I just realized a few days ago what a useless, fowl person I am. The kind that doesn't contribute to communities much. The kind that rants a lot but says nothing. The kind that pretends that she's a lot better than anyone but is not much more different than anyone.
I realized how desperate I am to be special, though I'm unbelivably normal. I'm not much different. I may act and feel indifferent about something I should be feeling about (an absorbsion of a mask and personality I created?), but I do feel...I feel like any other girl my age, with hormones and all.
I may have a different outlook and not quite blind as the majority, but I'm definately not enlightened and self-actualized. Nor am I special.
If others read this, they'll probably think I'm ranting off some obvious truth. But that merely proves my point further—that I live in my own lies, living in some megalomanical fantasy in which I'm very good in something.
I think in terms of me. Too many examples of that.
I believed words spoken and actions taken to me are special towards me. Personalized.
No, not really.
Holly says I'm unattached romantically. Somehow what I try to be (the cool-acting androgenous female) tends to change that word to 'detached'. Seems a little more not connected, somehow. It really doesn't help that not only do I put up a face of...uncaring, I'm the kind that, and I quote from some Hikaru no Go fanfic I read a while back, "won't know love if it wore a nametag and hit me over the head with a mallet," AND I'm picky. Well, Sort of. I wouldn't say so considering who has "declared his love of me", LOL. I'm also embaressed to admit to whom I feel affinity to. A British-ruled Hong Kong trait I acquired—the pokerface, I daresay. (this sentence sounds very awkward. The word 'awkward' itself is weird.)
I feel bad for not reading other's blog/deadjournals/Xangas. Maybe I don't care, maybe I don't like how friends rite lyke dis an in 1 huge paragragh, maybe it's too much trouble, maybe I don't have enough time, maybe, maybe, maybe. Does that say I'm just too unattached to friendship...? I can blame that on not having learnt that when I was younger.
Hmm...self-pity? No, I wouldn't say so. Because I'm clearing my head of the illusion I casted upon myself for the time being.
Music: Gackt - Mirror (7th Night Mix)
It's a pity how there's something about introspection that makes people so misereably negative. Many types of people naturally tend to judge themselves too harshly, and that's pretty much what you're doing here. Just that you're willing to write this all out proves that you are enlightened enough and self-aware enough and honest enough to see and admit to yourself what is going on. Regardless of what you may think, you're a lot farther along than most teenagers who can only deal with their need to feel unique (ironically enough, a universal need) by claiming that nobody understands them and striking out against the world.
ReplyDeleteI suppose that depending on how you look at it, you can either deny or reaffirm your individuality. People all generally want the same things: to feel accepted, to feel special, to fit in. But I am sure that you realize more than anyone how different you are from anyone else. Come on, even George and I are completely different people, you can hardly claim you're not unique. There's just so much that makes a person themself. If you're exactly the same as someone else in 3 million ways, but different in 5 million other ways...well, it seems that you are only considering the bad sides of both.
My feeling is that you're just in a bad mood right now (it's spring break! you should be happy!), and that's the worst (and yet most common) time to be reexamining your life. I've done made this mistake before. Being harsh and negative towards yourself just amplifies your own unhappiness. And although the instinctive response to that is "but I WANT to feel unhappy right now!" you really don't. Better to go do something mindless and cheerful until you are calm (or tired enogh to fall asleep: that helps a lot too).
Bleh, I don't think I'm making enough sense to be helpful. Just don't be so hard on yourself. Life is tough enough with other people being harsh and unfair to you, you don't need to do it to yourself.