News: Get a divorce, warm the globe

■ In divorce, even the environment pays a price: A study finds that divorced households spend 46% more per person on electricity than married ones.

Not surprising, but when they word it that way...

"...the highly debated...I mean highly publicly debated issue of global warming..." - Damien Martin, 6 December 07

Tidbits on Final Fantasy, Harry Potter, and etc.

Final Fantasy XII
Started playing it two weeks ago. More than 10 hours into the game and still haven't gotten very far in the story, but that's because there's so much freedom right at the beginning of the game that I've mostly been trying to venture out as far as I can :D Being able to see the foes without needing to go through the battle sequence is very nice, too. The License system is a little confusing, and I'll probably mess up somehow, but it's refreshing. I am ambivalent about needing to buy the skills before using, though. At least now I won't have thousands of dollars just piled up, not being used.

I'm still fuzzy about how license points are rewarded and how it would affect the growth on my party members since there are still only 3 members allowed in an active party but the game is on a real-time battle system. (Gambits are ⌃)

The moogles...aren't so bad anymore. Especially since they can teleport me to places in Rabanastre :D

Final Fantasy VII Ultima
Started playing, but then it started to have more and more errors and unexplained crashes, so it was deleted from my computer. Currently looking forward to FFVII for PS3 instead. (Oh, and I think Cloud's been doing a bit of part time in addition to his delivery service... :))

Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus
I utterly fail at shooting games, even if I've only started the game a little bit after going through the tutorials. I think the game would be more enjoyable if I had actually finished FFVII first...? (see above)

Fabula Nova Crystallis Final Fantasy XIII
So pretty. Me wants.

"HP - what it's really about when you get right down to it" (AKA "Harry Potter in 5 seconds")


Discovered through LJ: Fourth-rose.

Dancing Harry & Draco elves
Um, lol.

etc.
Wah. Lament on my lack of artistic skillz and creativity.

In the four and a half years I've been spewing angst here, I have, if not everything else, learned of one quirk: if I am unable and unwilling to express some recent, dominant thought in words, then it is something that I recognized to be painful. Anger, irritation, silliness, and mild depression are easy to form into words. They are easy to confront, dealt with, and dispelled.

Larger looming issues are not so simple.

But the more I avoid thinking about it, the more urgent and problematic it gets, and the worse the condition it leaves me when I accidentally strikes upon it, or when I couldn't keep from making some connection to said issue.

I fear failing.
I fear falling apart.
I fear rejection.
I fear not being able to manage myself, my life.

So I put it aside, forget about it, pretend everything is just as before, blinding myself from what needs to be done.

...and despair afterwards.

(365*4.5)/646=1642.5/646=2.54days/post

I fear being left alone.
I hate being left alone.
Keeping them here is selfish.
Any other alternative is painful.

My chest aches, really aches, when I think about it.

I know I should not avoid it any longer.
I know avoiding is bad, bad, bad.
But I don't want to think about it, just for a little longer.
The pain is getting worse and worse now. Can't even keep myself it check.
Damn it all.

See, I still can't even address it properly. Can't even structure this into something resembling logic.

This will just come out as ridiculously emo! and silly and stupid and teenage-angsty, but it's nonetheless true: I hate my being. I wish I am not such a disappointment to myself and my parents.

Doctor Five and Ten, a squrriel, and cockroaches.

There's something about Ten telling Five regarding the Master, saying, "No, no beard. Well, a wife" that created outbursts of joy here and here. What's the great revelation? What has been turned from sub-text to text, fanon to canon? I can guess, but I want get the jooooooke....Alas, I am just a "regular viewer" who won't get it. `0`;;;

Doctor Who 4x00 Time Crash here.

In other news, a squirrel has done what even I cannot do and robots proved to be a key to cockroach sociology.

Yuletart recipients assigned!

Ah, so LJ comm: Yuletart sent their exchange assignments a couple days ago and...looks like I've got to work very hard, indeed, if I were to please my recipient.

Out of the list, I have only ever drawn HikaGo seriously, is somewhat familiar with the bolded, is unfamilar with the italicized, and only seen graphics of the regular font-sized ones:

*Avatar: The Last Airbender, *Baten Kaitos, *Code Geass, *Hikaru no Go, *The Legend of Zelda, Planetes, Sailor Moon, Read or Die: The TV, Eureka Seven, *ARIA, Gundam Wing, Kekkaishi, Gunslinger Girl, Pokemon, Samurai Champloo, Nadia and the Secret of Blue Water, Tales of Symphonia, Kingdom Hearts

...and if the asterisked are the preferred fandom, I feel a little pushed to do Hikago, especially since my recipient is a pretty good artist °0°!!!

Well, I suppose some research is in order.


PS: 07-Ghost is already licensed?? D:

tl;dr WARNING

Homoshiroi Made a "TRACING IS NOT ART" stamp a few days ago and has been mildly wanked over. Unsurprisingly, the reaction and positions of the comments mostly reflect those of what I observed over in youtube. In other words (and sorry if I offend), they are quite intolerant, self-asserting, and to some degree, authoritative. The negative atmosphere oozed with defensive possessiveness. Oh, and most agree with the stamp-maker, but that's hardly an interesting or fascinating point to make.

In any case, wank about people tracing over others' art and not giving credit, tracing/modified work as/not as a form of art, its merit or the lack of, examples of such "disgusting" behavior, etc, etc ensues.

Now except for Messa and the above-mentioned artist, both of whom I watch and do not know personally, I don't even know these deviants, so I cannot say whether they are professionals or not. The general atmosphere amounts to be "zOMG, my art. Not yours," which I understand on principle. Whether they see it as an art form or not matters little to me, but I was most unimpressed with their lack of understanding in beginning artists or people who have more trouble translating 3-D visuals/visions into 2-D lines and shapes on some other media. I do not believe that stealing art is right, nor do I believe in not giving credit, seeking permission, or respecting the artists' wish where it is due, but I question whether the root of their discontent arises from profit (in monetary or esteem, etc terms) or from the act itself.

I agreed with Messa quite completely on her opinions on tracing. Let's hear a bit of voice of reason here, here, and here, with the dA policy on tracing here.

¤ Some hatin' because hatin' is infectious.
My brain, however, is experiencing the most cognitive dissonance on this one particular lady, who sounded either elitist or very obstinate; she firmly believed that life drawings and learning from "real artbooks" is the only way to go.

Aside from her stubborn adherence, her point is valid to a certain degree. So I thought to myself, "self, this lady probably has a reason for her fervency and unbending will. Go check out her point from her art, since, hey, she teaches other people to draw, and seems to do art professionally too! What an interesting character! I wonder what her art is like!" (with the most non-sarcastic, sincere frame of mind, I assure you.)

What I found was highly unimpressive. I admit I'm a bit of a whore when it comes to reasonable anatomical proportions (i.e., no weirdly sideways features, etc) and not really a fan of superduperpointy!chin style (like this). I drive myself mad with attempts to make the anatomy as natural as possible. So I completely understand her emphasis on knowing the proper basics.

But if I hadn't read her commentary first, I would never have even fathomed the idea of she preaching about anatomical correctness and learning from "real" art books on anatomy basics, or that she teaches drawing and works professionally as an artist.

Oh, and I wouldn't think she's just full of it because she is only 22, and can't bother to spell "homoshiroi" correctly, either:

"I put homoshoiri's stamp in my journal and commented on it, saying that artbooks are the best learning tool and self-study, then all hell breaks loose with these two kids who, like I said, already proved my point. The problem is, they won't let it go after homoshoiri and even myself said that arguing is moot and shouldn't be done on there, they seem very determined to make themselves out to be some sort of tracing saviors or whatnot...kids these days..."

Arrogance that comes with age is often unavoidable in many. Arrogance of the above is just ridiculous. She is not qualified to throw that "I TEECHES PEEPALS" and "I IS PROFESSHIONOL" crap around.

Oh, and I guess she has no problem with riding on the coattails of Nyu's Art Meme...LoL, even the size of the meme is the same, not to mention the style...

Oh, I will stop because I'm just hatin' on her now. And yeah, I'm not brave, insolent, nor intolerant enough to post this section on dA.

¤ Opinions regaring issues discussed.
On the matter of tracing as a learning tool: I believe that, no, tracing should not be the primary way of learning how to draw. However, tracing has its merits in letting a starting amateur to get a feel of "how things should be"—not every one has an innate talent to transcribe one object's relative position, proportion, etc to begin with. It eases him/her (I'll stick with "her" for the time being) into getting a sense of lines. Of course, moving onto attempting to copy a subject would be wise. Tracing helps me to more quickly understand how some features and perspective works, i.e. why does drawing that other eye that way makes it more natural, etc.) It also a quick way to experience and try out a new style, while merely "eying it" makes me stick to my style more often than not.

A lot of concern is centered around how some people traces and makes derivations of other artwork without crediting, asking for consent, using the same outline, etc (some goes as far as saying the same poses, though the example was either a really bad tracing or copying the poses by eye). Yes, I agree with the fact that a piece is only completely Her Art when she drew it from scratch. But, if she modified it from someone else's, consent from the original artist must be given; the derivative artist must respect the original artist's wishes to credit or not publish. Not doing so would just be bad etiquette, stupidity, and rudeness. If said original artist did not respond to such request, that is the same as a "no" to me. In the case where the artist gives free reign of his work or that it is not possible to contact the original artist (i.e. reference from an anime screenshot), claiming that you used a reference would be preferred, if just to save the derivative artist from flames. Claiming the art as your own and not mentioning the reference part, most of the time, will just cause pain and grief. Especially if the original is heavily referenced.

Just because a piece was heavily referenced doesn't necessarily mean it's bad in my book; it just means that the derivative artist is either 1. not comfortable with her "free forms," 2. completely worships the original artist, 3. is unable to create from scratch (and some people don't prefer to, because of various reasons), 4. wants to imitate a style, or 5. learning. A great example is sprite-making. A lot of times people just alter/recolor/cut-and-paste/mix-and-match the original sprite(s) to make new ones. Whether that is plagiarism another issue.

There's also the issue of copying a style. Some think its wrong because "an artist's gotta develop his own," but this is really a matter of preference. Is a fanart better if it has the artist's own style or is an imitation of the original artist? Different people, at different ages, will give you different answers with different pieces of art.

Perhaps my perspective is just different than the others because I'm quite a recluse amateur. A recluse (by comparison) because I don't think it's good enough to flaunt, because I am constantly improving, because I desire criticism but fear it at the same time, because I can't get my arse together to finish something. I am still at the stage of "hey, I'm no good, so why should I be so possessive with these scribbles?" It's probably much, much different than a popular, skilled artist who constantly has issues regarding art theft (the kind without modification and/or for profit) more commonly.

I think I'm getting really tired—sentences are sporting more and more comma abuses and run-ons.

Scientific Illustration

The BIS1b TA, Fran, said something about UCSC having a masters program on scientific illustration, how she has some contacts for people who are interested in trying, and something about how they are short on people in this field. Then she sent us all links to that program. I knew it's out of my league (I FAIL in detail work), but hey, why not see what it's about?

And the first thought upon seeing the website is: "holy crap, I can't do that. Ever."

Admission Requirements
Admission to the program is limited to 15 students and is by application only. The application deadline for Fall 2008 is March 15. Applicants must have at least a bachelor's degree, preferably in a science, and must be able to demonstrate a strong background in representational drawing, as well as a developed sense of aesthetics. Other degrees are eligible if the portfolio exhibits keen observational skills and if the applicant can demonstrate a strong interest in and understanding of science.

LoL, seriously, who am I kidding. No way I can reach an acceptable level in two years, haha. And I haven't even taken initiatives in trying to get into a research lab. ¬_¬;;;;

Damn that sudden urge to do life drawings. Now. Immediately. (who cares about physics, anyhow?)

(BTW, what I'm listening to is the coolest remix of FFVII's Cosmos Canyon. Voices from the Lifestream is a really well done Compilation of Final Fantasy VII fan remix album)

News: The lefty mysteries

■ The lefty mysteries: In pursuing the "handedness" riddle, scientists are unlocking secrets of the brain, genetics and human diversity.

Fanart rec (?): houseguest!Voldie, Animagus!Lucius/Narcissa, and more

■ "He doesn't want to be a bad house guest u guyzz." (cackles and dies from the "Animagus!"Lucius)

I love Makani, LoL. Her characterizations of the Malfoys and the DEs are...well, ridiculous :] Irk, she, among many others, also makes me jealous/envious~~

Dan Abrams: "At least they won't have to have abortions now, right?"

This is both funny and sad. But the bigotry and sideways logics is not so shocking as some found it. (Jaded, much?)

I've also heard much about fandom sniping about this...but honestly, this is JKR's book. I dislike the 7th book and almost loathe the epilogue, but that is how Harry & Co. went on being. I still read pre-DH stories and is being dragged on to the epilogue ships, but either way, that is what JK wants Dumbly to be. I can see where she comes from, actually, since I had thought, "wow, Dumbledore is pretty enthralled with Grindlewald back then" as I was reading.

Perhaps it is shocking because Dumbledore is a mentor figure, and generally no one wants to know who grandpas have the hots for, but is revealing so in the book going to make DH a better book? Would putting the Dumbledore/Grindlewald in there help the plot along, or would it be just another useless fact? I am of the latter opinion. It makes sense if he is gay, but it's not necessary in terms of the main plot, like the whole [spoiler]"OMG he helped keeping his squib sister locked up"[/spoiler] stuff. But all that only focuses on why JKR decides to not put it in the book.

As to her decision to reveal this fact at all...well, she was being honest to her fans—that was what she thought of Dumbledore. Perhaps she has an agenda, and perhaps she was trying to make a statement. It doesn't matter much to me, and I don't find searching for a conspiracy theory all that productive. Fans asked for the information; is it so wrong for her to answer to the fans' requests?

Perhaps I have too little of imagination to feel restricted by the abundance of detail JKR threw out since the last chapter of the book; while I have not much love for the epilogue, it is a detail that I like to see the fandom to work around. Certainly I gripe about Draco's receding hairline and the lack of substance of said chapter of Harry's life, but thats more the challenge. If the characters only has a bit of background and minimal personality, thrown into a vaguely described world (all of which the series is skimming the borders of, IMO), without certain cemented blocks, then wouldn't it feel similar to reading an original fiction?

Yes, it does restrict the creative space that "canon-whores" have. But it gives interesting insight on the subtext. Yes, it will stick the writers towards a certain road to make their ship work (coughH/Dcough), but to me, it's more of a thrill to read about how the writer wiggles their versions of the characters out from such a tight spot. Since there is more "history" (canon) to work with, the characters can have more conflict and background to make the story more interesting, as each writer creates their own solutions to the same problem. (I was going to say with more history, the characters would have been developed more and be more solid to write about...but then realized there hasn't been much chara development at all.)

As for Ginny being a JKR self-insert? I don't have evidence to argue against that :)

Ayumuneechan, if you see this, this is for you.

Puffy, adj: OED Word of the Day. (20 Oct 07)
Today's word from the OED has the following earliest quotation: a1594 Edmond Ironside (1991) III. i. 87 Staye, Yorke, and heare me speake, thie puffie wordes, Thie windie threates, thie raylinge Cvrses, light Vppon thie stubborne necke.

I'm not sure if you should feel better or worse about this.

News: Doctors Discuss Theories on Aging Brains

■ Doctors Discuss Theories on Aging Brains

News: HP: Dumbledore and the rainbow

■ Harry Potter fans, the rumors are true: Albus Dumbledore, master wizard and Headmaster of Hogwarts, is gay.

With that, JK's Epilogue Sins are almost completely forgiven now.

Shoebox for $.99; the cat is free

...I think he likes to feel small and dainty. Ladies and gentlemen—my cat.

ArtRec: Five Books H. James Potter Never Wrote or Published [HP/SS]

■ Five Books H. James Potter Never Wrote or Published

Well, this is more like a "haha, gotta save this" rather than a true rec, really. It's HP/SS, for one. But that last bit's got me grinning, so I shall keep this in my archives.

Men's Early 19th Century Nightgowns

Okay, so this, I admit, is ridiculous enough that it should be deemed as a nightgown. But this? Really, now.

Book meme, because I'm an uncultured swine.

These are the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users (as of today, 30 September 2007). As usual, bold what you have read, italicise what you started but couldn't finish, and strike through what you couldn't stand. Add an asterisk* to those you've read more than once. Underline those on your to-read list.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi : a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the Fates of Human Societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Iliad (because we only read part of it in class and I had always meant to finish...)
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran : a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked : the life and times of the wicked witch of the West (does strike throughs also mean "slowly working on it"?)
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian : a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault's Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray (ended up taking The House of Seven Gables for a particular book project instead...)
Mansfield Park
One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver's Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
Dune (OMG, have actually read this...! If not for some semi-forceful bouts of book-giving and commuting, I would never have picked this up, haha.)
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes : a memoir
The God of Small Things
A People's History of the United States : 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-five
The Scarlet Letter (Ah, good times...or bad...LoL)
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake : a novel
Collapse : How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita (only sort of, though)
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics : a Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an Inquiry into Values
The Aeneid (Plz Greek legends should always be interesting and this was not.)
Watership Down
Gravity's Rainbow
The Hobbit (er, not so sure on this one)
In Cold Blood : A True Account of a Multiple Murder and Its Consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers
Bastard out of Carolina

Video: Pumpkin Dalek

Fuji Rash

Thomas treated Ben and me to an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet today...and I came back to the house with rash all over my face. Now the last time I went, I ate a lot less sashimi and nothing happened, so whether it's an MSG or some other allergic reaction, I do not know.

The three of us also went bowling (like last time? LoL)...but again, I don't think it was that, since I didn't touch my face during that time (I think).

Argh, face bloated up like a pig D:

Music: The Flight of [eight] Bumblebee[s], Ah ! vous dirai-je, Maman, and etc.

I blame Nodame Cantabile for this sort of classical fascination ♥

In other news, the fourth Doctor Who series? :D
I recently re-read Maya's commentaries on the GoF movie and I think the "dark, intense, leather-clad man" bits are now forever burned into my brain. LMAO.

Fangirling: Happy Birthday, Tom Felton!

Happy Birthday, Tom Felton!

:O He's 20 now...and soon, so will I ;__;

Dear Nodame

There is something I feel like I must express, but nothing is coming out right. Not from pencils, nor from keyboard.

I always wonder, what if I was bold enough to take the artist road? Be brave enough, be confident enough, to do this thing that I like, but only mildly competent in?

Not taking that path, I know, is sensible...but I can't help thinking, isn't that the same thing you wanted to do? (Of course, you were actually more than qualified to take that road...) Sometimes, I think I purposely avoid furthering myself there so I can convince myself that that is not the way I should go, that this is the reason for this other decision.

You touched me, Nodame, because you just wanted to enjoy what you liked, too, but you had the push from everyone else to make sure you were taking that road. You went down that road when the choice really mattered. I still don't know whether what I chose was right, but then again, as of now, I'm still younger that you...so we shall see.

You are probably what I want to be. Then again, who wouldn't? For this exact reason you are a story, and I am real.

Am I just reluctant to go back to school now?
Or just unwilling to make peace with what will happen?
What kind of fool am I, to pretend, even for a little while, that I can be like you: to find someone outside to depend upon, to be fine with the prospect, to immerse myself in something so much that I forget everything else, to escape and have everything turn out fine?

What is this that I am doing?
Whywhyhow?

I wish I am better in something...so I can express myself better.
I hate myself for being so inferior, so afraid, so stupid, so childish, and so LACKING.

And I need to tag my posts better.

Untitled.

I can't help being sickened by the thought that this is my ninth, and last, summer in this house, this garden, with these plants and birds...and perhaps with Byakko.

No more piano, save for the one in Hong Kong.

No more wisteria, which had just begun to strengthen.

No more, no more.

Countdown...

Stuff of things.

Of course I don't want them to go, but what choice have I, in consideration of the best choice for them? They certainly have done enough of that for me already.

Playing dismissal and disinterest is a little better than being childish and make everyone feel worse all around...perhaps.

Pea.

:D

News: Woman, 76, Found After 2 Weeks in Wild

■ Woman, 76, Found After 2 Weeks in Wild

It's 5 in the morning and the only reason I'm awake is that the afternoon sun got the room—and the top bunk area—too warm and suffocating to sleep in.

•_____• <[......]

Wireless—at last!

Since Mother went to Shin zhen with friends and Venus had piano lessons today, I went exploring by myself. Well, not so much exploring but...well. It doesn't really matter. Went to Sha Tin New Town Plaza...walked about until my feet couldn't stand those shoes anymore, then came back, finding my dad checking email (!!!!)

Apparently he found some fool with a unsecured wireless network. Faint signal, but here I am :D

Still need to buy a bag or two and more clothes; haven't found what I really really want yet.

Local time: 19:02

Palace, Politics, Chinese Medicine, and running through the sights.

Um, well. I don't really want to relive the whole thing just yet. There's a lot of bleh today. At any case, tomorrow morning we leave Beijing to fly to Nanjing.

Oh, and last night I took a bath. With bath salts.

Oh, and Mother and I spotted a dead, white, long-haired cat in the middle of the road.

Climbing and Descending rocks

Uh, so the main things today were the Great Wall and the Ming Dynasty Thirteen Tombs. GW consisted of steep, worn down steps with a huge number of people, so climbing and descending was like getting stuck in traffic. It started raining after we got to the 3rd tower, so we waited the rain out and went back down. It's really unlike the tan, wide, flat GW that I saw in photographs.

The other thing: rather pathetic.

Also went to visit a jade processing plant, a piyou, and saw some...not very good acrobatics show.

(is very tired from th late dinner and the full day of walking)

Oh, Father woke at 3am this morning, woke mother, and tried to hurry me out of bed at 5:30, an hour before morning call and 150 minutes before we meet in the lobby for rest of the group (and they were 20 minutes late)

Argh, I cannot stand the local guide's rubbish and the rest of the group's lack of punctuality. Just. ARGH.

Greetings from Beijing

It's...21:31 Beijing time and I feel like pulled an all-nighter, which, considering it's really 6:30 PST and that I only got an hour of sleep before going to the airport, is not so surprising.

Weather in Beijing: muggy. Not nearly as hot and stuffy as Guangzhou and HK yet, though, so I am really not complaining.

First impression of Beijing: not much; it feels like another developing Chinese city. Except people speak Mandarin instead.

Unexpected surprises: being on the same flight as Brenner and Bauld. Apparently they came to participate in a kung-fu tournament. Eh, exchanged a few words...but wasn't sure if they were on the same flight, so didn't seek them out on the plane. Only before and after.

Language problems: Forced to speak Mandarin to airport people because I had to go against the traffic flow to find Mother, who was waiting for me. Had to speak broken Mandarin (as I really don't want to guess how certain words are pronounced in additional to my already horrible accent) and get tongue-tied. The whole experience was rather....ew.

Plane: UA is crap, as usual. Have they reduced the space between seats again, or have I grown both vertically and horizontally (more of this type) again? Anyway, everything about them were far from satisfactory. Slept for two or three hours; drew and played sudoku for most of the remaining hours. I drew a lot. And I love using the blue pencils :D　Oh, and the kid that sat behind me (Pauline, age ~3?) kept kicking my seat. Left big toe (the one with the funny bone bump) started hurting again. Wah.

Shopping: not much today. Father bought some gimmick-making books of some sort, and Mother bought a color-illustrated 本草鋼目. [will look up name later?]

Nothing really happened today...and I am dead tired. Eh, I have some comments about the "three-person" hotel rooms here and the substandard 4/5 starredness. Well, I should at least be grateful for the free wireless in the hotel. I noticed that blogger changed their language to simplified Chinese, no doubt according to the IP. Blah.

Great Wall and some other Beijing sights tomorrow.

Signing out at 22:49.

Sims 2

I spent hours creating a new shop in a new shopping center, and then with only roof-making to go, BUZZ! Graphics card stopped responding. °0°!!!!

Most of what I did tonight was goooone. (cries)

I think I like making characters and building houses more than actually playing the Sims' lives out :D

Oh, if only I can find time to learn how to make meshes...♥

I am such a socially awkward fool.

I am such a socially awkward fool.

Yeah, awkward is the word.

Why can't I ever just say and do what I can...should...would...before opportunities pass?

Damn self doubt.

Summer, the thrid week

It has been too long since I wrote, especially since life these days have been far from dull. So let's review what I've been doing for the past three weeks in reverse chronological order, shall we?

Tomorrow will mark the fourth day, and the completion of a week's worth of real work for PcBY. During these three (half) days I have already developed a healthy dislike fo stacks of rolled up paper and their abominably sharp edges :D

Several things factor into these...unfortunate, minor, seriously annoying injuries: 1) I have dry hands (cannot hydrate herself enough); 2) My layer of dead skin cells is too thin (does not work with her hands enough); 3) I am careless (clumsiness have no excuses); 4) I roll and unroll large rolls of paper constantly (teehee, almost rewrote this bit), and; 5) Clay makes my hands dry.

Other than paper cuts, work is pretty dull. It mainly consists of opening long, dusty, oblong boxes containing roll(s) of drawings of dead (old) projects, sorting through them, deciding which ones are already archived in files, scan in the ones that aren't (i.e. hand drawings, wetstamped drawings, etc.), and picking up after myself (collapse boxes, roll papers back up to throw them away, etc.). Let's just say that this job is quite a lot more physical than I thought. Jeff, on the other hand, seems to be doing much more technical things, even if it is just constructing new shelves, design, shop, build, and all (jealous jealous).

In the afternoons I attend a ceramics class in CSM, which lasts four hours. They give us 30 minutes of break, taken whenever, so I tend to get there late (stupid public transportation). Throwing is the most awesome yet; it is messy, difficult, and make my muscles ached the first couple of times, but while it is still difficult, I have come to enjoy the steady, slow movements and firm yet gentle ways of handling clay on a potter's wheel. I am still horrible at pulling the clay up (and I blame the shape of my fingers for that), but bowls are okay. Cups should be within my abilities too..perhaps I will try that next...then a plate (saucer?)...I wonder if I can get good enough to throw a teapot in a week and a half. The handle for the one at home is broken.

Oh, I have made figurines too; I just need to make up my mind on how to paint the underglaze =\ The other day we made face molds—we made a mold of our faces using this ...gel thing (it's the stuff they use at the orthodontists' to take the mold of your teeth, I think), then pour plaster in the mold. Paint a layer of latex on top of the plaster positive and make a mother mold negative, then use the latex and mother mold to make clay masks. I'm still fixing the plaster positive...and it really looks creepy, having my face all white and closed-eyed like that.

I hope I have time to finish all my required projects plus a couple more—this is a really rare chance for me. Perhaps I will think about taking ceramics again, whether in CSM or in Davis.

Relying on public transportations has given me a lot of time to read. I have finished Dune (finally) and is half way through Dune Messiah. Today Rory (ceramics instructor; makes pretty interesting, but rather morbid, sculptures) recommended a couple more too..Pinball and other works by that same author. I wonder when I will get to read Deathly Hallows? reserved a copy, but I'm kinda far down in the waiting list. Perhaps I will ask the parents to buy me a copy; mother seemed a little interested when we passed by borders yesterday. At the very least, she is not adverse to that concept.

As all my Chinese identifications have expired, father and I went to get another visa for me...and of course, a trip to Japan Town goes without being said. Lunch was pretty bad (shouldn't've gone to eat sushi), and I spent money on Loveless 7, a Betsu Hana to Yume and a Zerosum. And I have found a new shoujo to watch out over (it's been long!)—Otomen (乙男). Like, as in　乙女＋男, lmao. It's completely outrageous and stereotypical (or the opposite of?), but the SPARKLES. The SPARKLES are hilarious (like Seiji in Tonari Monogatari/Parakisu! XD)

Oh, and I also went to re-take my permit test (the other one expired) and I didn't get perfect score. Cannot be helped, since father told me to go just the night before and I had no time to study `0`;;; (excuses.)

...I have chickened out of driving practices after the third time, when I freaked out and went a little hysterical. Uhh...I was a little tired a the time >___<;;;;;

Surely there's more than this, but I'm slowly exhausting the last of my energies...tomorrow's a full day of work.

Next time: Doctor Who, Planet Earth, Paradise Kiss, Sailor Moon, Shrek the Third, and stuff.

News: Alcohol Ban

■ Australia to ban alcohol for Aborigines

Um, wow. Racism much?

Untitled.

I'm beginning to think that rearranging the bookcases is more like a pastime than a necessity for a neater room.

But it's not like it's fun or anything. Not at all.

Really.

Their hands are beating against the window, slime oozing through the screen...but I really don't care right now. I have a lot of overdue packing to be done. Well, I am a little afraid of the screen breaking, but they can only do so much damage, right? This is the second floor, after all.

What is Greed?

Greed is wishing for .1% more for an A+ not six hours after walking out of a test hoping for an A, although it makes no difference in terms of GPA.

Ningen wa...OMOSHIROI.

Knu-ut~ knu-ut~

News: entagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'

■ CBS5: Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'

...WTF. (speechless)

So, yeah, the conclusion is that I fucking hate my inability to filter out sounds. Congratulations, PcBY, you are just that fucking alert at the most inopportune of times.

Oh, and what I said about sleeping better last night? Didn't happen. Woke up at least once during the night, around 0630, and more than I can count after 7 until I got out of bed at 9.

Fucking brain.

Badminton

For the first time, the "themed nights" at the DC is bad. Well, maybe not as bad as it can get, just not as good as the other themed nights. I was especially disappointed in the supersalty!salmon-tomatoes thing and the slightly un-fresh!Mahi Mahi. I got the last bubble bottle though, yay.

Afterwards I went to play badminton with Thomas & Garris. Well, I pretty much only played with Garris, since we're too n00b to play with the ex-badminton team member :] It was still fun feeding Garris birdies, as I cannot vary my shots to save my life. Hitting the birdie back to where ever the person is is almost an instinct `0`;;; And as out of shape as I am, my arms and legs are sore just from playing for the better part of two hours. I'm glad I did, since it would hopefully reduce my emerging insomnia tendencies (as my father would have suggested) and I have forgotten the subtleties of the game. There would be hell to pay tomorrow though °0°!!!! I'm sure right forearm and thigh will definitely be difficult...and hopefully my hand will not shake tomorrow...wah...though there is no saying for the rest of the muscles ><;;;;

Gah, I will everything will just be over :[ A lot of things are starting to get on my nerves again.

Sleep

I think something has gone wrong with me again. I have lingered in the space between tiredness and insomnia before, last year or before the last, during school or on vacation. It feels like where I am now, between feeling unenergized and knowing sleep would not come soon nor take hold of me well until the mornings.

Yes, partly would be because I have been suffocated by the mucous between my nasal passage and my throat and have been hacking my lungs the very same vile things out.

I don't think that is the cause, however. Gaining consciousness in an hour before sunrise or after only 5 hours of sleep, completely awake (though unwilling to get out of bed) does not feel pleasant. Restless? Perhaps. At least that is how I last described it.

Yeah, I am going crazy...or at least getting delirious from not enough rest and completely disagreeable.

Angsties with anger management issues, hooray.

Tuesdays

Only on a Tuesday do I slam the window shut in irritation in the morning, only to open it back up an hour or two later. When I wonder if I'm slowly growing restless and insane, it's usually a Tuesday morning.

Tuesday mornings usually mean I have an urge to kill.

Things

There are things not worth pursuing that people just feels an obligation to pursue.

Some of these things matter because it is a promise to oneself, a promise to the community, or maybe a promise to another who is important.

But some other things just get so tiresome that it becomes an extra thing to put one's mind to, completely draining and denatured to something vile.

There are things not worth fixing.

There are things that should be left to their own devices.

There are things that should not be held onto.

Because when you see it, there's just no avoiding it. There's no use trying to keep your eyes from watching the wreck; you will watch it happen (with detachment or no).

Fanlib.com and issues around legality of fanfiction, etc.

■ Transforming Fan Culture into User-Generated Content: The Case of FanLib
Henry Jenkins analyzes Fanlib.com and the impact of profit-driven websites that advertises fandom works.

I was linked to this through Pir8fancier's post regarding the cooperative overtake of fandom and while I think she is being a little paranoid and sensitive about its affect on the slash fandom, her fears or nor completely unfounded.

<rant>

Well, plenty of people can make a point much better than I, considering I did not even know of this until now. However, I do see Fanlib as a threat to the current fandom environment because of exactly what they see their goal as: "...[to] create a platform that will harness the energy in a way that can be controlled and moderated by the creators and distributors of that existing property."

I feel that not only are their websites (prototypes and betas and their main site, Fanlib.com are below par, and its page design seem to suspiciously cater towards young teens or children (while extending the legal limits to other audiences). Even without the comments and issues surrounding Fanlib, I feel immediate dislike towards the site. It reminds me of young teen websites.

The Fanlib ads are pretty repulsive, especially to a predominantly female population. The more I read into this Fanlib thing, the more I grow to dislike them, and the more it seems like they are just trying to take advantage of the creative process as a whole. As a reader, I revere the author's creativity and sometimes love the world they create more than the original. The thought of this freedom being harnessed and controlled, culled of all things "not normal" and "obscene" frightens me. I adore the fandom because of the potential it gives the universe (of the original story), because the twists and new things that develop from one common stem.

</rant>

I will be watching LJ community Life Without Fanlib and Henry Jenkin's weblog to see how things proceed. And also, still reading on links and sources.

cross-posted to LJ

Hoorah for YouTube

*is ded*





Where the hell is Matt?


Where the hell WAS Matt?

I saw this video a long time ago...

The difference between pressing the "save" button and the "publish" button.

For three years and 364 days this place has been an all-understanding dummy of an outlet for everything I have not said, should have said, and would not have said. Through the years blogger has changed and grew (and taken over by Google); I have changed and grew and experienced and understood (and seduced by Google).

I came to understand much about myself, from both looking back at my old, angsty, childish, crazy entries and just from "thinking out loud" like this. What struck me recently is the big difference between keeping something as a draft, safe from public eyes, and published rants that nobody should care about. Pushing the "publish" button releases me from anything that were bubbling inside, no matter its content and emotion hidden beneath. Keeping a draft lacks that release, because I have not said everything, because there is still an unfinished thought, a promise to finish. It is not a burden released. It is not something I have let go, put down, got over (or not), said something about.

It was a rather...freeing experience that I feel I cannot accomplish through this archive alone anymore. The promise, the goal, that I made when I began this thing is something I cannot hold up any longer. Too many things that begs to be said cannot be said here anymore, because I have become less physically, emotionally isolated from others; no longer is there a buffer zone called home between me, what I write, and those who read it.

Everything has become heavier.

ETA: Come to think of it, perhaps this is why I no longer find Kakeru to be a suitable name anymore. It has become a spot on the enormous internet where I spout a little of my own words, leave a little mark, rather than a place to free myself from me. I can't free myself anymore. Maybe the Buddhists were onto something when they spoke of the things one must be disconnected from...

Hunger

It is surprisingly easy to not eat, or at least not eat a lot, once you start.

Surprisingly easy, but it is still uncomfortable and detrimental to studying.

Maxium the Hormone

マキシマム.ザ.ホルモン did the second opening of Death Note. While it's...a little grating on the ears, its fitting in a psychedelic way, LoL. Anyway, I somehow ended up with their album and, out of curiosity, looked them up on wikipedia, which then linked me to their website.

On their about the members page are the following brief introductions on rollover:
Ue-chan (bass)
Nawo (drums and female vocal and big sister)
Maximum-the-Ryo-kun (vocal and guitar and little brother)
and
Daisuke-han (キャーキャーうるさい方), which translates to "the noisy/annoying one who goes Kya kya)

lmao.

Those guys are so weird.

Okay, time to panic.

I didn't want to check my Winter quarter grades before now. With this quarter almost gone, it's about time I panic and actually work hard to get some good grades, since I will need a good 3.25 or above. Ooh, the stakes are high and costly.

Eurovision 2007

Is Awesome. With a capital A. Out of the 42 tracks, some were general pop, rock, europop, etc. A couple had what seems like to be cultural elements. But most of them are lovely, with a large variety. Most are in English, with their country's language or not. Just, kyaa. Yeah, kyaa.

(is not descriptive at all)

If There Was a Choice...

Oh, I know exactly how I got into this state of mind. And frankly, the
simplest solution would be the Esc key. If only I had a key like that.
These things are becoming not worth my attention, my energy, none of it is
anymore. Perhaps the problem is my own—others certainly don't seem to have
problems like mine...well, then again, others certainly aren't
[stupid, timid, lost, nosy] enough to pursue a solution to prevent
themselves from getting into my situation.

I'm at the end of my tolerance. Oh, surely, I've been managing for a while.
Even that is getting to be too tiresome now. I'm not understanding, I'm not
caring, I'm not kind, I'm not patient, and I'm fucking socially awkward.
I'm afraid of criticisms, rejections, and hated looks.

I can't help even if I want to.
Everything more than staying quiet and offer acknowledgment will ruin
things, I'm sure.

And the biggest problem of all: I can't fucking stop asserting myself
somehow. Can't fucking stay away, can't NOT DO ANYTHING AND SEE IT MANIFEST
AND GROW AND FESTER AND DECOMPOSE.

Yet it's what I've been trying to do all this time.

And it's killing me.

I feel dead.

Grass-cutting Noise Monster

Whose the hell thought that driving that grass-cutting noise monster at eight forty-five in the morning would be a fucking good idea? And the leaf-blowing machine? Even the workers need earmuffs for those!

And here I thought I can avoid being woken up by noisy things by sleeping early and waking at a reasonably early time. Damnit.

Magnificently WONDERFUL

And before I got out of the door this morning, things could not possibly be more absolutely, magnificently WONDERFUL.

It's kinda funny how I always complain about the little things (well, maybe not super tiny, but not very important nonetheless), but not on the more important ones. Somehow, there's reluctance there.

Death Week ♥

It's barely almost 1 am. Eyes are dry, droopy and, according to Mother, red.

Tomorrow I go to Japan Town for the Sakura Matsuri...and to buy stuff in Kinokuniya. Oh, gotta go get money before leaving tomorrow. Parents will not be going, so aunt will take me there.

Could not contact Larry this afternoon, nor now. Well. Isn't this just dandy, right after missing my train because Amtrak ticket sellers was slow and made me miss my train.

Watching 1x08 Doctor Who: Father's Day. Made me dislike Rose more and made me ♥ his dad. Hmm...no blood even for a fatal injury.

This week:
S: Study Bio
M: Study Bio
T: Bio exam 1 & Study Calc
W: Calc exam 1 & Do Chem Lab
T: Chem Lab & Study Chem
F: Woke up at 7:30 for breakfast in DC, studied more between that and classes, Chem exam 1, failed, came back and sort of packed and cleaned, googled Mokona=Modoki with Amy (got me interested in Tsubasa/xxxHolic again), walked to Amtrak station, got there 10min early, was in line for 15 because of some stupid women (though I already reserved my ticket; the reservation machine was broken), waited more while said women fiddled with how to print the ticket for 5min, waited for the next train for 50min, and didn't get to Milbrae Station until 8:50. Yeah, great, just a joyful week. Oh, and guess what, I'm watching creepy Doctor Who 1x09, while I should be showering and sleeping and waking at 9am so I get out the door by 10.

Yay for stress and self-loathing and Rose is really starting to irritate me. Little kids going 'mommy' is creepy. And Christopher Eccleston is bleh...like he's always grimacing. Gah, the 'mommy' kid is creepy.

Yes, I'm getting ranty. Should go sleep. Or shower, then sleep. Er, not before I finish this episode anyway.

OMGWTFBBQ (aka Moldy Pen Tip)

I am torn between grossed out and terribly fascinated that fungi can grow in ink and turn green from the pigment.

New favourite food

Horseradish cheese is now one of my favourite foods, along with lobster, pomegranate juice, Switzerland 70% dark chocolate, black rice, uni, mother's tiramisu, and fresh fish.

♥.

Meme: How evil are you?

How evil are you?

Picnic Day

It rained all day.My shoes and jacket and socks and pants are all wet. And it has been bloody cold, with no heat in the room.

Got a bunch of free tomato starters, sunflower saplings, a baby pansy, and mold resistant strawberry plants. Also got sample packages of almond, organic baby carrot, and pistachio. There was also a booth where they let people stick corn in a machine to get popcorn kernels. I got an extra whole corn so I can try popping it directly on the corn XD (Plant and Environmental Science)

Parents, aunt, and I also toured the campus brewery, and got some very well made ice cream from the food science and technology people. Didn't get to see Battle of the Bands or goat milking or much of others, but we did went to play the Lazer Maze—an hour of queuing for 3 minutes of dodging lasers. Dad kept getting caught.

Yeah, didn't get to see a lot of stuff. There's always next year, I suppose.

News: T. rex thigh reveals chicken family ties

■ T. rex thigh reveals chicken family ties

As Kelly commented on facebook, "cluck cluck rawr."

Posting this on a class discussion board is probably a bad idea, but nonetheless done.

---Christina said on 04/12/2007 20:55:04:---

i know this may sound awkward.. but is having acne or pimples is becuase that there is traffics and cause proteins can't go through the cell/plasma membrane?



---PcBY said on 04/12/2007 22:03:59:---

I thought it was because the blocked pores are infected. From what I've read, however, it seems that most kinds of acne is caused by some kind of narrowing of pore opening, resulting in blocked pores, preventing things that need to be excreted from being eliminated, which may or may not result in inflammation.

(This next paragraph got a little out of hand, the more I type.)
If proteins cannot go through the membrane, wouldn't lysosomes get rid of that excess stuff? If it doesn't, then the cell would burst from so much un-shipped goods (like viruses bursting out of a cell—just lovely). And then? Maybe the dead cells provide a great place for bacterial breeding...Further speculations down this road seems more strange, because if acne is caused by dead cells exploding, then what is causing them to explode throughout the area of effect (usually the face, but sometimes on other parts as well), in a rather well spaced-out manner? (Imagination plus not enough knowledge on the subject goes a long way.)

In any case, whatever that's causing acne would most likely travel by vesticles to the outside of the cell, so unless there is some serious mislabeling, not getting out seems to be a pretty unusual thing to me.

...(facepaw.)

Care.

Maybe life would be better for everyone if I just stop understanding and respond as my own emotions dictate. Maybe it'd be better if I don't pay attention, if I don't observe these things and care.

Perhaps there is merit in being a clueless women after all.

Witnessed, but helpless. Can do nothing but watch as they lead themselves to fail, agonizing all the while. I agonize with them.

Watching people brining themselves to ruins hurts. Any attempt to help is futile. It will only result in ruined bonds and an dark ache for me.

Like an uphill battle all the time. Between self and envy and others and habits and consciousness and discipline and want. And loathing of my own powerlessness, my weakness, my dependency, my easily permeable pathos.

Some time between age 10 and now, I have stopped living for my toys, stopped living for my self, and only living for my parents.

Meme! (Me-Me? Lol.)

That's what I've always thought it was, according to context, until I bothered to look it up. LoL.

The Rules:
¤ Total the number of things in each list you've done.
¤ No need to say which ones.
¤ If people really want to know they will grow the balls to ask.

1. smoked.
2. consumed alcohol.
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5. kissed someone of the same sex.
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.
8. watched porn.
9. bought porn.
10. done drugs.
TOTAL: 6

1. taken painkillers
2. taken someone else's prescription medicine.
3. lied to your parents.
4. lied to a friend.
5. snuck out of the house.
6. done something illegal.
7. cut yourself.
8. hurt someone.
9. wished someone to die.
10. seen someone die.
TOTAL: 8

1. missed curfew
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist.
5. been to rehab.
6. dyed your hair.
7. received a ticket.
8. been in an accident.
9. been to a club.
10. been to a bar.
TOTAL: 3

1. been to a wild party.
2. seen the Mardi Gras.
3. drank more than four beers in a night.
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything.
6. wore black nail polish.
7. wore arm bands.
8. wore t-shirts with band names.
9. listened to rap.
10. own(ed) a 50 Cent CD.....ew
TOTAL: 2

1. dressed gothic.
2. dressed prep.
3. dressed punk.
4. dressed grunge.
5. stole something.
6. been too drunk to remember anything.
7. blacked out.
8. fainted.
9. had a crush on a neighbor.
10. had someone sneak into your room.
TOTAL: 2-4

1. snuck into someone else's room.
2. had a crush on your best friend.
3. been to a concert.
4. dry-humped someone.
5. been called a slut.
6. called someone a slut.
7. installed speakers in your car.
8. broken a mirror.
9. showered at someone of the opposites sex's house.
10. brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush.
TOTAL: 3

1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall.
4. skipped school.
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaraunt without paying.
9. caught something on fire.
10. lied about your age.
TOTAL: 5

1. owned/rented an apartment.
2. broke the law in the police's presence.
3. cheated on someone.
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger.
6. hugged a stranger.
7. kissed a stranger.
8. rode in the car with a stranger.
9. been harrassed.
10. been verbally harrassed.
TOTAL: 4

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online.
2. stayed online for 12 hours straight.
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
4. watched TV for 12 hours straight.
5. been to a fair.
6. been called a bad influence.
7. drink and drive.
8. prank-called someone.
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
10. cheated on a test.
TOTAL: 4

News: Music lessons fine-tune the brain

■ Music lessons fine-tune the brain

I wish I had never given up on the piano...Or, at least, practiced more though I hated it.

I'm not reaching an understanding of parent-child relationships. How well the parent can understand the child matters. How well the child understand the parent matters. And how much the parent explains. And how much the child knows for him/herself. Societal outlook differences matter. Language barriers matter. Communication effectiveness. Parent-child personality.

I see I hear I observe I experience.

If there's no straightforwardness in family matters, only impatience and presumptions and suppositions and face, how can I expect anything else in any other situation?

It's Been Long.

I was going to write about everything in the past two weeks here.

Maybe I'll do it once spring break starts, and not do it the day before my two finals that I have barely studied for.

Sanctuary is Home.

I've been irritable and tense. Not stressed, exactly, but maybe I've been stretched too thin. Or maybe I've been so accustomed to be pressured into finishing my work on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights that I have not been able to recover. Too many classes, too undisciplined in time management.

But it's not stress, in those other days.

Smaller and smaller things are getting on my nerves. My anger grows and grows each day. My EQ is slipping. Falling. Crashing.

Before, I ranted and raved about my woeful life, not meaning it to catch other's attention as much as wanting me to focus on myself. I don't understand why I did it anymore. I was angry. I wrote. It made me feel better. Maybe it distracted me. Let me reexamine myself. Though, I have begun to dislike myself for it. Perhaps that's not exactly accurate either. I have stopped feeling like typing an account of these things. Or anything else at all.

...So maybe I still understand why I wrote.
So maybe I am still doing the same thing.

But I have been doing more thinking than writing and spent more time being angry then being contemplative...and my outlet for everything has been going the wrong direction.

I don't like what I'm changing to.

I think I am just surviving now. Overloading myself so that this...school thing is getting less enjoyable. It's just like eating a too big piece of meat.

Home is sanctuary now. It is rest it is relaxation it is happiness it is spoilage it is care it is home.

Oh, and I am also ashamed of everything.

News: Study: College Students More Narcissistic

■ Study: College Students More Narcissistic

I seriously need some fucking time off to myself.

News: In Study, Napping Gets the Nod

■ NY Times Syndicate via PsycPort.com: In Study, Napping Gets the Nod

Hmmm...naps...This isn't the first time I've seen studies on the goods of naps.

News: Cocoa May Improve Brain Blood Flow

■ PsycPort.com: Some Cocoa May Improve Brain Blood Flow

Yay, flavanols!

Think and Say.

I can't help but think and say,
"I don't need to worry
about myself, worry
about the parents, worry
about the other one, and
worry about the cat too."

News: Caught at last—the giant owl with a taste for dogs

■ Telegraph.co.uk - Caught at last—the giant owl with a taste for dogs: "'It is very frightening for Heidi to have this giant bird trying to eat her all the time. I have no doubt that it wants to make her into its next meal. I guess Heidi looks like a rabbit or a tasty snack.

'It is a magnificent looking bird but I am getting a bit fed up with it and I wish its owner would come and get it. Poor Heidi can't stand it being around. She is spending her days at the moment trying to hide in our house curled up by a chair.'"

...

LoL.

Looking Back Years and Years, Feeling Old and Young At the Same Time.

There was a girl, not a long time ago, who made few friends and was quiet. She made friends slowly; mingling was difficult with children who had a different background, not that she was particularly outgoing, either. She wanted others to like her, because she thought nobody would like her and be friends with her otherwise. She bluffed and lied and pretended, as best she could, to be perfect. She was scared. Scared that anything she did would be repulsive, disgusting. Afraid that being too friendly would be too bothersome.

So she restrained herself from giving a classmate a pat on the back, declined invitations to go to movies and hang out and have dinner. No, she said, I have something to do. Her friends left her alone after a while. And she became more standoffish until it became a habit. Having a parent to drive her home became part of her excuse.

Oh, she was amiable enough to talk to anyone who initiated the conversation. But she didn't make many more friends, and the ones she had she became less familiar with.
____________________________

After a little while, I got fed up with the cognitive dissonance between what I think and what I do. I was also pretty fed up with mindlessly listing what I did from day to day. Originally I thought I should keep all my angst and boy-squealing to another blog that I will hide from the world (or at least from people I know personally). Then on 07 July, 2005, I said, "[t]he last time I posted it was almost a year ago, for the sake of people who don't care about my angst. But then I was like, screw this, and went for putting everything, from anime reviews and afterthoughts to funny links to daily angst on there. 'Cus there's nothing to hide from."

The very first reason for a blog was to record my thoughts, since I've never successfully kept a diary/journal of any sorts before. Its second purpose was to make myself let go of trying to keep my reputation. To open up, and be true. To make myself accept the imperfect, not quite stoic enough self and be happy with it. I've talked about a mask more than once during these years, and I still use this horribly common metaphor. It improved my sociability, and to a much smaller degree, my self confidence and self esteem.

It was partly because I made myself talk about things that didn't make me look good, but more importantly, because the little comments let me know that people will still associate with me even when I had all these faults and imperfections and different pastimes. I'm still working on it.

I once vouched to not censor anything, but of course, it only worked to a certain degree. I especially refrained from talking about my love life, for good reason.

Now, I don't know what I'm doing with Kakeru. I post interesting articles, gives random one line updates sparingly, and comments on things when they come up. It's as if I stopped talking about myself. Perhaps I have more things that fall in the censored material category now. And because I have a person to, uh, listen to me rant now...though the only thing that's changed about that is getting more direct, immediate responses...sorry, Larry =p

I was getting somewhere with this, but, as usual, I've lost my focus. Ah, oh well, this is what the blog is for =)

Lethargy.

...and it has to do with more than only 5.5 hours of sleep. Exercise should do me some good. We'll be going to tour a house...so that bit of walking might help.

Have not been putting time to good use since 10:30 this morning.

Yay! PMS Whinge

Side note: That (title) is proof of too much HP fanfiction.
_______________

I have foreseen it, I prepared for it, but it still feels uncomfortable. At least there is no mess this time. The pain and sore back is normal, but the urge to guzzle (wait, now we're switching to Southern speak?) anything with chocolate is not pleasant on my conscience.

Bah.

Older, Happier, and getting e-valentinrs

■ PsycPort.com: Older may mean happier

No, I'm not having difficulties coming to terms with my age, no.

■ "Valentinrs is an online deposit of Valentines greetings... " (notice the grammatical error on the 3rd sentence. (winces) Even I don't make that sort of mistake...often.

Pass 1

I thought my pass 1 time is at Monday, 5 Feb 6:30pm when I looked yesterday.

Garris and I joked about how it's not 6:30am this morning in chem.

Well, apparently it will be at 6:30, am.

News: "Trying to censor blogger "

SF Chronicle: Trying to censor blogger- Owner of conservative radio station KSFO demands liberal critic quit using audio clips

Something I chanced upon in the newspaper today.

Whiner

Haha, was just looking through some other people's blogs and their first posts of the year are mostly "Happy New Year" while I just complain incessantly.

Perhaps one of my real resolutions is to not complain so much XD

As I Thought...

Went to Plant+EnvironSci building to check server status and stuff this morning and went back to the room to double check everything again, according to their instructions. Borrowed Amy's cable/port to check, but to no prevail.

Calc break 1000-1050. Garris and Thomas(Shiwei) are also in Kouba. Don't know which discussion section they're enrolled in, but that doesn't matter.

Just went into ITexpress (in the Shields Library) and asked about the connection, and as I thought, the server is not receiving the newly registered physical addresses. Who knows when they'll get everything fixed...currently outside, in the courtyard of the library, because the heating is too warm for what I have on. Aren't you proud, Larry? I'm actually wearing clothing too warm for indoors!

Wireless eats batteries like it's been deprived all its life.

I suppose I'll go to the CoHo for some lunch and hop over to see if I can get in today's 1310-1600 CHE2b lab.

Edit 20070103 12:04: oops, there are no labs this week.

This Curse on electronics of mine is getting annoying. Is there someone up there that really wants to see the extent to which I can adapt to adversities in college? Because that someone is overdoing it. It's not amusing anymore.

I really don't need to not be able to connect to the LAN the day before classes and the day after New Year's. Neither do I deserve all this shite after incidents all last quarter. And I'm referring to more than my Curse. I hope I can at least sleep well tonight.

Waking up bright and early tomorrow so I can lug all this stuff to...Plant and Environ Sciences building, since it's the closest place with wireless coverage.

Fuckinghell I hate my life right now =)

I wish death to all those morons who were making noises all evening =)

I don't want to go back i don't i'm not ready don't make me everything is a mess i can't keep doing what i did maybe i should drop one of the classes i'm not ready i don't wanna go this is too much to manage i don't want to decide and deal with everything i need to can i just be spoiled i'd like that.