days ago and is not even sure if it'll be happening. I do believe the bunch of them are having a reunion of sorts tonight, though, so they'll probably not appreciate disturbances.

I love finding things.

Whether it's a couple of bucks in my old coat pocket or a new trail I always just pass by, the sense of excitement that comes with these little discoveries never left with the years. 

AND NOW.

I have found my very old livejournal, hotmail, and AIM accounts that I've forgotten passwords to. Oh man, this is exciting, like some leisurely detective work. By the way, I had to re-create my hotmail account in order to retrieve my livejournal password. My AIM email, however, remains to be discovered. 

Phlegmy gloom.

I wish that am relatively decent at something capable of occupying my hands and thoughts during these sluggish and dispassionate spells. At least I won't feel so disengaged the moment my brain gives out on studying, learning, and reading.

Feels like the price of any chance of involvement is a huge quantity of energy and distance covered (and money)...and I've run out of steam. Really really want to keep it up, but I'm so tired of being the one going, even if it is a more ideal location. Don't have the endurance.

I have a hard time believing in the strength of bond that I was told still exists despite the distance and the lack of history. Bullshit, I wanted to scream.

ETA: He really didn't understand. But that's okay. I've conceded to my awkwardly skeptical views on social bonds long ago. That sounds depressing, but I'm not sure if that's better than saying I really just believe in my own unworthiness.

Ow.

Just thought the world should know.

Oops, the plan to keep updated on my trip just pretty much fell flat...again. We'll see what'll happen with it. >_>;

The spot we went to, Mesa Arch, is not meant to be a snapshot spot. Chinese tourists are fucking irritating too. Seriously, I'm really hating the people in this tour. Uncivilized--or too civilized--mongrels with no respect for people and nature.

On the bus bright and early. I've decided that I've had enough of that kid who takes to too much space--I'm going to try to get an unassigned seat in the back from now on. It's not like parents care. I've also quickly decided that I don't like the twentysomethings now in front of me.

Went to see Delicate Arch! Went 1.5mi uphill with an elevation change of 480ft--body will give me hell tonight, but so worth it. Would have loved to see sunset there too...maybe next time. I've got salt crystals on me from my cooling system, lol. Probably the only place with enough time because there are plenty of others with worse physiques. Most of the kids went up first (I was leading most of the time, Haha), and dad's in worse shape than he thought--was even making 'evaluations' of others' abilities before the trek uphill. Apparently, someone thought I just graduated from high school. Good to know that I look somewhere between 16 to 18 to others. Or maybe I just act too juvenille to be college graduate. It's nice. Hope it keeps up forever. The area around the arches is freeing, beautiful, grandiose, hella windy, and so alive. Unlike earlier, at Park Avenue, where we got only 20minutes and definately not enough time to satisfy my deep compulsion to wall down the trail, down through the valley, and between the gates. The Chinese buffet for dinner today wasn't half bad. Better than anything expected in Utah. Delicious watermelon and beef belly/daikon potroast. Also, it's been too long since we got proper amount of vegetables.

Waking at 04:00 tomorrow to see sunrise over another arch. Wish me luck. Really can't sleep late tonight. Ooh, the motel says they have got breakfast. Does it mean they will have SAUSAGES tomorrow?!

There's no network up on Mesa Verde. Went to Spruce Tree House, a Pueblo housing community. Will have to detail it later. Our guide wasn't clear enough and caused the mother and (high functioning autistic) daughter to get lost. Mesa Verde is, as the name implies, green. Low shrubs and medium sized trees, growing on white sandstones that can be oxidized rusty red by fires. Blocky, layered sandstones forms the straight cliffs and giant steps that the greenery liberally decorates. Sometimes the sharp cliffs poke out from the otherwise smooth looking hills like exposed supports poking out of an extensive moss lawn. I can sort of understand why the Pueblo people chose to build dwellings as they did.

Man, I got too excited about the breakfast this morning--set alarm to wake up early, only to find that they don't have sausages. Or hash browns. At least they have eggs, I guess. There wasn't much time even with my ten minute headstart... Portugal vs N.Korea this morning, ending in 7:0. Guess N.Koreans won't get to watch FIFA after all. Didn't have internet in the room and was too lazy to go outside last night, so yesterday's bits will have to wait.

This is not a vacation. It's a 'run-through' of what could be a fun and leisurely vacation. Doesn't help that mother tends to do whatever she wants, father follows, so I end up feeling alone and a little neglected. Father especially stops listening and interrupts almost constantly when mother's around. I do nothing right anymore; nothing mentioned is acceptable, and everything else is not given attention or response. This is too tiring and stressful. Do they not see that i'm not sole perpetrator of the strain and that behavioural conditioning does not work when I'm not rewarded and convinced that they just don't care? This trip is not being fun. I'm sight seeing, but there's no appreciation of it.

That damned raven was mocking me! Only doing its panting thing after I got on the bus. I missed a really good photo-op of it staying still in the air less than 10 feet from of too...couldn't find it in the screen...;__;

Stop5: dinner: first time at Panda Express--it's really mediocre. Father didn't want to walk a couple of blocks for burgers again, even if it's In-n-Out. Went to Walmart for breakfast tomorrow since it's not included--Strawberries, slightly raw bananas, and V8. At least there's free internet. Back in hotel room now. Will be departing at 7am tomorrow for more bus ride to Sedona, AZ

Stop2: our bus of 45 plus another greyhound stopped at Burger King for lunch. We get 35min. There's a section reserved for bus drivers. Whoever put up the promotion poster for their Twilight event obviously didn't like the series much--the overlay is flipped backwards. This is our second break since our last pickup stop in Fremont. Most of the tour is composed of old Taiwanese people, average around 55 maybe. Mother and I each stole a crown.

After stopping at three more stops since San Mateo for other tour people, we've departed for Needles, AZ, for our first night's stay. Tour guide KHsu currently telling us not to use bus toilet ('steaming cake') unless necessary to keep bus from stinking 'like cake' (with accompanying obligatory horror stories). I'm surprised I could understand Mandarin as well as I did without close captioning. The gramps behind me repeats everything KHsu says.

...is having multiple personal crisis stemmed from the graduation party, wtf.

This is pin a lie.

Tired. So tired. And I'm not even done yet.

All I have to show for only sleeping 2.5 hours the day before recieving my undeserved alumni pin is a self-decorated tassel, because I couldn't be bothered to order the shiny symbol of ΨΧ.

I probably should see what can be moved back so junk doesn't clutter the world next six months.

It's done, but not quite.

It's strange to go through the motions of completion, yet..somehow there's really little to show for it. Besides, I'm not even quite done.

Oh well, at least this part is finished.

It's not about this blog.

I tagged all my posts according to their respective subjects in very thinly-veiled pseudonyms (I was never one for creative naming), added some recent thoughts and investigations of the self, then took everything off public eyes. I have yet to work on my backlog entries. But as soon as the opportunity comes, it shall be written. There is too large a void in that important period of time and it is really time I face my own mess rather than landing in the neurotic level of defence mechanisms at every turn. It's time to move onto some sublimations.

But to the point of this post: I am highly amused that the largest fraction of posts so far is of the Nerdinator. Yeah, you know who.

I foresee that to change as time goes on and perhaps when I finish my backlog, but the blunderings of a sixteen-year-old self really does not cease to amuse.

One more serious matter: in the beginning, I wrote because I could not let my hair down just a little. Now I write because I still can't let my hair down completely to at least one person in this world. I wonder if that person will ever happen.

I'm not the only one who can you that I run, run, run, intellectualizing and isolating where I can, suppressing where I cannot.

As if feeling rules were not competently learnt.

Affect display requires sincere affect in the first place.
Internal sources disturb the baseline, seeking attention and expression but only feels like a strong general sense of wrong;
External sources are even more so frightening in its perceptibility. (They are either masked by my egoism, deep beyond my capabilities to accept, or suspected to be not really what's happening.)
(So maybe it's just easier to not deal with the can of worms.)

Isolation is so easy.

Rather than say that my life is hectic, maybe it just needs a bit of sorting out to comb out the tangles in the thought trails and find my goals and locale on life again...

I need to relearn how to keep a straight, prioritized thought in my head and finish it.
There is much to sort, much to say.

Confession: I have a criminally intense interest in people. At the utmost general, trying to understand people and their thoughts and behaviours is why I'm studying what I am studying now. In the utmost specific, I have a drive to know about the processes and history of ones closest to me.

Problem: I don't like committing nosey acts, but nor do I understand the socially acceptable line between caring/casual inquiries about close friends and snooping. Perhaps my tendency to keep to myself plays a part.

Fear: But the intense curiosity about closer others sometimes eats away at me. I do not have much in the way of drama and life (and I seek to avoid it), What if I lose control over my curiosity and went too far?

No, absence of awareness of my inquires should not be a justification.

Misdemeanor: My legs shook with guilt of my weakness and tightening of innards from the blurred boundary between sadness and pull of curiosity, tinged with jealousy of more the capability of feelings and daring and than of the history themselves.

Sometimes I wonder if there's really something differently constructed about me in that minute way that makes it hard for me to truly be comfortable talking about the important things. Put enough trust in others to being understanding, non-judgemental, and believe that they care enough. Because most often, there's always this twinge of mistrust from me, projected onto others.

I fear non-acceptance when I am unattached.
I fear loss and instability of that sole source when I am.

Invariably, everything becomes a quest about the inadequacies of the self. Properties, behaviours, abilities, capabilities...there's always a lack of a certain something.

And always with an oxymoronic fear and disgust about my egoistic and juvenile preoccupying thoughts.

Caching in and catching up on sleep

I've been awake for 6.5 hours thus far today, and I'm foreseeing about 8 hours total of awake time at the most, considering how I'm already sleepy after my accidental 3-hour nap. Granted that this is potentially used for flu and general recovery from the past two weeks, it's probably fair.

Ah, went to FIRST SVR yesterday. Wanted to go Friday and deal with some paperwork on the way, but was too dizzy from the flu to drive back on Thursday. Early finals times are a mixed blessing.

Vacation until the twenty-eighth. Must use this time to do all the backlogged drawing and webby stuff.

Medicine, shower, phone call, then sleep again.

So sleepy.

D: (And of course it has absolutely nothing to do with the alarms)

I'm afraid of leaving my room to make food because I've been hearing frequent coughing from the lungs. This makes at least a week since the coughs started...so please stay home and insist on being visited upon instead—please don't spread the germs and bring others down. It's not a courteous nor polite behavior. In fact, it's a little invasive, so please stop staying over when there's coughing like that already. And since there seems to have no intentions in containing the potential threat to a room, I am now overwhelmed by the need to spray the air with disinfectants from my door to the bathroom, just to make sure that area is safe to walk through.

Hello, Excuse For Distraction

Not that nothing went on in the past year, only that I got lazy and stopped talking about my feelings because there are more people around me now. Also, hello, some form of lack of motivation happened last (school) year. But the brain still fucking refusing to write for school. It's getting worse by the quarter. Perhaps it's time to pick this habitual writing thing up again so five pages won't sound as daunting.

The F applies in multiple meanings and locations.

Found some really embarrassing things I wrote back in 2004-2005 on stray pieces of binder paper, decided to check the blog for old time's sake, and...I think writing a long, long story about myself might be interesting. Just to summarise things from the viewpoint of one nearing her tu-tu's.

On second thought, maybe that's a little too much.

Also will go back to some old entries and comment—some deserve love, retrospectively.

12:17 - After two hours of sleep, I'm back on track in not writing the assignment. After ten years, I'm finally agreeing with Father and admitting that I have problems in articulating my information and ideas for public consumption.

I am drinking beer alone on a Wednesday school night. This may be an indication that some form of self-reflection on socialisation is needed.

But in any case, I know that my fake single lids only turn double when I border on getting a non-functional amount of sleep (read: <6.5 hours), but I can't help but really like it when they look like they are marginally wider ♥♥

I'm turning into a girl °Д°;;

New Year's (non)Resolution.

So it's the new year before I had a chance to write here again. It's been a while since I have been asked about my resolutions, until this year. Maybe that's why my resolutions never work. Or because I really don't have a sense of renewal and fresh start and etcetera sort of thinking to see the new years as an important enough marker. Short term goals based on months seem to work a little better. (hello, quarter system!)

But anyway. I really just want to note down that I heard a very sweet new year's resolution around the new year's hours, and I would like to hear another one next year. (And hope optimism does not come back to bite later). To collaborate, though, I should try to adjust/curb my behaviours and not make the same mistake as before, where I successfully guilted myself into ruins. The elementary schoolboy just takes over in matters like these, haha.

Resolutions:
1. Write more so I hate writing less.
2. Exercise more so it's less of a chore I put off.
3. Write things when I should.
4. Stay relatively afloat even in threat of the schoolboy outbreak.

今年もよろしくお願いでございます！